Read the production script for Episode 2 of The Chronicles of Oz: Ozma of Oz. This script may differ slightly from the final released audio.
Episode Two
PREVIOUSLY
Recap of the previous episodes.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. TOWER
Continuation of the end of the previous episode. However Ozma starts with a new voice over.
OZMA (V.O.)
Once upon a time, many years after Lurline left the land of Oz, the throne fell to King Dashemoff and his Queen, Tryxie. The people of Oz loved their king, but they did not warm to Queen Tryxie. They felt she was vain, selfish and didn’t seem to care for her people at all. This broke Tryxie’s heart, for the thing she wanted most in the world was to win the love of her people.
Fearing for the Queen’s safety, King Dashemoff ensured his queen was surrounded at all times by the best soldiers in Oz. And it was lucky for her that he did — for one night, after all the courtiers had gone to sleep, an assassin broke into the Queen’s Chambers and attempted to take Tryxie’s life. It was only through the bravery of one soldier with green whiskers that she was saved — though sadly, in protecting his queen, the soldier lost his own life.
The king was glad that his wife was safe, but Tryxie could not overcome her intense guilt. She made it her mission to learn about the soldier who died for her. She discovered that he was an only child, and that his mother now had nobody to care for her.
Overcome with emotion, Tryxie decided she must give up her place in the Emerald City and help the late soldier’s mother. She lived with the old woman herself, and spent the next ten years caring for her and helping her, repaying her for what she had lost.
The people of Oz saw the sacrifice their queen was making, and instantly loved her, realising she wasn’t as selfish as she appeared, but in fact the least selfish queen the land of Oz had ever seen.
LANGWIDERE
(angry)
And what are you going to do, Princess Ozma?
OZMA
What?
LANGWIDERE
About this atrocity? Invading my privacy, breaking into my personal spaces — this is quite improper behaviour for guests of a princess!
OZMA
I —
DOROTHY
Guests?! That’s rich! You locked me up! You want to talk about improper behaviour, let’s start there! I was in that cell for days!
OZMA (V.O.)
It was her. Really her. Dorothy Louise Gale, the girl from Kansas, in the flesh. Ever since I came back, all I’ve heard about was Dorothy. How amazing she was. How she blew into Munchkinland one day, and in less than a week nothing would ever be the same in Oz again. It was barely a year ago, but she had already become legendary.
(a beat)
She was shorter than I thought she’d be. And wore less gingham.
SCARECROW
Dorothy, how are you even here?
DOROTHY
Long story, I’ll — oh my God, where’s Billina?
TIN WOODMAN
Who?
DOROTHY
Tik-Tok?
LION
What’s a Tik-Tok?
TIK-TOK
I am Tik-Tok. Now that you have been freed I will scan for Billina.
Tik-Tok starts grinding his gears as he thinks.
LANGWIDERE
No! Stop that, Tik-Tok! Stop it at once!
DOROTHY
Shut up.
SCARECROW
Dorothy, what’s going on?
DOROTHY
I’ll explain later, Scarecrow, really, when there’s more time.
(a beat, then excitedly)
It’s really good to see you all though! My God, you’re all here, aren’t you! Even… hang on, who are you?
OZMA
I’m Ozma, the —
A bell goes ding within Tik-Tok’s innards.
TIK-TOK
Billina has been located.
DOROTHY
Good, lead the way.
TIN WOODMAN
Lead the way? Where are we going?
LION
What in Oz is a Billina?!
They all rush down the stairs again.
LANGWIDERE
(rushing after them)
No! Not that way! That is the way to my private rooms! You Ozians have no right! No right at all!!!
INT. HEAD CABINET
OZMA (V.O.)
That’s what Dorothy was like. All take charge and ask questions later. She’s American, it’s what they do. So with Princess Langwidere screaming at us all the way, Dorothy and the clockwork man led us down the palace corridors, until we came to a closed off room full of cabinets. In each cabinet was a woman’s head, their eyes closed and still. And in the centre of the room was a yellow chicken, busily working her way around the cabinets.
BILLINA is counting the cabinet shelves. She clucks a little
BILLINA
Fifteen … fourteen… no, where’s her original head? It must be in here somewhere… Come on Billina, Dorothy’s counting on you!
DOROTHY
(running in)
Billina!
BILLINA
Dorothy! You escaped!
TIK-TOK
No. She was rescued.
SCARECROW
By us!
DOROTHY
Billina, what are you doing in here?
BILLINA
Trying to rescue you of course!
TIN WOODMAN
Was not expecting a talking chicken.
BILLINA
Once I found Princess Wassername’s original head I was coming up the tower for you.
DOROTHY
Why are you looking for her original head?
BILLINA
Because I figure that’s where she keeps all her most valuable stuff. Like the keys to your cell, for example. It’s where I’d be keeping the key, or my name isn’t Bill.
