Read the production script for Episode 5 of The Chronicles of Oz: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. This script may differ slightly from the final released audio.
Episode Five
PREVIOUSLY:
Catching everyone up on the previous four episodes.
OPENING CREDITS
EXT. WITCH’S COURTYARD
Quox the dragon roars across the courtyard as people scream.
DOROTHY
A dragon? The Wicked Witch had a dragon? Seriously?!?
UGU
How else was she going to take over Munchkinland?
DOROTHY
I thought that’s what the shoes were for!
UGU
You had the shoes. She had a Plan B!
LION
Look out! It’s swooping again!
They all scream as the dragon swoops the crowd.
DOROTHY
Now we have a confused dragon attacking us!
LION
Dorothy, we gotta get out of here!
DOROTHY
You think?
UGU
It’s setting fire to the town! We have to stop it!
DOROTHY
How? How do you stop a dragon?
LION
Last week you asked the same thing about stopping a witch.
DOROTHY
Great. Anyone have a giant bucket of water handy? Get me a house, I’ll drop it on its head.
Dragon swoops by. People scream.
DOROTHY
All right, I’ve had enough.
LION
We’re running away?
DOROTHY
No. Ugu, where did the Witch keep her magic?
UGU
Magic?
DOROTHY
You know, her spell book. Her one true ring, her whatever it is that made her all powerful? Look, the Witch of the East had these shoes, didn’t the other one have something we could use against this thing?
UGU
Everything like that she kept in her tower. The room where –
DOROTHY
The room where I killed her. Ok. Follow me!
She rushes off, with the Lion and Ugu behind her.
INT. TOWER
Dorothy, the Lion and Ugu rush in. Dorothy searches through items, tossing them aside. The dragon screeches outside.
DOROTHY
Lion, you take that side of the room. Ugu, you take the other. I’ll check the wardrobe.
LION
What are you hoping to find in here?
DOROTHY
I don’t know yet.
LION
That’s not very helpful.
DOROTHY
Something that can stop the dragon. Like the Silver Slippers.
UGU
Why don’t you just use the Silver Slippers on it?
DOROTHY
Great, I’ll kick the dragon. I don’t know what makes these shoes go, or even if they do anything but sparkle in the sunshine. The Witch had to have something else in her arsenal.
UGU
Most of her power came from within.
DOROTHY
(grabbing at items)
Broomstick? No. Crystal ball – could that do much?
UGU
Only if you want to watch the dragon from afar and cackle at it.
LION
I’d like to watch the dragon from afar. Very afar.
DOROTHY
Shut up and keep looking. There must be something. Book of Shadows, magic lasso, dragon Kryptonite even.
UGU
What’s Kryptonite?
DOROTHY
Nevermind just – what’s this?
LION
An ugly hat.
DOROTHY
It’s tingly it’s… Ugu?
UGU
That… that’s the Golden Cap.
DOROTHY
You mean because it’s a cap and it’s golden-y? You Ozians and your way with words.
UGU
You don’t want to use that. It’s dangerous.
DOROTHY
What does it do?
UGU
It summons the Winged Monkeys.
LION
Oh no!
DOROTHY
You mean those things that brought us here?
UGU
Yes.
DOROTHY
The things that killed the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman?
UGU
Yes.
DOROTHY
I see. Right. Well how does it work?
LION
Dorothy, no!
DOROTHY
Lion, you saw how powerful those things were. They pulled the Tin Woodsman apart like… they’re strong. We know that. We can ask them to fight the dragon.
UGU
The wearer of the Cap can command the Monkeys three times only. But their power is fickle – they’re bound by the Cap but they’re unpredictable –
DOROTHY
How does it work?
LION
Dorothy, are you sure?
DOROTHY
Of course not, but the alternative is getting roasted alive by that thing. Ugu?
UGU
Put the Cap on your head and recite the inscription on the inside band.
DOROTHY
How can I read the inscription if I’m wearing the cap?
UGU
You’ll have to memorise it.
LION
And quickly. That dragon is circling closer.
DOROTHY
Thank God I have a photographic memory then.
UGU
You do?
DOROTHY
Of course not. All right…
She mutters the spell under her breath for a moment then puts on the hat.
DOROTHY
(intoning)
Ep-pe, pep-pe, kak-ke.
LION
That’s it? That’s the spell?
UGU
Shh!
DOROTHY
Hil-lo, hol-lo, hel-lo.
A magical wind begins to form.
LION
Something’s happening…
DOROTHY
Ziz-zy, zuz-zy, zik!
A crash of lightning, just as in Episode 4, and the demonic screech of the Monkeys echoes.
In front of Dorothy appears the WINGED MONKEY – ghostly, apparition and spokesman of the Monkey Tribe.
WINGED MONKEY
This is the first of three times you have summoned the Winged Monkeys. What is it you command of us?
