Read the production script for Episode 6 of The Chronicles of Oz: Ozma of Oz. This script may differ slightly from the final released audio.
Episode Six
PREVIOUSLY
Recap of the previous five episodes.
INT. CAVERN
The Nomes surround as before, giggling and murmuring. As with the previous episodes, we open with narration. Only this time, the Nome King has taken control.
NOME KING (V.O.)
Once upon a time, in the far away land of Oz, there was a little princess called Ozma. When she was just a baby her father the King died of a broken heart, leaving the infant princess all alone in the world. So a bad, bad Wizard stole her away and hid her with a wicked witch so he could rule the land of Oz himself. And the witch cast a spell on the princess, trapping her in the form of a boy, ensuring Ozma’s voice was just an echo in a young man’s mind.
And so the boy grew up, oblivious to who he really was. And the world soon forgot about Ozma of Oz. Until one day, when the Wizard was gone and the land was in peril, a series of events revealed Ozma’s fate and she was returned to the throne at long last. And the people of Oz were so happy and joyous.
But even that didn’t last. Because Ozma soon proved that growing up trapped in the back of someone else’s mind doesn’t equip you with real life skills. That just because your father was a king doesn’t mean you have it in you to be a true leader. That just because you have magic powers and a tiara doesn’t make you the great saviour everyone thought you would be.
What are you going to do, Princess Ozma? Perhaps you should step aside after all, and let those more capable take your place…
The doors slam open, and in runs TIP, fresh from Season 2, and he meets the Scarecrow and Tik-Tok.
TIP
It’s ok! Everything’s all right, I’m here!
SCARECROW
Tip? Tip, it’s really you! You’re back!
TIP
You bet I am.
SCARECROW
But we thought you were dead!
TIP
Only until it became necessary for me to come back and save the day. Sorry it took me so long. Did you miss me?
SCARECROW
Absolutely! Oh, Tik-Tok, this is Tip! He’s what Ozma used to look like.
TIK-TOK
It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr Tip.
TIP
Likewise. Where are the others?
SCARECROW
The Nome King has them, he turned them into ornaments. But you’re here now, you can save everyone!
TIP
I’ll do what I can. I don’t have any actual magic myself, remember.
TIK-TOK
That should not be a problem. Remember that Ozma did have magic, and she could not save us.
TIP
That’s true. But there’s something I’ve got that Ozma doesn’t.
TIK-TOK
What is that?
TIP
I’ve saved the day before. Can’t be that hard to do it again, right?
SCARECROW
Absolutely. It’ll be just like the old days! So what’s our plan?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Plan? You’ve got a plan, Dad?
TIP
I sure do, Jack, and I’ll need your help. Get that couch and put it together with that other couch and tie them up!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oh, I remember this!
TIP
Tik-Tok, you should help him.
TIK-TOK
As you request.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Did you understand all that, Tik-Tok?
TIK-TOK
I understand it better than you do.
SCARECROW
Do you need me to find a mirror? Get a lantern so we can magic the door?
TIK-TOK
Now we must Gump the head in the front and tie Jack’s feet together.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Right. Tie my feet together.
TIP
You two are so silly.
WOGGLE BUG
(sampled from Season 2)
I’m not getting on this contraption, it doesn’t look remotely safe!
SCARECROW
What did the Woggle Bug say?
TIP
The same thing he always says.
WOGGLE BUG
You’re trusting our well-being to a man with a fruit as a head, and I don’t think I will shut up!
TIP
We’re nearly ready, hold on!
The other door smashes open again. It’s Jinjur.
JINJUR
Hold it right there!
TIP
General Jinjur!
SCARECROW
But what happened to the Nome King?
JINJUR
You foolish idiots. I was the Nome King all along! I was in disguise!
TIP
Well this makes everything much easier then.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
It does? How, Dad?
TIP
We’ve defeated you already, Jinjur, we can do it again!
JINJUR
Is that a fact?
TIP
You just wait until we’ve finished building our flying Gump!
SCARECROW
You’ll be sorry you tried to cross us again, Jinjur!
JINJUR
And you’ll be sorry you ever were born!
TIK-TOK
We are certainly doing a better job than we did when Princess Ozma was in charge.
TIP
Ozma? Who’s Princess Ozma?
White-out. Cut to:
INT. STONE BEDROOM
Ozma awakes, gasping. The previous scene was a nightmare.
OZMA
(shouting)
No! I’m Ozma! I’m… dreaming. It was all a dream.
(pause)
Pity. I’ll bet Tip would have got us out of this mess.
There’s a knock on the door.
NOME KING
(outside)
Wakey-wakey, Princess! Time for round two!
OZMA
May as well get this over with.
INT. NOME KING’S THRONE ROOM
It’s morning again. Ozma, the Scarecrow and Tik-Tok enter, greeted by the Nome King.
NOME KING
Welcome, welcome. Did you sleep well, my friends?
SCARECROW
Don’t call us friends.
TIK-TOK
Also, the Scarecrow and myself do not sleep.
NOME KING
Maybe you should try it, you’re tetchy this morning.
OZMA
Can we just do this, please?
NOME KING
Impatient little princess, aren’t you?
OZMA
Maybe. But no, I didn’t sleep well, and I’m hungry and I’m sad and I just want it to be over.
NOME KING
Hungry? Oh, that isn’t right, you didn’t get the breakfast I ordered for you?
OZMA
What breakfast?
NOME KING
I swear I’m going to fire that Chief Steward of mine.
(shouting)
Kaliko!
(to the others)
I told him to arrange a full buffet for you. Start you off in a cheerful mood.
SCARECROW
What’s the point? You’re going to destroy us all anyway.
NOME KING
Let it never be said that I am not a benevolent Nome King.
(shouting)
Kaliko!
OZMA
Forget the breakfast. I’ll just go in.