DOROTHY
It isn’t Bill, it’s Billina, and she had the key with her.
BILLINA
She did?
DOROTHY
In her pocket.
BILLINA
Well you can’t blame a bird for trying, can you?
DOROTHY
No, and thank you.
BILLINA
Gave me a chance to check out her spare heads though. Look at em all!
OZMA
‘Spare’ heads?
LANGWIDERE
(entering)
You have no right to be in here! This is my inner sanctum! My sanctuary! My most secret space and you have defiled it with your presence!
DOROTHY
I’ll do more than defile it!
OZMA
Langwidere, please, be rational —
LANGWIDERE
Rational! You want rational! I’ll have you all eviscerated for this! I’ll have your skin ripped off and your flesh boiled and your eyes roasted and your feathers fried —
BILLINA
Fried!?!
LION
Princess, are you ok?
SCARECROW
She seems a tad unhinged.
BILLINA
A tad unhinged? She’s demented!
LANGWIDERE
And I’m going to start by frying you, you stupid chicken!
She lunges at Billina who squawks in fear and flutters about. Tik-Tok goes into action, and grabs Langwidere.
LANGWIDERE (cont’d)
What the… who do you think you are, Tik-Tok! Unhand me at once!
TIK-TOK
You need to calm down, my Lady.
LANGWIDERE
I will rip your springs apart!!
TIK-TOK
Be calm or I will be required to take aggressive action.
LANGWIDERE
(yelling)
Let… me… GO!!!!
Langwidere screeches a guttural roar of pure anger. With a clunk, Tik-Tok knocks her head off. It bounces across the floor and Langwidere’s body collapses. Ozma shrieks.
TIK-TOK
I do not give a second warning.
TIN WOODMAN
Holy Lurline…
LION
You… killed her!
TIK-TOK
No. I have rendered her unconscious.
SCARECROW
You haven’t, you know. You’ve knocked her head clear off her shoulders!
OZMA
That was a bit excessive, wasn’t it?
TIK-TOK
I must apologise for the Princess’s behaviour.
DOROTHY
You don’t need to apologise for her, Tik-Tok.
BILLINA
Well she can hardly apologise for herself now, can she? He’s knocked her head off!
OZMA
I’m very concerned this creature doesn’t realise what he’s done. She’s dead!
DOROTHY
No, it’s ok. The Princess does this, apparently.
TIK-TOK
I am afraid Princess Langwidere has been wearing her Number 17 head. It has always been unstable, and prone to psychotic tendencies.
TIN WOODMAN
So you chopped it off?!
TIK-TOK
I will arrange for her to have a more tolerant head in its place. Excuse me while I attend to this.
Tik-Tok grabs Langwidere’s body and drags her aside. The others continue talking.
SCARECROW
Did he just say he’s getting her another head?
BILLINA
It’s what this woman does. She has multiple heads.
DOROTHY
Thirty of them, according to Tik-Tok. One for every day of the month. That’s what’s in the cabinets on the walls.
BILLINA
She switches them like hats. Once she’s bored of one, she picks out another one.
DOROTHY
With a new personality to go with it. I dunno, gimme a witch with a water allergy any day of the week.
SCARECROW
Dorothy!
DOROTHY
What?
SCARECROW
You’re back! Oh I’ve missed you!
He gives her a hug.
DOROTHY
Oh, I’ve missed you too Scarecrow!
TIN WOODMAN
What happened to Toto?
DOROTHY
He’s still in Kansas, far as I know.
LION
As far as you know?
TIN WOODMAN
And you have a chicken now?
BILLINA
I see it that I’ve got myself a human, quite frankly. Dorothy, who are all these people?
DOROTHY
They’re my friends from Oz! Remember, I was telling you. This is the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, the Lion and… sorry, I don’t know your name.
OZMA
Ozma. Of Oz.
DOROTHY
Right. Nice to meet you.
BILLINA
I thought you said we weren’t in Oz?
TIN WOODMAN
We’re not, we’re in Ev.
BILLINA
Then why are these guys here?
DOROTHY
I don’t know, why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be running the Emerald City, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW
Well, funny story, actually it’s —
TIN WOODMAN
What are we doing here? Dorothy, you’re supposed to be back home! Didn’t the Silver Slippers take you back?
LION
It’s really good to see you again, though, I though when we said goodbye that would be that forever —
Everyone starts talking over each other getting louder and louder until eventually Ozma yells over the top of them.
OZMA
Quiet!!!!
Everyone silences
OZMA (cont’d)
Sorry, it’s just … one question at a time, eh? Maybe? Huh?
DOROTHY
What did you say your name was?
OZMA
Ozma.
DOROTHY
Right.
SCARECROW
Dorothy, she’s the Queen of Oz now.