DOROTHY
I… whoah. I did a spell. Cool!
LION
Dorothy!
DOROTHY
Right. Sorry. Umm, I command you to do battle with the –
The dragon screeches outside – too close for comfort.
DOROTHY
(frantic)
The dragon! Fight the dragon, get it away from here!
WINGED MONKEY
As you wish.
The Winged Monkey vanishes. An army of Winged Monkeys appear and fly past Dorothy, screaming all the way as they face off against the dragon.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
That poor dragon. It was the same as the Winkies, really. For years it had been under the Witch’s thrall and now it was finally free. It was confused and scared and lashing out. And now it was facing an army of screaming, magical flying monkeys. It was probably terrified.
The skies above the Witch’s castle became a battleground. The dragon stopped attacking the Winkies and instead turned its attention to the Winged Monkeys that surrounded it. We watched from the window as it swooped, dodged and tried to elude its new enemies.
The Dragon continues to screech at his attackers, belching fire and fighting. And the Monkeys keep coming.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
In the end, the dragon couldn’t hold out against the onslaught. Dozens of Winged Monkeys descended upon the creature, grabbing its legs, its wings, anything they could. And before we knew it, they dragged the screaming monster away beyond the horizon.
The dragon is dragged away. The Winkies begin to cheer below.
LION
They did it. The Monkeys saved us.
DOROTHY
That makes a change I guess.
LION
What did they do to the dragon?
DOROTHY
I don’t know. Flew it away somewhere else I guess.
LION
Where it can scare another village of people.
UGU
As long as it isn’t here. Dorothy, I don’t know what to say. You’ve saved the Winkies again.
DOROTHY
Good.
(pause)
Now it’s time the Winkies did something for me.
UGU
What? Anything, we’ll do it.
DOROTHY
Point me in the direction of your best tin smith.
INT. BLACKSMITH
Sounds of a forge and anvil slowly build up around Dorothy’s narration.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
It had taken me a while, but I finally realised something. Oz was a magic land. I know, obvious right? Clueless Dorothy. Talking scarecrows and royal mice and witches and wizards and I was only now realising the significance. Until now I’d been treating Oz like any other place back home. But Oz is no place like home. It has its own rules. Its own magic rules. And it was time I used that to my advantage.
My two closest allies in this magical land had been taken from me – but they were the most magical of my allies. So I figured magic could bring them back. I had the remains of the Tin Woodman taken to the Winkie who used to be the city blacksmith in the days before the witch. And I asked her to restore my metal friend to his original condition – better than new.
LION
What’s that going to do?
DOROTHY
I don’t know yet. I’m playing a hunch. He’s a tin man, for God’s sake. Remember the other night, he said he doesn’t sleep because he’s not really alive? Then he can’t really be dead either, can he?
INT. WITCH’S GREAT HALL
DOROTHY (V.O.)
Next it was time to find the Scarecrow. I assembled the Winkie Guards and took them into the wasteland where the Winged Monkeys first found us. And we started a search for whatever we could find of my brainless friend – whatever remained. Even if it was just his hat, I wanted it.
In a few short hours, we found him. The straw had long since blown away, but we still had most of his clothes, his gloves, his face – and yes, even his hat – still hanging there in the tree. We gathered the materials together and brought him back to the castle, where I personally set about restoring him.
I’m from Kansas, after all. I’ve been fixing scarecrows all my life. I had this. And no sooner had I repaired his head –
SCARECROW
Hello Dorothy – miss me!
Dorothy jumps.
DOROTHY
Jesus Christ!
SCARECROW
You’re renaming me? Cool!
DOROTHY
Scarecrow! Are- are you really –
SCARECROW
A head on a table? Apparently. Dorothy, where’s my body?
DOROTHY
It’s, over there, I’m still stuffing it. I’ll help attach it as soon as…
(she gives his head a big hug)
Oh Scarecrow, I thought we’d lost you!
SCARECROW
(slightly muffled)
Wow, hugs. Nice hugs. I should get ripped apart by Winged Monkeys more often!
DOROTHY
Don’t you dare!
Door opens and the Tin Woodman and the Lion enter.
LION
Hey Dorothy, look who I found escaping from the blacksmith!
TIN WOODMAN
I wasn’t escaping, I just wasn’t sitting around waiting on them to re-rivet me again.
DOROTHY
Tin Woodman!
She stands up and gives him a hug too.
TIN WOODMAN
Careful now, this breastplate was only just polished.
SCARECROW
Look out, Tin Woodman! She’s in a hugging mood!
LION
Scarecrow!
DOROTHY
Oh I can’t believe it! You’re both back and you’re both here and …
(she sniffles)
SCARECROW
Dorothy, are you crying again?
TIN WOODMAN
Careful, your jaw will rust.