NOME KING
Not a chance, I must be a gracious host. You! Robot.
TIK-TOK
My name is Tik-Tok.
NOME KING
Whatever. You don’t eat, do you?
TIK-TOK
I think, speak, act and do everything but live.
NOME KING
Yes, yes, but you don’t eat?
TIK-TOK
That is correct.
NOME KING
Then you go in first. Go have your guesses while I work out what happened to the young lady’s breakfast.
OZMA
You’re too kind.
NOME KING
Just give me one moment, your Highness. Say goodbye and whatnot.
The Nome King leaves.
SCARECROW
We can’t just keep going in one by one until we’re all ornaments.
TIK-TOK
Is there an alternative?
SCARECROW
I have an idea.
Silence. The Scarecrow is expecting a response.
OZMA
Well?
SCARECROW
I… I…
OZMA
What?
SCARECROW
Normally when I say ‘I have an idea’ the Tin Woodman says ‘uh oh’ and… and…
He breaks down.
OZMA
Oh Scarecrow…
TIK-TOK
I do not understand.
OZMA
It’s a thing they do.
SCARECROW
We had so many dangerous adventures together, and we escaped them all. Now he’s become an ornament and lost to me forever.
TIK-TOK
He was always an ornament to society.
OZMA
Oh dear.
SCARECROW
Yes, but now the Nome King laughs and calls him the funniest ornament in his collection, and it’s awful! He has his pride you know! He… had his pride…
OZMA
Scarecrow? What’s your idea?
SCARECROW
Oh. We need to —
The door opens and the Nome King marches back in. Some Nomes bring a trolley of food behind him.
NOME KING
I have no idea what happened to Kaliko, he’s probably got distracted by a diamond again or something. I’ll punish him later. Please, help yourselves to breakfast.
OZMA
That’s what you call breakfast?
NOME KING
They’re rock cakes! Mixed with a rich clay and browned in the fiery furnaces. Goodness gracious, some people are never satisfied. Have you said your goodbyes yet?
TIK-TOK
We shall do so now. Farewell Scarecrow and Princess Ozma.
SCARECROW
Goodbye, Tik-Tok.
OZMA
Goodbye. Good luck!
TIK-TOK
Thank you, Ozma. And you never know. Perhaps I will be successful in my venture. I will use my three guesses wisely.
Tik-Tok exits to the ornament chamber. A moment of awkward silence.
NOME KING
It’s sad, you know.
SCARECROW
No kidding.
NOME KING
So few of you left now. Soon my fun will be over and I’ll have nothing left to keep me entertained.
OZMA
How sad for you.
NOME KING
I guess I’ll have my new ornaments to admire. You know, I think I’ll make sure I put you all together with Queen of Ev and her kids. Just so you’ll have found them all at the end. It’ll be poetic.
SCARECROW
You’re cruel. You know that? Cruel.
NOME KING
Thank you.
SCARECROW
And I think you lied to us.
NOME KING
Is that so? How?
SCARECROW
You made us believe that this would be an easy thing to guess. But it’s all just chance. We have to pick ornaments at random.
A Nome enters the room.
NOME KING
It is easy, if you’re a good guesser. It’s not my fault your whole group are all poor guessers.
(to Nome)
What is it?
The Nome whispers in his ear.
NOME KING (cont’d)
Or even proactive guessers would be helpful. What’s going on in there?
OZMA
What?
NOME KING
Your mechanical friend isn’t moving. He’s stopped still in the middle of the room, not even guessing.
OZMA
He must have run down. I didn’t wind up his action this morning, did you?
SCARECROW
(slightly too obviously)
No, no I didn’t wind him at all. He must have run down like you said. Careless, careless.
OZMA
Sorry, an occupational hazard when you’re powered by clockwork.
NOME KING
Well someone has to go in there and wind him up then, don’t they? We can’t have him standing still the whole time — he’s not an ornament yet, you know.
OZMA
Has he finished his guesses?
NOME KING
He’s got one left. Ok, which one of you is going in to fix him? Then you can stay in there and start your guesses when he’s done.
SCARECROW
I’ll go.
OZMA
Scarecrow —
SCARECROW
Don’t argue with me, Ozma, I’ve made up my mind. You’re Queen of Oz and I’m your subject, so it’s only right I —
OZMA
You’re King of Oz too, remember? Once a king always a king, isn’t that how it goes?
SCARECROW
Yes but —
OZMA
And would you really leave me? Alone? Don’t make me be the last one left. I couldn’t bear it.
SCARECROW
I… very well.
OZMA
Thank you.
SCARECROW
But now I’m going to be the last one.
OZMA
You’re braver than I am, Scarecrow. You should have stayed the king.
SCARECROW
No, don’t say that.
OZMA
Goodbye.
(she hugs him, then whispers)
Don’t forget about Billina.
SCARECROW
(whispering)
I won’t.
(louder)
Goodbye, Princess Ozma. May good luck go with you.
Ozma leaves the room.
INT. ORNAMENT CHAMBER
Ozma walks in and approaches Tik-Tok.
OZMA (V.O.)
Knowing that I was probably seeing the Scarecrow’s face for the last time, I entered the Ornament Chamber. Trying not to think about the thousands of objects that surrounded me. And how many of them used to be my friends.
In the centre of the room, just as the Nome King had said, was Tik-Tok. Motionless, like a statue. Just as he had been when we first saw him in Langwidere’s palace. So long ago.
OZMA
Oh Tik-Tok. You have to be more careful.
(pause)
Hang on. You’re already —
TIK-TOK
(whispering)
Shh. Do not speak so loudly, or the nomes may hear you.
OZMA
(whispering)
Your action is already fully wound, what’s the problem?
TIK-TOK
This was the Scarecrow’s idea. His big plan he was trying to tell you before.
OZMA
He told you the plan before he told me?