OZMA
Well, Princess.
DOROTHY
(confused)
Huh? Scarecrow, I thought we left you in charge?
TIN WOODMAN
There was a bit of a revolution.
DOROTHY
A what?!
LION
The Munchkins. Apparently. Don’t worry, they left me out of that one too.
OZMA
But I think the more important question is what brings you here, Dorothy? I understood that Glinda helped you use the Silver Slippers to return home?
DOROTHY
That’s right. And I got there too. Guys, you should have seen Aunt Em’s face, she was so happy —
OZMA
And now you’ve returned. How? The Silver Slippers again? Another storm?
DOROTHY
I lost the Slippers on my way back. No, this time was something very different. But just as sudden and unexpected.
OZMA
How do you mean?
DOROTHY
You know how … sometimes your whole world can change in an instant? A moment?
OZMA (V.O.)
Here we go again.
EXT. SHIP DECK – FLASHBACK
We start the first of the flashbacks to Dorothy’s journey here. She takes up the voice over. In the background a ship in a rough storm.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
After I got home, Uncle Henry had to find a way to rebuild our farm after the twister carried half of it to Oz. The insurance company wouldn’t pay out, so he was forced to go beg our distant but wealthy relations. In Australia. They insisted on seeing him in person to negotiate terms. And since Uncle Henry has a fear of flying, we had to go by ship. And because we couldn’t stand the thought of him being alone for the three week journey, I went with him.
Storm crashes. The boat rocks. Chickens in a nearby coop cluck.
DOROTHY (V.O.) (cont’d)
In hindsight, I’d rather we flew. It’d have been quicker. More expensive, sure. But less prone to storms.
Dorothy calls out into the swirling drama surrounding her on the ship.
DOROTHY
Uncle Henry! Look, I know we’re fighting, but this storm is getting serious now. You’ll just have to come back to the cabin and we’ll both be awkward for a couple of hours. Henry! Look, it’s Captain’s orders!
Chickens cluck notably nearby her.
DOROTHY (cont’d)
Nobody here but us chickens, eh?
(shouting)
Henry, you’re a stubborn old uncle! Where are you?
DOROTHY (V.O.)
Spoiler alert, he wasn’t up on decks after all. But I was. And I should have paid attention to the Captain’s warnings, cause it only took one good strong wave to send me flying over the edge of the boat and into the sea.
Dorothy screeches as the wave takes her away. There’s chickens crying out as the chicken coop goes with her.
DOROTHY (V.O.) (cont’d)
There were lots of things being knocked off the ship. Anything that wasn’t tied down — tables, crates, the chickens in the chicken coops. And me. And flapping about in the water I had to think fast.
I floundered around, grabbing at whatever I could to keep myself afloat. I managed to climb into one of the wooden chicken coops, which made for a surprisingly good raft — hey, remember that raft we had in the Munchkin River, Tin Woodman?
TIN WOODMAN (V.O.)
We don’t talk about the raft.
EXT. OCEAN – FLASHBACK
Fade to the middle of the ocean — the storm now passed. Dorothy floats in the crate on the water.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
So I was safe, but stranded in the middle of the ocean. I drifted for hours. The storm subsided, and eventually the sun came up. And that’s when I realised I wasn’t alone in my chicken coop.
BILLINA
(chicken noises)
Kut-kut-kut, ka-daw-w-w–kut!
DOROTHY
What the hell?
BILLINA
I’ve just laid an egg, is all.
DOROTHY
Oh. Cool. You do you.
(pause)
Wait a minute, you’re a chicken.
BILLINA
You didn’t get that from the fact I just laid an egg?
DOROTHY
Yes, but you’re a talking chicken.
BILLINA
Nothing gets by you.
DOROTHY
How the hell are you talking?!
BILLINA
Dunno. Honest, I’ve clucked and cackled all my life, and never spoken a word before this morning, that I can remember. But when you asked a question a minute ago, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to answer you. So I did. Weird, right?
DOROTHY
Umm. Yeah.
BILLINA
How’s my grammar?
DOROTHY
Pretty darn good. For a chicken.
BILLINA
Why thanks, ma’am.
DOROTHY
Oi. Less of the ma’am. I’m Dorothy.
BILLINA
Pleased to meet ya. I’m Bill.
DOROTHY
Seriously?
BILLINA
God’s honest truth.
DOROTHY
But you’re a chicken.
BILLINA
Chickens can’t be called Bill?
DOROTHY
Roosters, maybe. But if you’re laying eggs, you’re a girl.
BILLINA
Girls can’t be called Bill?
DOROTHY
Well, I guess they can. If they want to be.
BILLINA
When I was first hatched, back at the farm, they couldn’t tell whether I was going to be a hen or a rooster, you see. So they called me Bill. Then when I grew up they realised their mistake, but by then it was too late.