DOROTHY
(teary with joy)
Oh shut up. Both of you.
(sniff)
I’m never letting either of you out of my sight ever again, got it? All of you, even you Lion.
LION
So what do we do now?
SCARECROW
Nothing until you reattach my body!
DOROTHY
That won’t take me long. Then I think it’s time we went back to the Emerald City. Together.
TIN WOODMAN
Off to see the Wizard!
DOROTHY
And I have every intention on making an entrance.
INT. EMERALD CITY OFFICE
Omby Amby and Jelia Jamb have a meeting.
JELIA JAMB
Have you seen this?
She dumps a paper on Omby’s desk.
OMBY AMBY
It’s a photo. Cute kid.
JELIA JAMB
Cute Munchkin kid. Cute wounded Munchkin kid – see his arm?
OMBY AMBY
Oh crap.
JELIA JAMB
It’s been circulating around the city. Now they’re calling for some definitive action from the Wizard to stop the conflict.
OMBY AMBY
What do they expect us to do? If the Munchkins want to hack each other to pieces –
JELIA JAMB
I need to tell them something. Has the Wizard given any indication what he’s going to do yet?
OMBY AMBY
What do you think?
JELIA JAMB
They’re asking me the question, Omby. They want to know what the Wizard plans to do.
OMBY AMBY
The Wizard, as ever, plans to do nothing. The policy of the Emerald City is to protect the Emerald City at all costs, skirmishes in –
JELIA JAMB
It’s turned into civil war!
OMBY AMBY
What do you want from me, Jelia? The Wizard commands and we –
Sudden alarms all over the building.
JELIA JAMB
Omby?
OMBY AMBY
Don’t look at me, I don’t know what’s happening.
(shouting)
Faramant!
Faramant rushes past.
FARAMANT
Can’t talk, being invaded.
JELIA JAMB
What!?
OMBY AMBY
Faramant, what’s happening.
FARAMANT
(into communicator ring)
Storkguard platoons four, twelve and fifteen, take position on the east and south borders. I repeat, east and south. I don’t want anything else coming in from the rear while we’re all looking ahead.
(to Omby)
You haven’t heard?
JELIA JAMB
We’ve heard the alarms!
FARAMANT
Winged Monkeys. Coming in from the West.
OMBY AMBY
This is it then. Battle stations.
FARAMANT
Already on it.
JELIA JAMB
The Witch is finally invading?
OMBY AMBY
Guess sending that girl was one step too far. I’ll have to brief the Wizard –
FARAMANT
Wait a second
(into communicator)
Say again Storkguard?
(pause)
They’re going to land in the Palace Square.
OMBY AMBY
Then shoot them down, Faramant!
FARAMANT
You can’t shoot down Winged Monkeys, you know that.
(to communicator)
All guards to the Palace Square. Repeat, all guards to the Square.
They all rush from the room.
EXT. EMERALD CITY SQUARE
A crowd has formed. People everywhere, mostly citizens, onlookers, checking out what’s going on. Guards hold them back. Faramant, Omby Amby and Jelia Jamb rush in.
OMBY AMBY
What are all these citizens doing here? They’ll get themselves killed!
FARAMANT
It’s lunchtime on a weekday, this place is always packed.
OMBY AMBY
Well get them out! It’ll be a bloodbath!
JELIA JAMB
It’s too late! Look!
The screech of the Winged Monkeys comes closer. Then we hear Dorothy’s laugh as they land and disappear.
DOROTHY
Miss me?
OMBY AMBY
You… you’re dead!
DOROTHY
You don’t look so fresh yourself, buster.
FARAMANT
But you went to the Witch of the West.
JELIA JAMB
Willingly!
OMBY AMBY
You either died or she made you her slaves!
TIN WOODMAN
Well, both, technically.
SCARECROW
But we came back. Aren’t we good?
LION
Not until we’d killed her of course.
DOROTHY
We? How was this a ‘we’ thing? It was my bucket of water.
OMBY AMBY
This is … well it’s… you killed her?
DOROTHY
Yes. We’d like to see the Wizard now please.
OMBY AMBY
I –
DOROTHY
He did ask us to return once we did what he asked, and not before. And we’re in a hurry so if you could just show us the way –
OMBY AMBY
Stay where you are! The Great Oz does not take audiences on the whims of –
DOROTHY
Guys, I do believe this guard hasn’t been listening to what we‘ve been saying.
TIN WOODMAN
Wax in the ears. Always gives you flesh people trouble.
DOROTHY
Let me explain this again. I’m Dorothy Gale. You’ve just seen me command the Winged Monkeys. You’ve been informed that I’ve battled and destroyed the Wicked Witch of the West. You will notice I have been blessed by the Witch of the North and I’m wearing the shoes of the Witch of the East, whom you recall I also killed. Granted, I haven’t yet met the Witch of the South but three out of four ain’t bad. So what does this tell you? It tells you that I am one super powerful person and you had better not mess with me. Do I make myself clear?