TIK-TOK
It was a necessity. He thought I should pretend to be wound down, so that one of you would come in to wind me up again. Then you would be able to observe the result of my final guess.
OZMA
And we’d be able to see what you turned into. Brilliant Scarecrow.
(pause)
But we were all there when the Lion got transformed, and we couldn’t work it out, remember? There was that big flash.
TIK-TOK
When the Lion was transformed we were not expecting it to happen and were not looking for clues. You will be more informed this time.
OZMA
I hope so, Tik-Tok. I really do.
TIK-TOK
Please pay close attention. I will make my final selection now.
OZMA
Wait —
TIK-TOK
Yes, Princess Ozma?
OZMA
Good luck.
TIK-TOK
Thank you.
(he touches an object)
Ev.
As with the Lion, Tik-Tok immediately begins to melt. However he does not scream.
OZMA
Oh Tik-Tok, no!
TIK-TOK
I appear to have guessed incorrectly.
OZMA
You’re melting, Tik-Tok, just like the Lion. Does it hurt?
TIK-TOK
I cannot feel pain.
OZMA
Does everything but live. Oh Tik-Tok!
TIK-TOK
Please do not grieve for me, please pay close attention. You must solve the riddle of the ornaments!
And with a flash he’s gone. Pause.
OZMA
Tik-Tok! No, no wait, I didn’t see it. The flash was too bright! Tik-Tok! Tik-Tok, which one are you? Tik-Tok!!!!
The Nome King’s laughter echoes around the chamber.
INT. NOME KING’S THRONE ROOM
The Nome King continues to chuckle.
SCARECROW
You’re enjoying this a bit too much I think.
NOME KING
I really am, it’s not healthy. You should see her. ‘Tik-Tok, no!’ it’s hilarious.
SCARECROW
People seem to forget about me.
NOME KING
You? How can I forget about you? You’re standing right in front of me, dropping straw on my Throne Room.
SCARECROW
They forget about who I am. What I’ve done. I used to be King of Oz, you know.
NOME KING
I’d heard something along those lines.
SCARECROW
Wasn’t for me, really. Did it for a while, stopped a war or two but decided it was more fun being the ruled rather than the ruler. You can relate, I’m sure.
NOME KING
Right. Is there a point to all this?
SCARECROW
It’s something Ozma and I have in common — we’ve both been rulers of Oz. We both know the pressures you’re under, when you live in the Throne Room of the Emerald City. The decisions you have to make, the lives you hold in your hands every single time you make a choice. Everyone wants your attention, all the time.
NOME KING
Yes, I’m aware. I’m pretty much a king myself, you know.
SCARECROW
The Tin Woodman, he says he gets it, because he’s an Emperor. And the Lion is king of the forest, but it’s not the same. You have to be pretty special to be the King of Oz and make it work.
NOME KING
What’s your point?
SCARECROW
My point is, Ozma’s not just special. She was born to be the Queen. She’s having a bit of a time of it, lately. She’s not found her confidence yet. But when she does, oh yeah, when she does…
NOME KING
Yes? What?
SCARECROW
You ought to hang on tight to those Silver Slippers, Nome King. Cause there’s nothing going to stop Ozma of Oz once she gets going.
The tunnel door bursts open, and Billina comes rushing in, clucking like mad. She’s chased by Kaliko and they start lapping the room.
BILLINA
Out of my way! Out of my way!
KALIKO
Get back here! Stop!
SCARECROW
Billina? Where have you been?
BILLINA
Running from him, what do you think?
KALIKO
I’ll roast you alive, feather-brain!
BILLINA
He’s been yelling that at me all night! Up and down the catacombs, it’s been hilarious. You’ll never catch me though!
NOME KING
Kaliko, what is this?
KALIKO
I’m trying to deal with it, sire.
NOME KING
Is that… a chicken?
BILLINA
No, I’m a can of tuna, what do you think!
KALIKO
I’ll have it destroyed immediately.
NOME KING
Get it out of here, Kaliko! Get it out now!
BILLINA
He’s trying, you know, to be fair. I’m just too fast! You don’t get to be top hen in the yard being slow, you know.
SCARECROW
Hang on, are you afraid of a little chicken, Nome King?
KALIKO
Chickens are forbidden in this realm!
SCARECROW
But who doesn’t love chicken?
NOME KING
Did you bring this thing here?
BILLINA
Thing?!?
SCARECROW
Billina’s our friend.
NOME KING
I knew it. I knew you lot would be planning something. You’re trying to assassinate me!
SCARECROW
Wait, what?
NOME KING
You brought a chicken into my mountain! Oh, transformation is too good for you. Kaliko, assemble my guards, now!
KALIKO
At once, sire.
He rushes out the door.
BILLINA
You really don’t like us chickens, do you?
NOME KING
Don’t address me you vile creature! This game is over. You all die — now.
INT. ORNAMENT CHAMBER
Ozma is walking around the room, making her guesses.
OZMA
Ev!
(silence)
One down. Two to go. If I was a queen, what would I be?
TIP
(ghostly, hardly there)
But you are a queen.
OZMA
(gasp)
What was that? Is someone else here?
(silence)
I’m imagining things. That’s what’s happening. Talking to myself too, quite probably.
TIP
Quite probably.
OZMA
Well. Let’s get this over with. Eeeny, meeny, miny —
TIP
(slightly growing in volume)
Are you seriously going to blow this chance you have to save everyone?
OZMA
No. I’m…
(despondent)
I give up. I seriously just give up. What’s the use, I can’t pick anything.
She slumps down on the floor. Tip’s voice materialises fully.
TIP
Get up. Ozma, you’re better than this.
OZMA
You’re not really here. You’re in my head.
TIP
Only one of those sentences is true.
OZMA
You’re just a dream. Another dream.
TIP
No.