DOROTHY
Do you like being called Bill?
BILLINA
Well. Now I can speak and whatnot, I don’t mind saying… it’s a tad butch for a feminine bird like myself.
DOROTHY
Why don’t you call yourself ‘Billina’ then? Putting an ‘eena’ on the end makes it more feminine.
BILLINA
Billina. I like it. You’re pretty good at this!
EXT. BEACH – FLASHBACK
Beachside. Dorothy and Billina walk down the sand dunes.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
With that settled, we floated about for a while. I figured we must be drifting towards Oz or another magic land of some kind, what with the whole talking animals thing going on. Was good to have the company. Eventually the chicken coop carried us towards land, and we ended up on a beach. So there we were. Shipwrecked mariners.
DOROTHY
(singing)
‘Oh I do like to be beside the seaside! Oh I do like to be beside the sea…’
BILLINA
Are you singing that again?
DOROTHY
I’m trying to distract myself from how hungry I am!
BILLINA
Is it working?
DOROTHY
No!
BILLINA
You can eat my egg if you like?
DOROTHY
Raw egg, no thanks, I’m not that hungry. Well, not yet. You eat it though, if you like?
BILLINA
What, you think I’m a cannibal? How rude. I’ll settle for my usual bugs if you don’t mind.
DOROTHY
Oh. How… tasty.
BILLINA
Some excellent ones in the sand here. Fat red ants, sand bugs… might be lucky and find a crab!
DOROTHY
Ok, we can agree on the crabs then.
BILLINA
Ouch!
DOROTHY
What? Did an ant bite you back?
BILLINA
No. I dented my beak on this bit of metal.
DOROTHY
Metal? Let me see.
She goes over and picks it up.
DOROTHY (cont’d)
It’s an old key. I wonder where this came from?
BILLINA
The ocean I expect.
DOROTHY
(sarcastic)
You think?
(she turns the key in her hand)
What’s this design on the hilt? Looks like letters… ‘E’… ‘V’. Ev?
BILLINA
You know it?
DOROTHY
Sounds familiar. It’s a place I think… somewhere near Oz.
BILLINA
Oz? What’s Oz?
DOROTHY
Well it’s… Billina, can you see that writing in the sand over there?
BILLINA
(reading)
‘Beware the Wheelers’.
EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE – FLASHBACK
SCARECROW (V.O.)
Oh yes, we know all about the Wheelers.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
I wish I had at the time! Cause we made our way inland, found these trees with these lunch boxes and dinner pails and things and —
OZMA (V.O.)
And you picked one, right?
DOROTHY (V.O.)
Sure did. And that got the Wheelers’ attention.
OZMA (V.O.)
Yeah. Rookie mistake that.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
So I did what all farm girls and their pet chickens would do when chased by screeching creatures on wheels. We got the heck out of there.
Dorothy and Billina rush up to the cave entrance. The Wheelers screech in the distance behind them.
DOROTHY
I only wanted some lunch!
BILLINA
And look where that got us! I said you should have eaten some bugs.
DOROTHY
At least their wheels mean they can’t follow us up these rocks.
BILLINA
I wouldn’t count on that.
DOROTHY
This way… wait not this way. It’s a dead end!
BILLINA
No it’s not! Look! It’s a door!
DOROTHY
It’s a stone wall.
BILLINA
No, look, it’s got a hinge!
DOROTHY
There’s no door handle!
BILLINA
There’s a key hole!
DOROTHY
So there is.
BILLINA
Try the key, Dorothy! The one you found on the beach, remember?
DOROTHY
I’m doing it, I’m doing it, don’t rush me!
She puts the key in the lock and rushes inside.
INT. CAVE – FLASHBACK
Echoey, dungeon-like. The door slams.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
We hid in the cave to get away from the Wheelers, only to discover … we weren’t alone.
BILLINA
Why it’s a man! A man made out of copper!
DOROTHY
(reading)
‘Smith and Tinker’s Patent Double-Action, Extra-Responsive, Thought-Creating, Perfect-Talking Mechanical Man. Fitted with our special clockwork attachment. Thinks, speaks, acts and does everything but live.’
BILLINA
That’s bizarre. You think it’s true?
DOROTHY
It’s got instructions.
(reading)
‘For thinking, wind the clockwork man under his left arm. For speaking, wind under his right arm. For walking and action, wind the clockwork in the middle of his back. Note: this mechanism is guaranteed to work perfectly for a thousand years.’
BILLINA
Oh, they always say that, but you never believe them. Go on, wind him up.
DOROTHY (V.O.)
So I did. And before long the mechanical man was introducing himself.
TIK-TOK
Good morning, little girl. Good morning Mrs Hen. Thank you for rescuing me. My name is Tik-Tok.
DOROTHY
How did you get like this?