OMBY AMBY
(gulp)
Perfectly.
DOROTHY
Take us to see the Wizard.
OMBY AMBY
Right away.
FADE OUT
INT. THRONE ROOM
DOROTHY (V.O.)
There was no way I was letting them send us in one at a time. All or nothing, and I wouldn’t accept nothing. It’s amazing how much you can get away with once you kill off half the ruling caste of a country.
The doors open ominously and the four friends enter timidly.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
That doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared out of my wits as we entered the throne room together.
SCARECROW
(whisper)
I don’t see him anywhere.
TIN WOODMAN
(whisper)
Me neither.
LION
(whisper)
I think I’m going to wait outside, let me know how it goes.
DOROTHY
(normal volume)
Don’t you move. I’m fed up with this, I want to go home already.
(yelling)
Wizard! Are you here? I am Dorothy Gale and I demand you show yourself!
WIZARD
(booming voice)
I am Oz the Great and Terrible! Why do you seek me?
SCARECROW
Where did the voice come from?
WIZARD
I am everywhere. To the eyes of common, pitiful mortals I am invisible. You may address me by my throne. Now explain how you dare approach me in such a manner!
DOROTHY
(false bravado)
We come to claim what you promised to us.
WIZARD
What promise?
DOROTHY
What do you mean what promise?
SCARECROW
You, you promised me a brain, and the Lion some courage.
TIN WOODMAN
And me a heart.
DOROTHY
And you were going to send me home to Kansas.
WIZARD
Is the Witch of the West truly destroyed as we agreed?
DOROTHY
I-I melted her with a bucket of water myself.
Pause
DOROTHY
Are you still there?
WIZARD
I will need to consider this carefully. Come back tomorrow.
DOROTHY
Excuse me?
WIZARD
The Great Oz has spoken!
TIN WOODMAN
No, I don’t think so.
SCARECROW
You’ve had plenty of time already!
WIZARD
(louder and boomier)
Do not speak to me in such a tone! I am the Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz! I should crush you into an infinitesimal atom!
Toto yelps and runs away to a corner to hide.
DOROTHY
Toto, come back here!
(to Wizard)
You frightened him!
LION
He’s in trouble now. She gets mad when people frighten her dog.
WIZARD
You should all show such wisdom as the animal! I am the Wizard of Oz! Obey me and leave this place before I bring a terrible something upon you –
Toto yelps and knocks over a screen. The Wizard’s rant echoes into feedback as his microphone falls over.
WIZARD
(normal voice)
Oh crumbs.
DOROTHY
Can everyone else see that weird little man with the microphone trying to hide behind the screen?
WIZARD
Ahh… pay no attention to me, I’m just a little friend of the Wizard’s here…
TIN WOODMAN
(shouting at the throne)
Wizard! Do you hear me! Give us what we want or we will end your little friend here! I’m not kidding!
SCARECROW
Tin Woodman, wait. I think … he is the Wizard.
Pause
DOROTHY
But he’s just… you’re just…
WIZARD
(very humble)
I’m the … Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz. Yes.
LION
I don’t believe it.
WIZARD
I’m afraid it’s true. I’m very, very sorry for fooling you all…
DOROTHY
But you can’t be. The Wizard is all powerful. The entire country is afraid of him. Wicked Witches are afraid. You’re just a little … old…
TIN WOODMAN
Nice try. All right, Wizard, enough mind games – show yourself! I’ll kill him, I will! I’m heartless remember, I’ll do it.
WIZARD
Please, don’t strike me, please! I really am the Wizard, I promise you. My name is Oscar Zoroastor Diggs, balloonist extraordinaire, Ruler of the City of Emeralds and the greater lands in Oz for many years now.
DOROTHY
It’s … it’s another disguise then? You’re only pretending to be a little old man, you’re still all powerful, right.
SCARECROW
I don’t think he is, Dorothy. I don’t think he has any powers at all.
DOROTHY
But he has to.
SCARECROW
All-powerful wizards don’t cower in the corner like that.
DOROTHY
But … you were my only hope. The only one who could possibly help me. Help us.
WIZARD
I’m sorry my dear, I’m really sorry.
LION
Sorry? You’re a humbug!
WIZARD
Shh! Please keep your voices down. If somebody heard you out there I’d be finished. Nobody besides you knows I’m a fraud. You have to promise not to tell anyone.
LION
Why should we?
DOROTHY
You’ve been lying to the people of Oz for so long, don’t they deserve to know the truth?