OZMA
Or you’re the Phanfasms back to taunt me again.
TIP
Also no.
OZMA
You can’t be you. You’re dead.
TIP
And you’re not dead. Not yet. So for the last time, Queen Ozma, get up off the floor and save your people.
OZMA
I’m no queen. You’d have made a better ruler than me. You should have stayed and I should have stayed dead.
TIP
No, I’m not letting you go down that path. That’s your problem, Ozma, you’ve spent this whole time wondering who should have been here instead of you. Me. Dorothy. Your father. Lurline herself. But we’re not here. You are. This is down to you.
OZMA
Why is it down to me?
TIP
Because you’re Ozma.
Voices from the past start to echo around her.
SCARECROW
(from Season 2)
So it’s true. You are the heir to Lurline!
OMBY AMBY
(from episode 1)
You’re the descendant of a Fairy Queen.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
(from Season 2)
But you are Tip, in a way. And Tip’s you.
TIP
(from Season 2)
Me? I’m Ozma?
OZMA
(from Season 2)
No. I’m Ozma.
TIP
You’re the only one who can solve this. Out of everyone you brought with you. It’s not Dorothy, it’s not the Tin Woodman or Tik-Tok. It’s you.
OZMA
What’s so special about me?
TIP
I’m not going to waste time arguing with you. You’re everyone’s last hope. And it’s beneath you. Be a queen and find a queen.
OZMA
I’m not a queen though. I’m just a Princess.
TIP
Only while you let yourself be one. The only one stopping you being the queen you were meant to be is you. Get. Up.
INT. NOME KING’S THRONE ROOM
The Nome King is still fuming at Billina.
SCARECROW
Now let’s not be hasty, what about that game?
NOME KING
The game is off. You all die. Nobody tries to assassinate the Nome King.
SCARECROW
Nobody’s trying to! Who said anything about assassins?
NOME KING
Why else would you bring a chicken here?!
BILLINA
That’s racist.
SCARECROW
What’s wrong with chickens?
BILLINA
All we do is cluck and lay eggs.
NOME KING
Exactly.
BILLINA
Actually, haven’t laid one this morning yet. Just one moment —
NOME KING
Stop! Stop right now! You dare… dare bring eggs into my throne room! YOU DARE!
SCARECROW
You don’t like eggs?
NOME KING
Eggs are poisonous! Poison to nomes! Everybody knows this!
SCARECROW
Well I didn’t until just now.
BILLINA
Well that’s ridiculous. My eggs are lovely.
SCARECROW
Too right. I’m building a collection of them — see, here’s one she laid a day or so ago. Still fresh.
NOME KING
(backing away)
Keep… keep back…
SCARECROW
Well. Now that’s changed things a bit hasn’t it. Billina, keep laying your new egg, I think we have a use for it.
BILLINA
On it. Literally.
SCARECROW
Now, Mr Nome King. How do we find out which ornaments are the Royal Family of Ev? Otherwise you might find the yolk’s on you.
BILLINA
Oh brother.
SCARECROW
What’s the trick?
BILLINA
Oh! I almost forgot to tell you!
NOME KING
Shut up you stupid bird!
BILLINA
You shut up you egg-phobic idiot. Scarecrow, I know how to find the Queen of Ev!
INT. ORNAMENT CHAMBER
Ozma is still guessing. Tip is helping.
OZMA
Ev!
(silence)
This is useless!
TIP
Stop saying that.
OZMA
Why should I?
TIP
You’re not thinking.
OZMA
I am thinking.
TIP
What do you and Evella have in common? You’re both queens!
OZMA
How is that helpful?
TIP
You’re the only one here that can do this. The only one who knows what you’re looking for. Because you’re really looking for yourself, right?
OZMA
If I was a queen, what would I be?
TIP
Exactly! So what’s the answer?
OZMA
I… I don’t know. What does being a queen got to do with what the Nome King has turned her into? She could literally be anything.
TIP
Could she? You know the Nome King pretty well by now.
OZMA
Sure.
TIP
You’ve spent more time with him than Dorothy did. What do you know about him?
OZMA
Well… he’s arrogant. Very full of himself.
TIP
Yep. And?
OZMA
And he’s dramatic.
TIP
Biggest drama queen this side of Ev, right?
OZMA
Not just dramatic — he’s theatrical. Everything is a show, even this game. If he wanted us in his collection he could have just clicked his heels and done it on the spot. But he’s making us go through this.
TIP
Yes. And?
OZMA
And it must be solvable. He wouldn’t get anything out of this if it wasn’t. There must be a key — a pattern to what he’s turning us into. It’s not random!
TIP
Because if it was random, how would he find it funny?
OZMA
So what is it? What’s the common denominator for people of Ev?
TIP
Think like a queen…
OZMA
Size? No, the Lion and Tik-Tok touched loads of stuff that were of different sizes. It must be something else.
TIP
You can do this, Ozma. Think!
OZMA
There are only three royal family members here. Queen Evella and her two children. Which means whatever it is must only apply to three objects alone in this whole room.
TIP
Three royal objects.
OZMA
Royal… Tip – I can’t see anything purple in here.
TIP
(knowingly)
No. Me neither.
OZMA
Purple is a royal colour. My palace is covered in it. So was Langwidere’s. You’d think someone in love with being royalty as the Nome King is would have more purple around…
TIP
And…?
OZMA
Except wait. This kitten statue. Tip — it’s purple. Whoever heard of a purple kitten?
TIP
Make the link, Ozma. Solve it!
OZMA
This is the only purple thing I’ve found so far. Which means there’s hardly anything in here that’s purple. So that must be the common denominator!
TIP
Only one way to find out.
OZMA
If I’m wrong —
TIP
Then you won’t even know it. Do it, Ozma.
Ozma touches the statue.
OZMA
Ev!