TIK-TOK
Evoldo, the King of Ev, locked me away in here. I fear he has gone mad.
BILLINA
Well we all have our bad days.
TIK-TOK
No, you do not understand Mrs Hen. After he sold his family to the Nome King, he has become stricken with guilt.
BILLINA
He sold his family?
TIK-TOK
He was promised a long life in exchange for theirs. But now he regrets his action.
DOROTHY
So he locked you up? That makes no sense.
TIK-TOK
As I said, the King is mad. When I found myself imprisoned, I shouted for help until my voice ran down. Then I walked back and forth in this little cave until my action ran down. Then I stood still and thought until my thinking ran down. After that I remember nothing until you wound me up again.
EXT. DINNER PAIL FIELD – FLASHBACK
DOROTHY (V.O.)
Now we had some backup, the three of us started planning how we would get out of the cave and past the Wheelers. It was about then that Tik-Tok revealed he’s been programmed with some killer fightin’ skills!
Tik-Tok does battle with the Wheelers who howl in pain.
TIK-TOK
Who sent you to protect the lunch-pail trees?
WHEELER 1
Langwidere! It was Princess Langwidere!
DOROTHY
Who?
OZMA (V.O.)
You didn’t think maybe you’d want to, I dunno, have your own adventure instead of just copying ours?
DOROTHY (V.O.)
I had my adventure first, Princess. Who’s copying who? So we asked the Wheelers to take us to Langwidere to see what was going on. Originally she was happy to see us. She had her Number 12 head on at that point.
INT. EV CASTLE HALL – FLASHBACK
Dorothy, Billina and Tik-Tok stand before Langwidere’s throne. Langwidere is doing baby-talk.
LANGWIDERE
Awww, look at the little girl and the itty bitty cutsy wootsy chicken. Oh aren’t you the prettiest little things ever. Oh aren’t you the most gorgeous.
NANDA
I… apologise for her Highness. It’s her Number 12 head.
LANGWIDERE
You’re so cute! You’re! So! Cute!
NANDA
It’s not usually much use for anything.
DOROTHY
I… can see that.
NANDA
My Lady, I think you need to put a different head on now. My Lady?
LANGWIDERE
Oh? Oh of course I will. Don’t you two go away you little snookums!
Langwidere exits.
BILLINA
I’m sorry… she’s putting another head on?
TIK-TOK
It is a talent unique to the Princess Langwidere.
NANDA
(earnestly, whispering)
Look, while she’s gone… you have to go. Now. While you still can.
DOROTHY
What do you mean?
NANDA
Before things get bad for you. Things are always bad here. For goodness sake, just leave!
BILLINA
We can’t go, those Wheelers keep trying to hurt us.
NANDA
The Wheelers are useless, they can’t harm anyone. They’re just a symptom of how far Ev has fallen since the King died. Nobody’s giving them proper orders anymore, so they’re just running wild and blaming the Princess — for good reason. Quickly, if you’re still here when she comes back she’ll —
Langwidere re-enters, now with the Number 17 head she was wearing in the previous episode. She’s angry, aggressive and generally villainous.
LANGWIDERE
Nanda, do shut up, there’s a dear. Now what’s all this?
BILLINA
Wait a moment, that’s a different person.
TIK-TOK
No. It is Princess Langwidere. She has a different head.
NANDA
(worried)
My Lady? You… you chose the Number 17 head? No, why did you do that??
LANGWIDERE
(to Dorothy)
Oh. Sigh. I thought someone of importance had called.
DOROTHY
What? Excuse me, I’m pretty damn important, if you don’t mind.
LANGWIDERE
Stop, stop! How dare you annoy me with your senseless chatter?
DOROTHY
Huh?
BILLINA
Well excuse us for breathing!
DOROTHY
Your Highness, we wanted to talk to you about those Wheeler things.
TIK-TOK
They have been attacking people in the lunch pail fields
LANGWIDERE
Didn’t my uncle lock you away somewhere for good, Tik-Tok?
DOROTHY
I’m sorry, but we just want to —
LANGWIDERE
Excuse me, are you of royal blood?
DOROTHY
Ah, no. I’m from Butterfield, Kansas.
LANGWIDERE
Then what gives you the right to even speak to me? You’re a foolish child, and I cannot allow you to annoy me any further. Run away, you little goose, and bother someone else.
DOROTHY
Goose? Seriously?
BILLINA
You got something against geese?
DOROTHY
I’m sorry if we have somehow offended you by our presence, but I feel that you’re really pushing the —
LANGWIDERE
Come closer.
DOROTHY
What?
LANGWIDERE
You heard me. Come over here so I can examine you more clearly.
Dorothy approaches Langwidere. Then gasps as Langwidere grabs her face to examine it.
DOROTHY
Ow!