WIZARD
And what do you think they’d do to me then? Please, I beg of you, tell nobody. Oh I knew I shouldn’t have let you in here. They said you were so demanding, and when they said you killed the Witch of the West I was so afraid you’d come in by force…
SCARECROW
If you’re not really a wizard, how did you do all those things you did? The booming voice and the glowing heads and… stuff.
WIZARD
Oh, nothing to it, just a few video projections, some hidden speakers and a microphone or two. Lots of little tricks that have kept the people of Oz mystified…
TIN WOODMAN
What’s a video projection?
DOROTHY
What do you mean, what’s a video projection?
(realising)
Oh, you don’t know what videos are, do you? Nobody in Oz does, cause they don’t have them here. Which means you mustn’t be from Oz. That’s how you knew about Kansas and the United States.
WIZARD
You’re right. I’m originally from Omaha, Nebraska. I used to work in a circus, travelling from town to town, showing the locals little magic tricks, that sort of thing. I was hoping to become a ringmaster someday. I guess I got my wish, in a way.
DOROTHY
What happened? How did you end up here?
WIZARD
I don’t know. I was working as a balloonist, giving folks rides around the circus grounds – just a bit of fun. Anyway, one day I was up in the balloon, in the air waiting for customers, when a storm whipped up. The ropes twisted and I couldn’t lower myself down again. Then the wind picked up – the ropes snapped and before I knew it the balloon and I were flung away into the storm, tossing and turning.
DOROTHY
Sounds like what happened to me and my house.
WIZARD
Well what goes up must come down, and eventually the balloon came to rest here in Oz, right outside the gates of the Emerald City. They were having a spot of trouble at the time. The king was dying, there were wicked witches trying to take control and, well, they needed someone to lead them. So when they saw my balloon land from the sky, with my initials painted on the side… they assumed I must have been sent to help them.
TIN WOODMAN
Your initials? Oscar Zoroaster…
WIZARD
O. Z. The name of your country, yes. So I did a few tricks for them, I managed a small sound and light show which scared the wicked witches away from their beautiful city. After that, well, they all called me a Wonderful Wizard. And who was I to disagree?
SCARECROW
So you lied to everyone?
WIZARD
I merely accepted the position offered to me. And being trapped in another world, unable to get back home, I thought it was the best action to take at the time. And I haven’t been bad for Oz in the long run. I’ve kept the Wicked Witches at bay for years. The Emerald Citizens have been kept safe.
DOROTHY
You’ve not done much for Oz in general though have you? It’s a mess! The Winkies have spent the last decade possessed, the Munchkins have descended into civil war. That doesn’t sound too wonderful to me.
WIZARD
I do what I can, but –
DOROTHY
How long has it been since you left this room? Have you spoken to your subjects out there? Everyone thinks you’re all powerful, you can do anything. Want a brain? Want a heart? Need a way to get back home again – go see the Wizard! They call him wonderful! He’s great and terrible, fantastic powers at his command, because of the wonderful things he does. And in the end I’ve got more power in my little finger than you do, and I’m just a girl from Kansas. You’re a very bad man, Mr Diggs.
WIZARD
No, no, I’m really a very good man. I’m just a very bad wizard.
DOROTHY
I beg to differ. Come on guys, let’s go.
SCARECROW
Wait, isn’t he –
DOROTHY
He can’t give you your brains Scarecrow. He can’t give the Tin Woodman his heart or the Lion his courage. He’d need to have all those himself first, and he’s just proven he hasn’t got any of them. And as for getting Toto and me back home… Well, best we can do is tell the Emerald Citizens what we know.
TIN WOODMAN
I agree.
WIZARD
What? No, you can’t!
LION
They deserve to know the truth.
WIZARD
Please, you don’t know what they will do to me. You’ll bring Oz to its knees! The people are already distressed with the sudden deaths of the witches – you expose me now and you doom Oz to chaos and war! They need me now more than ever to keep them safe!
DOROTHY
You can’t keep them safe! You haven’t got any power!
WIZARD
But they don’t know that! Without me there will be panic. People will die.
DOROTHY
I think you’re more concerned with what they’ll do to you when they find out. And you know what, I don’t care. You sent me to the Witch of the West knowing she would probably kill me and you didn’t care. I think it’s your turn.
WIZARD
Wait! I’ll do anything. I’ll give you what you came here for!
SCARECROW
You will?
WIZARD
I can give you your brain, Scarecrow. I’ll give you a heart, I’ll give you some courage, I’ll even send you back home if I can, just please don’t let them know what I am!
SCARECROW
He might be able to do it.
DOROTHY
How? You’re a fake.
WIZARD
Give me a chance, please. Let me prove myself to you.
LION
It can’t hurt to give him a chance Dorothy.
SCARECROW
We haven’t got much to lose at this point.
TIN WOODMAN
It would be worse to have been through all we have to come out with nothing.
WIZARD
Please, Dorothy. Don’t go out that door. Not yet.