A low bell tolls in the distance. The magic builds and with a blast of energy, the statue transforms into EVRING, Prince of Ev.
PRINCE EVRING
Where am I? Who are you? What happened to me?
OZMA
Well I declare! I’ve really done it!
PRINCE EVRING
Done what?
OZMA
Saved myself from being an ornament — and saved you from being a purple kitten!
PRINCE EVRING
There’s no such thing as a purple kitten.
OZMA
Well not anymore. Let me help you up.
(she helps him stand)
My name’s Ozma. You must be the Prince of Ev.
PRINCE EVRING
My name’s Evring.
OZMA
Nice to meet you Evring. How are you feeling?
PRINCE EVRING
I’m a little confused. Where’s my mum?
OZMA
I don’t know yet, but we’ll find her I promise. But I need your help, Evring. Help me find anything in this room that’s purple. Has to be purple.
PRINCE EVRING
Sure.
OZMA
And be careful not to touch anything. I’m pretty sure this room is about to become more dangerous.
The door blasts open and the Scarecrow rushes in.
SCARECROW
Yoo-hoo! Ozma!
BILLINA
Don’t touch anything!!!!
SCARECROW
We worked it out! We know the trick!
OZMA
Yes, they’re purple! The Ev Royal Family are purple things!
SCARECROW
And the Oz ones are green! We can save them all, Ozma! All of them!
PRINCE EVRING
Ozma, I found one! It’s a purple footstool!
SCARECROW
Who’s that?
OZMA
The Prince of Ev, of course. Good work Evring! Don’t touch it, I don’t think you’re part of the game. Let me.
(she puts her hand on it)
Ev!
Another bell, and another flash. Queen Evella appears before them.
QUEEN EVELLA
Oh my…
BILLINA
It’s the queen!
QUEEN EVELLA
Who speaks!
BILLINA
Why, my name’s Bill by rights, although Dorothy’s put scallops on it and made it Billina —
PRINCE EVRING
Mum!
QUEEN EVELLA
Evring! Evring, oh my boy! Come here!
They hug.
SCARECROW
Aww…
OZMA
Quickly, look for one more purple thing, that’ll be the princess. Then look for green ornaments.
QUEEN EVELLA
What’s happening? Who are you?
PRINCE EVRING
It’s Ozma of Oz! She’s saved us!
OZMA
Not yet I haven’t. Sorry, we don’t have time for a full explanation. Please help us look for our friends.
SCARECROW
Why? What’s the hurry?
OZMA
You don’t think the Nome King is going to sit out there and just let us win, do you?
INT. NOME KING’S THRONE ROOM
The Nome King fumes.
NOME KING
No… no I won’t have it… I won’t. Nobody gets the better of me, you little bitch! Nobody. Kaliko! Assemble my army, now! And seal the entrances. Nobody leaves this mountain!
INT. ORNAMENT CHAMBER
The room is starting to get very crowded as everyone gets restored to their true form.
OZMA
Ev!
Bell, flash, and the Lion appears, roaring.
SCARECROW
Lion!
TIK-TOK
Welcome back, Mr Lion.
LION
Where’s that little Nome King? I’ll bite his head off!
PRINCESS EVANNA
Mum, it’s a lion!
QUEEN EVELLA
I know, my darling, I know. It won’t hurt you. Will it?
OZMA
Just don’t get between him and the Nome King and you’ll be fine.
BILLINA
I found another green thing! It’s a baseball! A green baseball!
OZMA
I’m coming.
BILLINA
We’ve nearly got everyone now, right?
OZMA
Nearly. Let’s see who’s hiding in here.
(touching the ornament)
Ev!
Bell rings. Flash. Dorothy appears.
DOROTHY
Jesus Christ!
SCARECROW
Dorothy!
DOROTHY
That — that was not pleasant.
OZMA
Welcome back.
DOROTHY
You did it after all?
OZMA
You look surprised.
SCARECROW
We haven’t done it yet. We haven’t found the Tin Woodman. He’s the last one.
OZMA
Ok, everyone, eyes peeled. We’re looking for something that’s funny and green so —
NOME KING
Enough!
He barges in with an army of Nomes behind him.
BILLINA
Uh-oh. Time’s up.
NOME KING
I’ve indulged this silliness for far too long. The game was entertaining, it gave me a few laughs. But it’s over now. Nobody brings eggs into my palace and thinks they can get away with it.
OZMA
But we’re winning, Nome King. We worked out your game.
NOME KING
You cheated!
OZMA
I worked it out before Billina told me, thank you very much! Now, we have found the Queen and her children and we will be leaving to —
NOME KING
Silence!
His voice echoes around the chamber ominously.
NOME KING (cont’d)
Have you forgotten who you are addressing, little girl?
OZMA
Have you? I am Ozma of Oz. Last heir of the Lurline bloodline. Ruler of the Emerald City. Protector of the Munchkins. Mistress of the Winkies. And you will not keep these people captured a moment longer.
PRINCE EVRING
Yeah, you tell him, Ozma!
QUEEN EVELLA
Evring, hush!
DOROTHY
Don’t forget, he still has the Silver Slippers.
NOME KING
And you would be wise to remember that. But I don’t need them when I have such a large army at my disposal.
(to the army)
Take them out. Rip them apart. Every single one of them.
The army starts forward. Nome King chuckles with evil intent.
Suddenly the Scarecrow pelts one of them with an egg. It splatters across his face. The Nome starts screaming uncontrollably.
SOLDIER NOME
They have eggs! They have eggs!
Panic. Everyone starts screaming. Scarecrow starts hurling eggs at every Nome in sight.
SCARECROW
We’re not all we’re cracked up to be, are we?
BILLINA
Talk about getting beaten.
NOME KING
Stop! Stop, attack them! Now!
SCARECROW
We got more, how do you want em? Sunny side up?