LANGWIDERE
You are rather attractive. Not at all beautiful, you understand, but you have a certain style of prettiness that is different from that of any of my thirty heads.
NANDA
My Lady, please, stop this. Let the girl go.
LANGWIDERE
Nanda, get out. You’re fired.
NANDA
What?
LANGWIDERE
Leave Castle Ev at once. I am discussing important things with this girl.
DOROTHY
(breaking away)
Let go of my chin!
LANGWIDERE
I believe I shall take your head and give you Number 26 for it.
DOROTHY
Uh, I believe you won’t!
LANGWIDERE
It will do you no good to refuse, girl. I need your head in my collection, and in the Land of Ev, my will is law. I’ve never cared much for Number 26, and you’ll find it’s hardly worn.
DOROTHY
(to the others)
Can you believe this?
LANGWIDERE
It will do you just as well as the one you’re wearing, for all practical purposes.
DOROTHY
I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, lady, and I don’t want to. But you are not taking my head!
LANGWIDERE
You refuse?!
DOROTHY
Duh!
LANGWIDERE
How dare you. Well then you shall be locked up in the tower until you decide to obey me. Guards! Where are my guards!
BILLINA
Dorothy, I think she’s serious.
DOROTHY
You’d better bring a lot of them. I’ve killed two wicked witches, I’m not going down without a fight!
The guards enter the room.
LANGWIDERE
Carry that girl to the North Tower and lock her up!
The guards advance on Dorothy.
NANDA
No, stop this. Don’t follow her orders, stop it!
LANGWIDERE
Nanda, I told you to get out.
Tik-Tok whirrs into action.
TIK-TOK
You will not take Dorothy.
He starts to punch and fight with the guards, who go down easily. Then he stops.
DOROTHY
Tik-Tok?
TIK-TOK
Oh dear. My action has run down.
BILLINA
You couldn’t have picked a better time to do that?!
TIK-TOK
Wind me up, quickly!
LANGWIDERE
(laughing)
You always were a rubbish robot. Take her away.
They grab Dorothy and start dragging her kicking and screaming out of the room.
DOROTHY
No you don’t — let go of me! Let go!
LANGWIDERE
Leave the clockwork man. People will think I have a new statue.
TIK-TOK
Wind me up and release Miss Gale immediately. I warn you, you would not like to…
Tik-Tok’s voice winds down.
LANGWIDERE
That shut him up!
BILLINA
Let Dorothy go!
She flies at Langwidere, who bashes her aside.
LANGWIDERE
Get rid of the bird too. Put her in the chicken house, I’ll have her for breakfast!
The chaos continues as the guards drag everyone away.
INT. EV CASTLE HALL – DAY
Back to the present. Dorothy concludes her story.
DOROTHY
And that’s where I’ve been for the last few days. Then earlier this morning I looked out the window and saw a familiar face among the crowds outside.
LION
It was me.
DOROTHY
Yes, I know it was you, Lion, I was being dramatic. And well, you all know the rest.
OZMA
I see you’ve had a… a trying time. You must be eager to get back to your home, of course.
TIN WOODMAN
She’s always eager to go back home.
SCARECROW
It’s like her default state of existence.
LION
It’s what she does.
DOROTHY
Hey!
SCARECROW
Sorry.
DOROTHY
Mister ‘let me tell you about this idea I just had — but I don’t have a brain’ every ten minutes!
OZMA
Do we know how we can get Dorothy back to Kansas?
DOROTHY
I’m not going anywhere. Not until I’ve sorted out Princess Langwidere.
LION
Oh, I remember this. She’s gonna rip her balls off!
DOROTHY
You know me too well, Lion. I’m going to rip more than her balls off, I’m going to rip her f–
Langwidere enters with Tik-Tok wearing yet another head. She is now calm, mature and exceedingly polite.
LANGWIDERE
My dear, while I understand your frustrations, there is no need to use quite such strong language. Let us all keep cool heads.
DOROTHY
I’ll give you a cool head —
TIN WOODMAN
Speaking of heads..?
BILLINA
Langwidere has lots of heads, how many times do we have to say it?
SCARECROW
Right now I’m doing all I can to keep up.
LANGWIDERE
I apologise for all the confusion and for my behaviour these past few days. Now I’m wearing my Number 6 head, let us converse civilly and politely.
DOROTHY
You don’t get off that easy, I’m afraid. You locked me up for days!
OZMA
Dorothy, I believe she’s apologised.
DOROTHY
So what?
OZMA
So, it was a different head at the time. And we have more pressing issues to attend to.
TIN WOODMAN
And maybe it’s worth attending to them while she has a reasonable head on?
(quieter)
Before she goes and gets another insane one and we have to lop it off. Again.
OZMA
Your Highness, I don’t know if you’re aware, but there’s a mob of people outside your castle. They want to raise some concerns with how you’re ruling your kingdom.