Pause
DOROTHY
All right. Show us what you’ve got, ‘Mister Wizard’.
INT. PALACE CORRIDOR
Faramant listens to the final few moments of the previous scene.
FARAMANT
(whispering)
I don’t believe it…
JELIA JAMB
Faramant!
FARAMANT
Shh!
JELIA JAMB
You’re not listening in at the throne room door? The Wizard will –
FARAMANT
The Wizard’s a fake!
JELIA JAMB
He’s what?
FARAMANT
I just heard it. They figured it out. The Wizard… he’s a fake! I need to tell Omby Amby!
He rushes off down the corridor.
JELIA JAMB
Faramant, wait! What do you mean!
She follows behind him.
INT. EMERALD CITY OFFICE
OMBY AMBY
Faramant, are you drunk?
FARAMANT
I heard it as clearly as I hear you now.
OMBY AMBY
That’s not a no.
FARAMANT
Of course I’m not drunk. They worked it out. He was begging them not to tell anybody. The Wizard – begging!
OMBY AMBY
Jelia, shut the door.
He waits for her to close it.
OMBY AMBY
Have you told anybody else this? Either of you?
JELIA JAMB
No, we came straight here.
OMBY AMBY
Keep it that way. We don’t want this sort of nonsense getting out. The city is nervous enough as it is.
FARAMANT
You believe me, sir?
OMBY AMBY
Of course I don’t, it’s nonsense. Of course the Wizard is real. You don’t think he could fool the whole of Oz for this long, do you?
JELIA JAMB
No, but…
OMBY AMBY
What?
JELIA JAMB
Well it’s just it makes a bit of sense.
OMBY AMBY
Oh Jelia…
JELIA JAMB
Well have you heard of anyone who’s actually seen the Wizard? Lately I mean? Omby, you’re the only one who speaks with him on a regular basis, but even you only hear a voice in the room, don’t you.
OMBY AMBY
This is ridiculous.
JELIA JAMB
He’s never seen in public, he hardly ever takes audiences and when he does he appears as strange fantastical beings –
FARAMANT
Fantastical beings from afar. Never close up.
OMBY AMBY
Because he’s a Wizard and he chooses these shapes –
JELIA JAMB
And let’s be honest, there’s always been those theories –
OMBY AMBY
And I expect better of you to believe in them. Yes, crackpots have said for decades the Wizard isn’t real. They also say the government puts implants in their heads, and crossing the Deadly Desert won’t turn you into sand. Idiots will believe anything.
JELIA JAMB
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
FARAMANT
And I’m not just a crackpot –
OMBY AMBY
Ha!
FARAMANT
– I heard him. I heard the Wizard himself admit it.
OMBY AMBY
Now that’s enough.
FARAMANT
Omby, I’m telling you –
OMBY AMBY
And I’m telling you to drop it. Both of you. We are entering a period of uncertainty that Oz hasn’t seen since Pastoria died. The Emerald City needs a strong leader now more than ever. They do not need rumours seeding doubt and suspicion in the Wizard that they need to depend on –
FARAMANT
But –
OMBY AMBY
Drop it, and that’s an order.
He marches out and slams the door.
JELIA JAMB
I think we’ve been told.
FARAMANT
I can’t. I can’t drop this. It’s too important. I need a Ring.
JELIA JAMB
Faramant, no, don’t do it.
FARAMANT
(opening a ring)
Operator, put me through to the broadcasters. I have breaking news.
INT. THRONE ROOM
The Wizard is seeing the Scarecrow first.
WIZARD
Mister Scarecrow, if you could just sit here.
SCARECROW
Of course.
WIZARD
Now, I have something here that I think could do the job quite well. If you’ll just allow me to open the seam at the back of your head I’ll make the installation and you’ll be thinking genius thoughts in no time.
SCARECROW
What are you putting in?
WIZARD
It’s a bag of bran. Oh, I mean, erm, bran-new brains, of course. Yes, here we go.
SCARECROW
It’s a bit pointy for brains, isn’t it?
WIZARD
I put some pins in there, that way you’ll know your brains are sharp.
DOROTHY
Oh brother.
SCARECROW
Does that make me a pinhead?
DOROTHY
Yes.
WIZARD
Quiet, please, I am about to make the first incision.
EXT. EMERALD CITY SQUARE
A crowd is forming, an uncomfortable crowd, listening to a general broadcast.
RADIO REPORTER
(distorted)
Wonderful or worthless? That’s what the Emerald Citizens are asking of the Wizard today after a surprising revelation from deep in the Wizard’s inner circle. Faramant, the Guardian of the Gates himself, issued a statement a few hours ago, declaring the Wizard of Oz is in fact a fake with no true power. He claims to have only discovered this today, and feels it his civic duty to spread the news. He has also made it clear that this statement is from him personally and is not the official position of the Emerald City administration.