BILLINA
What’s the matter? Can’t take a yolk? We’re not walking on eggshells around you, you know!
SCARECROW
Omletting you have it now!
BILLINA
It’ll be quite the egg-sperience!
DOROTHY
I will hurt both of you.
LION
Wouldn’t that just egg-acerbate things?
DOROTHY
Stop it.
OZMA
I don’t understand?
SCARECROW
Eggs are poison to them! It’s their weakness! And we’ve got a handy little egg-maker right here!
BILLINA
I’ve just laid another one!
SCARECROW
Better laid then never.
OZMA
Wait, stop. Give me that egg, Scarecrow.
DOROTHY
What are you doing?
OZMA
I’ve got an idea.
SCARECROW
Uh-oh.
OZMA
Shut up. Just as long as can get my fairy magic on.
TIK-TOK
You can do it, Princess Ozma.
DOROTHY
Whatever you’re trying to do.
Ozma’s magic starts and builds.
OZMA (V.O.)
I held the egg in my hand and concentrated on drawing on Lurline’s magic. And soon the egg began to glow. Then it grew, bigger and bigger and bigger…
DOROTHY
What the hell?
OZMA
Everyone keep back. I don’t know how far this’ll go.
NOME KING
What is this… this abomination.
OZMA
Still think we’re nothing to be worried about, Nome King?
NOME KING
You’re crazy!
OZMA
It’s getting bigger, Nome King!
SCARECROW
It’s getting too big, Ozma. Don’t you think we should, you know, stop it?
DOROTHY
But look at his face! You’ve never seen an egg this big, have you?
NOME KING
If that egg breaks, it’ll destroy us all!
OZMA
Destroy you all. I’m quite fond of eggs, myself.
NOME KING
I beg you, stop!
OZMA
Honestly, I can’t stop it. I’m not that powerful you know.
SCARECROW
What, you mean it’s just going to get bigger and bigger until —
OZMA
Until it hits the roof. Won’t be long now. Everyone get back, it’s about to —
The egg has grown to the point it fills the room. The roof caves in and the palace starts to collapse.
DOROTHY
Is everyone ok?
OZMA
Yep.
LION
I think we’re all still here.
TIK-TOK
All present and accounted for.
SCARECROW
Well, except for —
PRINCESS EVANNA
The Nome King is asleep!
DOROTHY
He’s unconscious! Quick, grab his shoes!
OZMA
On it!
She rushes over to grab the Silver Slippers off his feet.
OZMA (cont’d)
Let me take those off your hands, your majesty. Or feet.
(to Dorothy)
Got them. You should put them on.
DOROTHY
No, I shouldn’t.
OZMA
Don’t be silly, of course you should. They’re your shoes, Dorothy, you know how they work —
DOROTHY
Not this time. You should wear them, Pri… Ozma. You’ve fought the Nome King and won, you’ve earned them. Put on the Silver Slippers and get us all out of here.
OZMA
Are you sure?
DOROTHY
Quickly, this place will be rubble before long!
OZMA
Ok, I’m doing it…
She puts on the shoes.
OZMA (cont’d)
How do they work again?
DOROTHY
Just point and click really. Think about what you want and say it. Then click your heels three times.
SCARECROW
Wait, we haven’t found the Tin Woodman!
BILLINA
What do you mean?
SCARECROW
We haven’t found what he was turned into yet, we have to keep looking.
LION
We can’t leave without him.
TIK-TOK
The rubble in this room has covered most of the ornaments, we will never find the right ornament in time.
SCARECROW
Everyone look, quickly!
The roof shakes even more.
OZMA
Scarecrow, I’m sorry, but we can’t stay in here any longer.
SCARECROW
But —
OZMA
There won’t be a room here at all soon. I need to get us out of here, now.
DOROTHY
Well, there’s no place like Ev.
OZMA
Well put.
(she taps her heels together three times)
Take us all to the land of Ev!
The shoes do their magic and they all disappear, as the roof collapses completely.
INT. EV CASTLE HALL
Back in the land of Ev, a crowd of people surround Nanda, as Langwidere is escorted into the room by two guards. Langwidere is wearing Head Number 1 — her original head — and behaves much more naturally and neutrally than she previously did.
NANDA
Time’s up, Princess.
LANGWIDERE
And I thought you agreed to give Ozma a week to return. It has only been three days.
NANDA
Times change, priorities shift. I see you’ve returned to your Number 1 head for the occasion.
LANGWIDERE
What can I say? Original is best. If I am to die at your hand, Nanda, let it be as myself.
NANDA
And die you shall. Any last words, Princess Langwidere?
LANGWIDERE
I feel I’ve said all I can.
NANDA
Fair enough.
(to audience)
Ladies and Gentlemen. Today we witness the final end to the Royal Family of Ev and their mad rule over our realm. Today we execute Princess Langwidere and set ourselves free!
LANGWIDERE
Do you think this will solve your problems? Do you really think destroying me will save this land?
NANDA
So you have last words after all then?
LANGWIDERE
I challenge anyone to make sense of this country, and keep it in line. All of you. If one man or woman feels they can rule Ev better than I or my uncle, then step forward, and find it’s a greater challenge than you imagine! It takes someone special to rule a country. Someone strong, someone with a core of steel, someone like —
BLAM! With a whoosh the Silver Slippers transport Ozma, Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion, Tik-Tok, Billina, Queen Evella, Prince Evring and Princess Evanna into the room. They tumble all over each other in a heap.
DOROTHY
(angry)
Princess Ozma!!
OZMA
Come on, I bet even you couldn’t control these shoes properly the first time.
SCARECROW
Lion, get off me!
LION
I can’t, Tik-Tok’s on me!
NANDA
Ozma?
LANGWIDERE
I don’t believe it…
OZMA
Nanda… what’s going on here?