LANGWIDERE
Oh, pay no attention to them. The people are always complaining about something.
LION
This is more than complaining, your people are angry.
OZMA
We want to help you, Langwidere. Before this escalates into something bigger.
There’s a bang on the door — heavy and violent. Angry voices can be heard from outside.
BILLINA
You mean like that?
LANGWIDERE
(shouting)
Please leave us in peace!
NANDA
(outside)
Let us in, Langwidere! You can’t hide from us forever!
DOROTHY
Yeah, they’re not sounding very happy.
LANGWIDERE
Nanda? That’s Nanda. I thought she worked for me?
TIK-TOK
I believe you fired her while wearing your Number 17 head, my Lady.
LANGWIDERE
That head is more trouble than it’s worth, some days.
OZMA
Langwidere, don’t let them in.
DOROTHY
Yeah, good advice there, Princess.
LION
I was talking to them before, and they’re not happy. Sorta revolutionary if you know what I mean.
SCARECROW
Princess, I’ve had some experience dealing with revolutionary townspeople, let me —
NANDA
(outside)
We, the people of Ev, demand you step down from the throne at once and transfer all authority to the new Republic of Ev.
LANGWIDERE
Republic?!
NANDA
(outside)
Otherwise we will enter by force and take the throne from you!
DOROTHY
Well, easy solution presents itself I think. Langwidere, if you’ll just give yourself up —
OZMA
Dorothy, please, stop it.
DOROTHY
Did she lock you up? I don’t think so.
OZMA
Langwidere, how did this happen? How could you let your kingdom get this bad?
LANGWIDERE
(distressed)
I don’t know, I honestly don’t know! Oh, this head is not designed to deal with trauma — that’s why I had the Number 17 head on, it’s much more capable to cope with stress.
BILLINA
Because it’s insane.
OZMA
Have you tried to speak with your people? Listen to their grievances?
SCARECROW
Yes, do you even know why they’re unhappy?
LANGWIDERE
Well they’re just the people, aren’t they? Aren’t people supposed to be unhappy?
TIN WOODMAN
Not as a rule, no.
DOROTHY
Did you try the ‘let them eat cake’ line? That usually goes over well.
LANGWIDERE
Look, I didn’t want this job, you know. I didn’t ask to be in charge, I was just the only one left! Uncle Evoldo should be dealing with this.
TIK-TOK
King Evoldo is dead.
LANGWIDERE
That’s not my fault either! He killed himself!
OZMA
Oh my.
SCARECROW
And you were next in line?
LANGWIDERE
No, that’s cousin Evring. And then his sister — but they all got kidnapped, didn’t they!
LION
By the Nome King?
LANGWIDERE
Yes! And that’s why I asked for help! Why I sent the call to Oz! I need someone to rescue my family from the Nomes so that they can take over ruling and I can go back to just being a princess! Styling my hair, trading my heads and having a marvellous time! But it’s all gone wrong, everyone’s upset and the people have turned so nasty!
The people start banging on the doors.
DOROTHY
You’re not kidding.
SCARECROW
Oooh, a siege in a palace throne room — doesn’t that make you guys all nostalgic.
LION
No. I missed that adventure, remember!
SCARECROW
I meant when we were under siege and we chased the Wizard away, remember!
LION
Oh yeah…
LANGWIDERE
You… chased the Wizard away?
TIN WOODMAN
We’re not as useless as we might appear.
SCARECROW
Well, not quite as useless.
LION
We get there in the end.
LANGWIDERE
Then can you sort out these revolting people then?
OZMA
You can start by not calling them revolting.
LANGWIDERE
Well, what would you call them?
DOROTHY
Freedom fighters? The saner ones in this city?
SCARECROW
Dorothy —
DOROTHY
Look, I can’t be the only one here who thinks we ought to let the people have her? She’s clearly unstable, and she’s admitted she doesn’t want to be a queen. So Princess, you step down, go back to doing whatever you want, let the people run the country. There, easy solved.
LANGWIDERE
And what about my family?
DOROTHY
Well…
OZMA
You don’t have an answer for that, do you?
(to Langwidere)
Langwidere, of course we will help you as best we can. But the first thing we need to do is calm the people of Ev.
BILLINA
I think that’s going to be a bigger challenge than you realise, my girl.
OZMA
Why do you say that?
BILLINA
Cause that door is about to burst open.
TIN WOODMAN
Uh oh.
SCARECROW
Shut up.
TIN WOODMAN
What?
SCARECROW
Sorry. Habit.
TIK-TOK
Billina, back away from the door!
The door bursts open and the angry villagers rush in, Nanda at their head.
NANDA
Arrest the queen! Arrest Princess Langwidere!
LANGWIDERE
Well which is it, am I a princess or am I a queen — ouch! You’re hurting me! Nanda, how could you!