Of course, rumours of the true extent of the Wizard’s power have circulated among certain circles for many years. However this is the first time someone so close to the Wizard himself has made such a claim. In the hours since this statement was made, members of the public have begun to gather in the streets and outside the Wizard’s Palace. And all of us are asking the same question – is the Wizard truly as wonderful as we were led to believe? If so, then will the Wizard give us a demonstration of his powers and settle this issue once and for all?
INT. THRONE ROOM
The Wizard attends to the Tin Woodman.
TIN WOODMAN
All right, my turn. I want my heart and I want it now.
WIZARD
Easy son, easy. I’m not sure I should give you one while you’re this excited. Might give you an attack, eh?
He chuckles, awkwardly.
TIN WOODMAN
Funny. Are we doing this or not?
WIZARD
Don’t get your cast iron knickers in a twist. Here we are.
TIN WOODMAN
Is that meant to be a joke?
WIZARD
It’s a heart, isn’t it?
TIN WOODMAN
It’s a bit of silk shaped like a heart.
WIZARD
Yes, quite. What I thought I’d do is cut a hole in your chest and place it in there. You’ll have emotions before you can blink!
TIN WOODMAN
Why do I feel doubtful?
WIZARD
See, it’s already working! You feel something! Imagine how much better it’ll work once it’s installed!
EXT. EMERALD CITY OFFICE
Faramant, Jelia Jamb and Omby Amby are inside. The sound of a building mob can be heard outside.
OMBY AMBY
You are so fired.
FARAMANT
I had a duty.
OMBY AMBY
You’re also under arrest for treason!
JELIA JAMB
Faramant, don’t you realise what you’ve done?
FARAMANT
I had a duty.
JELIA JAMB
You have a city about to tear this palace apart!
OMBY AMBY
I told you the people were already nervous. I warned you that letting this sort of thing get out would start a panic. I’d lock you in the prisons except leading you through the crowds in chains would just make things worse.
FARAMANT
Is that why there’s a guard pointing a sword at me?
OMBY AMBY
I should make him cut your head off.
JELIA JAMB
Omby, enough.
OMBY AMBY
You’re right. We need to focus on damage control.
JELIA JAMB
I don’t know what we can do. We can issue a blanket denial, but that might give this credibility –
OMBY AMBY
It’s got credibility! He’s the Guardian of the Gates! Until now anyway.
JELIA JAMB
And I don’t think it would do any good to just deny it. They’re assembling at the Palace steps, and they’re not going away.
OMBY AMBY
This is just what I was afraid of. The Munchkins are in revolt, the Winkies are a mess. Now the Emerald Citizens are taking up arms.
JELIA JAMB
They haven’t taken up arms yet. But give them time.
OMBY AMBY
You’re the expert in public relations, Guardian of the People. What do we do from here?
JELIA JAMB
We have to handle it delicately –
FARAMANT
Why not ask the Wizard to prove he’s not a fake?
OMBY AMBY
Shut up.
FARAMANT
Get him to do something wonderful, that will fix it.
OMBY AMBY
Someone get him out of here. Lock him in a cupboard.
JELIA JAMB
I think he might be right.
OMBY AMBY
No he’s not.
JELIA JAMB
If our stance is that the Wizard is really a Wizard, then we’re going to have to back it up. Faramant may have done the wrong thing, but he’s tapped into nagging doubts that have been there for decades. That’s not going to be undone with just words.
FARAMANT
And what do you do when the Wizard can’t deliver?
JELIA JAMB
Then we – well maybe that’s something the people need to know too.
OMBY AMBY
There will be chaos. A whole city realising their all-powerful ruler isn’t nearly as powerful as they believed? They’ll put our heads on pikes before you can blink. It’ll be worse than the Munchkin war ever was.
FARAMANT
But you’ve got nothing to worry about, do you Omby? The Wizard is real, isn’t he? Why not ask him to prove it so we can all go home.
OMBY AMBY
Faramant I swear if you don’t… You know what? Fine. I’ll go ask him. I’ll seek an audience, I’ll alert him to the problem, I’ll request a special one off demonstration of his power. Then you’ll see.
INT. THRONE ROOM
The Lion’s turn to see the Wizard.
WIZARD
It’s all right Lion, you don’t need to be scared.
LION
I’m not scared, I’m p-p-petrified.
WIZARD
I understand completely. I’ve been scared an awful lot in my time. Actually, I don’t know many who haven’t.
LION
Not as frightened as me.
WIZARD
I don’t know. You should have seen me when I tried to battle the Witch of the West. You should have seen me squirm!
LION
Maybe you need some courage too?
WIZARD
Wouldn’t say no, I don’t mind telling you. How about some of this?
He uncorks a bottle. The Lion takes a sniff.
LION
What is it?