NANDA
We were —
OZMA
Is that an executioner’s block? Nanda, we had a deal!
NANDA
Yes, but nobody really expected you’d return from the Nome King, let alone with the Queen.
QUEEN EVELLA
(standing up)
Then aren’t you glad you were mistaken then?
The room realises the Queen is in their midst and react with deference.
NANDA
(on her knees)
My Lady.
LANGWIDERE
Aunty Evella!
PRINCE EVRING
Mum, what are they doing?
QUEEN EVELLA
It looks like they’re trying to execute your cousin, Evring. But that couldn’t be possible, could it Nanda? You wouldn’t ever do such a thing would you?
NANDA
My Lady, I… I…
QUEEN EVELLA
Release her at once. Your Queen orders it.
The guards release their prisoner.
LANGWIDERE
Thank you, Aunty.
QUEEN EVELLA
And now I demand an explanation for what has been happening here in my absence. Nanda? Talk. Now.
NANDA
Well, I… you know I…
Nanda continues to mutter in the background.
DOROTHY
Ozma, you did it. God knows I don’t know how, but you did it. You brought the Queen and her kids back to the land of Ev.
TIK-TOK
You have saved all of us.
OZMA
Yeah… I did, didn’t I?
SCARECROW
(sadly)
Not all of us…
INT. EVNA STREETS
Fireworks! A parade! Crowds are celebrating the return of Queen Evella and her children.
QUEEN EVELLA
(over a PA)
While we are grateful to Princess Langwidere for taking care of the throne in our absence, it is her wish that she no longer continue in the role, and one that we all wholeheartedly support.
LANGWIDERE
Especially me!
QUEEN EVELLA
Therefore, it is with great joy that I announce my son, Evring the Tenth, will ascend to the throne as King, with myself acting as regent until he comes of age. Long Live King Evring!
The crowd chants and cheers while Ozma looks on from a balcony.
DOROTHY
(approaching)
Was your coronation like that?
OZMA
I haven’t had a coronation. Not yet anyway.
DOROTHY
Well, you’ve got a standard to meet now. Can’t have the new King of Ev overshadowing the Queen of Oz, can we?
OZMA
Did we find out what she’s doing with Nanda?
DOROTHY
Locked her up somewhere, with the other rebel leaders. I didn’t want to ask any further questions, I might not like the answers. They… do things differently in Ev.
OZMA
This is very true.
Pause, as the fireworks play out.
DOROTHY
Ozma… I just wanted to say… if I was awful to you, over the last few days… then I’m sorry.
OZMA
It’s ok.
DOROTHY
No, it’s not. There’s… there’s some stuff going on at home.
OZMA
I know. You said.
DOROTHY
And I think… well, in trying to deal with that, I might have taken my frustrations out on you.
OZMA
Might have?
DOROTHY
Well, ok, I did. And it’s not cool.
OZMA
I think that went both ways, I wasn’t very nice to you either. I guess… even when I was a voice in Tip’s head, all I’ve heard was how amazing Dorothy Gale was. Sweeping through Oz like a tornado, overthrowing governments and turning everything upside down. I thought… how can I even compete with that?
DOROTHY
Compete? This is no competition — did you see what you did with the Nome King? You outsmarted him and defeated him with no help whatsoever.
OZMA
I had you guys.
DOROTHY
We stood there and made egg puns. You did all the work. Me? When I first got to Oz I had the shoes and I had the others saving my life every few minutes, and I had Glinda pulling a hell of a lot of strings. But you did it on your own. How am I supposed to compete with you, Ozma of Oz?
OZMA
(laughing)
Let’s agree to stop competing then. Friends?
DOROTHY
Friends.
OZMA
Deal.
DOROTHY
‘Women only call each other sister when they have called each other a lot of other things first.’
OZMA
Is that from Queen Azkadellia?
DOROTHY
No. Oscar Wilde. But I always confuse those two as well.
OZMA
I’m keeping the shoes though.
DOROTHY
Go for it. You look fabulous in them.
OZMA
They’ll come in handy when you want to get back home. If you want to of course — you can stay in Oz for as long as you —
DOROTHY
Thank you. I… I probably should go soon. It’s been a fun escape, with all the danger and kidnapping and dying. But I probably should let reality set back in, eventually.
OZMA
Just tell me when.
DOROTHY
Well, probably not right now, we’re about to have company.
Tik-Tok, the Scarecrow, the Lion and Billina approach.
SCARECROW
What is it? What aren’t you telling me?
LION
Just enjoy the surprise, will you?
SCARECROW
I’m not in the mood for surprises.
TIK-TOK
You will be when you see this one.
BILLINA
Hello girls! Enjoying the parade?
OZMA
What’s going on?
SCARECROW
This lot have decided I need cheering up. Don’t they know I’m in mourning?
DOROTHY
We can’t grieve over the Tin Woodman forever, Scarecrow. We have to accept he’s gone…
Billina starts giggling.
OZMA
What?
LION
Oh go on, show them. I can’t bear this any longer!
SCARECROW
Show us what?
TIK-TOK
This.
He hands over a piccolo.
DOROTHY
It’s a flute. So what? You want us to sing?
SCARECROW
I don’t think even a song and dance number will make me happy right now.
TIK-TOK
Technically, it is not a flute. It is a piccolo.
OZMA
So what?
BILLINA
No, look at it! It’s a green flute!
TIK-TOK
It is a piccolo.
BILLINA
I don’t care.
DOROTHY
Sure. It’s pretty.
LION
And it’s from the Nome King’s Ornament Chamber.
SCARECROW
What?
LION
That little princess Evella had it — she was playing with it, but her mother said she’d never seen it before. So we asked the little girl, and she said she’d found it in the ornament room. She put it in her pocket before we left!
OZMA
I told them not to touch anything!
BILLINA
But it’s a good thing she did!