WIZARD
A bottle of courage, I mixed it myself. Quite a good vintage if I dare say so – have a drink.
LION
I have to drink that?
WIZARD
Well, courage can only come from within, can’t it? So for it to work, you have to drink.
LION
Well, ok, if you say so…
He drinks the bottle.
WIZARD
What do you think?
LION
(hiccup)
Smooth.
WIZARD
Everyone’s a critic.
Mystical beeping noise – a Ring is ringing.
DOROTHY
What’s that?
WIZARD
Just a Ring. One of the little communications devices we have here in the Emerald City. Somebody needs the Wizard’s attention.
(he answers it and puts on a voice)
Who seeks the Great Oz?
OMBY AMBY
(distorted)
Your Ozness. It is the Guardian of the Throne. I- I seek your wisdom and advice.
WIZARD
You may speak!
OMBY AMBY
(distorted)
Your people have… they have come to doubt your… they’ve stopped believing you’re really a Wizard.
WIZARD
(whisper)
What?
OMBY AMBY
There was a rumour. There’s always a rumour but this is… They’re assembling on the Palace steps. They’re demanding proof of your mighty power.
WIZARD
(angry)
You told them!
DOROTHY
We haven’t left this room, how could we?
WIZARD
You promised me that if I helped you you’d keep this quiet, and now they all know!
TIN WOODMAN
You don’t think they might have worked it all out for themselves?
SCARECROW
Anyone with a brain could guess it eventually. Which actually includes me now, thanks for asking.
WIZARD
I shouldn’t have trusted you. I should have kept you out while I had the chance.
OMBY AMBY
(distorted)
Great Oz, if you could make an appearance, show them you are truly the Wonderful Wizard that they have come to trust –
WIZARD
I need to get away from here.
DOROTHY
Where do you think you’re going?
WIZARD
I have to escape.
DOROTHY
You can’t leave us to deal with all this. What about getting me back to Kansas?
WIZARD
I haven’t got time, they’re coming for me!
TIN WOODMAN
You can’t just run away.
SCARECROW
Who’s going to rule the Emerald City?
WIZARD
You do it. With your bran-new brains you might be better at it than I was.
He runs out of the back of the throne room.
DOROTHY
Mr Diggs, get back here! Wizard! Lion, what are you smiling at?
LION
(tipsy)
My face has gone all numb.
(hiccup)
DOROTHY
Oh God. Wizard, get your ass back in here and face the music!
(to the others)
You guys stall them, I’m going to drag Oz the Great and Terrible back whether he likes it or not.
She rushes after the Wizard.
SCARECROW
Rightio, I’m sure I’ll be able to think of something!
(he laughs)
I got a brain you know.
TIN WOODMAN
Good. Then maybe you can think of something to tell the Guardian of the Throne out there!
INT. WIZARD’S TOWER
DOROTHY (V.O.)
At the back of the throne room was a hidden door that led to a windy staircase that led to what I presumed was the Wizard’s private rooftop courtyard. There I found a huge orange hot-air balloon with – just as he’d said – the letters ‘O’ and ‘Z’ emblazoned on the basket. The Wizard himself was already inside and firing up the burner.
WIZARD
Keep back, Dorothy! I mean it!
DOROTHY
Oh no you don’t. Get out of there and face your people!
WIZARD
I can’t, I’m sorry.
DOROTHY
You can and you will, even if I have to drag you out! You lied to them, you owe them the truth!
WIZARD
They’ll destroy me!
DOROTHY
Not if you come clean they won’t! Tell them what happened, be honest and you’ll be fine.
WIZARD
Don’t be so naïve, what would you do if you were in their position?
DOROTHY
I am in their position! I trusted in your great power too, remember, and look where it’s got me!
WIZARD
I’m sorry, I really am. But I can’t stay here. I just can’t. I had this balloon prepared for just this situation, ready to go at any time. And that time has come.
DOROTHY
Don’t you even think about dumping this on us. What are we supposed to tell your people?
WIZARD
Whatever you like. Tell them I was killed. Tell them I went to heaven. Tell them I was a Wicked Wizard who abandoned them all, I don’t care! Oz is yours now, tell them what you like!
He fires the burner again and starts to float away.
DOROTHY
Don’t you float away while I’m yelling at you. Get back down here right now!
WIZARD
(drifting away)
Goodbye Dorothy! I hope you find your way back to Kansas. Perhaps we’ll meet again there someday!
DOROTHY
You’d better pray I never see you again! Wizard! Wizard!!!!
WIZARD
(now far away)
Goodbye and good luck!
DOROTHY
(to herself)
I’m gonna kill him. If I ever see that man again I am going to kill him…
The crowd below screams in surprise as the balloon flies by.
DOROTHY
As long as the Emerald Citizens don’t kill us first…
CLOSING CREDITS