SCARECROW
Do you think… do you think it could really be…?
DOROTHY
I don’t dare to hope. Ozma?
OZMA
Hand it over. Only one way to find out.
(she takes the ornament)
Ev!
BLAM! The Tin Woodman appears
TIN WOODMAN
Well, you lot took your time!
SCARECROW
Tin Woodman!
DOROTHY
Oh my God!
The Scarecrow throws himself at the Tin Woodman in a big hug!
TIN WOODMAN
Whoah! That’s a hug and a half, Scarecrow. People might think you missed me or something.
(pause)
Scarecrow, are you crying?
SCARECROW
Shut up.
TIN WOODMAN
Umm, we’re outside. When did we get out of the Nome King’s mountain?
DOROTHY
We’ll explain later.
BILLINA
You owe Princess Whassername a new flute now though.
TIK-TOK
It was a piccolo.
BILLINA
I don’t care.
OZMA
It’s really good to have you back, Tin Woodman.
LION
We thought we’d lost you forever.
TIN WOODMAN
You should have learned better than that by now. So, what now? Return to Oz?
DOROTHY
Well, you can’t have Oz without Ozma, can you?
INT. THRONE ROOM
Back in the Emerald City. Ozma is hanging the Magic Picture again.
OZMA (V.O.)
The land of Ev was once again whole, and the people seemed happy that their Queen had returned. So it was time for us to leave.
We offered to take Dorothy with us back to Oz, so she could see the Emerald City again and spend more time with her old friends. But she felt that she had spent enough time away already and asked to go back. Three clicks of the Silver Shoes and she was on her way home again. Some things never change.
Billina, on the other hand, decided not to go back to America, and said she’d much rather stay in a magic land where she could talk. We told her we were more than happy for her to stay, and we’d find a place for her in the Emerald City.
We said goodbye to Tik-Tok, who had a big job ahead of him protecting the new king of Ev, and with the help of my shiny new shoes, we all returned to Oz. At long last.
Ozma, Jack Pumpkinhead and Omby Amby enter the throne room.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
But Dad, there’s one thing I don’t understand.
OMBY AMBY
Jack, there is definitely more than one thing you don’t understand.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
That’s true.
OZMA
What is it, Jack?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What happened to the Nome King? Did he die?
OZMA
I don’t know. We didn’t stick around long enough to check. The roof wasn’t very stable, I doubt it was going to leave much in its wake.
OMBY AMBY
Even so, I think I’ll have Faramant raise his priority on the watch list. Last thing we want is having him turn up unexpectedly in the Emerald City of Oz.
OZMA
Well I’m hoping it won’t be so unexpected with this.
OMBY AMBY
That painting again.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I still don’t understand what it’s supposed to do?
OZMA
It’ll show me things, anything I want to see, in theory.
OMBY AMBY
If you can get the magic to work.
OZMA
Well, yes.
OMBY AMBY
Which you haven’t been able to do so far.
OZMA
I’ve got a bit more firepower behind me now. You two watching?
OMBY AMBY
Yes.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Yes.
OZMA
Here we go.
She taps her heels together three times. The painting glows and turns on.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oh wow! That’s amazing!
OMBY AMBY
It’s a glowing painting. So what?
OZMA
I haven’t tuned it in yet.
(to the painting)
Show me Dorothy Gale!
The painting buzzes and we hear a boat horn, as it tunes into a shipping port.
DOROTHY
(on screen)
Uncle Henry! Henry, slow down! I’m not losing you again!
She continues under the dialogue.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
That’s her? That’s the famous Dorothy you mentioned?
OZMA
That’s her.
OMBY AMBY
Where is she? That’s… ocean?
OZMA
She’s in a place called Docklands. In a city called Melbourne, in the country of Australia. I know, sounds far fetched to me too.
DOROTHY
Look, I’ll meet you in the ‘Library at the Docks’, ok?
OMBY AMBY
Not Kansas then?
OZMA
She’s meeting up with her uncle.
That’s the thing about the Magic Painting. It’ll let me see anyone I want. No matter where they are in the world.
OMBY AMBY
Don’t let Jellia hear about this. Last thing we want is people thinking their government is spying on them.
OZMA
Not on them. On our enemies. I want to protect Oz, from anything that might cause it harm.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
That’s why you’re such a good princess!
OZMA
It’s why I’m a good queen, Jack. I’m Queen Ozma of Oz. And don’t you forget it!
CLOSING CREDITS
INT. CAVERN
In a post-credits sequence, we’re back in the Nome King’s throne room. It’s a ruin. The Nome King lies semi-conscious on the floor.
NOME KING
(waking up)
Ozma of Oz…. Ozma of Oz….
Kaliko pushes aside some rubble and scurries over to the Nome King.
KALIKO
He’s here! I found him, he’s here!
(to Nome King)
Your Majesty, can you hear me?
NOME KING
Kaliko?
KALIKO
Yes, sire, it’s me! It’s me!
NOME KING
What…
(cough)
What happened?
KALIKO
The room collapsed. That girl made an egg grow and…
NOME KING
I remember the egg… what happened to Ozma?
KALIKO
We don’t know. We thought she and her friends might be under all this but… we think she escaped.
NOME KING
How?
KALIKO
She… she took your… your Silver Slippers.
NOME KING
…no.
KALIKO
I’m sorry, sire.
(yelling back)
Get me some medical help! He’s still alive!
NOME KING
Forget the medicine, Kaliko. I need you to summon my advisers. All of them.
KALIKO
Now, sire? They’ll be working to restore your palace —
NOME KING
That can wait. I need them to begin strategizing. Immediately.
KALIKO
Strategizing for what, Sire?
NOME KING
For war, Kaliko. For war. I am going to make that prissy little princess suffer for what she’s done. Tell them all that the Nome King is going to conquer the Emerald City of Oz!
FADE OUT