NANDA
That’s right, tie her up. We can’t have her escape. Get hold of the clockwork man too.
TIK-TOK
Unhand me or I shall be forced to take violent —
Tik-Tok starts to whir as his gears grind.
TIK-TOK (cont’d)
Replace my key! Replace my key!
NANDA
We know all about your action and your thinking mechanisms, Tik-Tok. We’ll keep your brain and your speech going cause we need you to give evidence, but for the time being you’re stuck.
TIN WOODMAN
Evidence? For what?
NANDA
For Langwidere’s trial of course. For crimes against the people of Ev. You are to be tried and executed for what you’ve done.
LANGWIDERE
Executed? Me?! But I’m innocent, I’ve done nothing!
DOROTHY
Ahem!
NANDA
That is for the jury to decide. But I think you’ll find they’ll be of one mind, you… you —
OZMA
Excuse me, may I —
NANDA
No. I’m sorry you have been caught up in this, but you’re not from Ev. You have no business here.
SCARECROW
We’re from Oz, and we have dip… diplo…
TIN WOODMAN
Diplomatic immunity.
SCARECROW
Yeah, what he said.
LION
We’re kings and queens you know, if you hurt us it’ll be a declaration of war against Oz.
NANDA
We have no intention of harming you. But we can’t have you getting in the way of our justice.
(to the group)
Take anyone who isn’t from Ev and lock them away. We’ll let them out when this is all over.
DOROTHY
Oh now wait a minute —
BILLINA
You’re not locking me away, young lady!
SCARECROW
Ozma, do something!
They all shout as they’re led away.
LANGWIDERE
Nanda, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fire you. I promise, it was the head talking —
NANDA
Save it, Langwidere. It’s too little too late. This country has been ruled by this insane family for long enough. Assemble the jury! The Trial of the House of Ev will begin!
INT. TOWER
The door slams shut. Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Woodman, Lion, Ozma and Billina are shut away. A momentary pause.
SCARECROW
Well. This is cosy.
DOROTHY
I was out of here for fifteen whole minutes then wham. Back in the cell again.
BILLINA
At least you’ve got company this time.
LION
Could you think of any better company than us, Dorothy?
DOROTHY
Someone who could actually save us, perhaps?
TIN WOODMAN
Ah, yes, I forgot how bitchy you can be when you’re under pressure.
DOROTHY
Sorry. I just… I’m fed up with being locked up, if you know what I mean.
OZMA
Nobody likes being locked up. But look on the bright side.
DOROTHY
Oh?
OZMA
They didn’t execute us! See, it could have gone a lot worse.
SCARECROW
See, Dorothy!
DOROTHY
Your positivity sickens me, Scarecrow.
SCARECROW
Nothing’s changed there, then.
OZMA
We should turn our thoughts to escape though. Does anyone know how to pick locks?
DOROTHY
You can’t access the lock from this side of the door, Princess. It’s a cell. You know. Designed to keep people in!
BILLINA
Why do we need to escape?
OZMA
Because isn’t that what one does when one is imprisoned? One escapes? I don’t know, I haven’t been locked up that often.
DOROTHY
You surprise me.
BILLINA
What I mean is, they said they don’t want to hurt us. We’ve got nothing to do with their local squabbles, they’ll let us go once they finish with… with…
TIN WOODMAN
Yes. When they’ve finished with Langwidere.
Pause.
DOROTHY
Do you think they’ll cut her head off? Wonder how many times they’ll give that a go before they work it out?
SCARECROW
Dorothy.
DOROTHY
Excuse me if I refuse to have any pity for the bitch who locked me up the moment I got here.
OZMA
We can’t let the people of Ev kill their queen.
DOROTHY
Why not?
OZMA
Well, it sets a precedent for one thing. Besides, it’s wrong to kill people.
DOROTHY
Ethics and the ethical treatment of monarchs, by Ozma of Oz.
TIN WOODMAN
What, is she wrong?
DOROTHY
No, she’s not wrong she’s… look, does it even matter? We can’t do anything from in here anyway, can we? Even if we could get out, they won’t listen to us.
LION
They said they were giving her a trial. We could speak on her behalf.
DOROTHY
Get with it, Lion. They’re never giving her a fair hearing. It’ll be a show trial just to say they did it, and then they’ll finish her off whichever way they like.
BILLINA
They do seem very much out for blood.
SCARECROW
Maybe they don’t realise she’s got a nice head on now?
OZMA
I don’t think they realise a lot of things, and it’s up to us to help them.
DOROTHY
Come on, you —
OZMA
She asked me for help, Dorothy. I’m not going to just leave her to her fate.
DOROTHY
And how are you going to do that?
OZMA
Well, first thing is to get out of this cell. Let’s have a look at this door.
DOROTHY
It’s solid you know. No lock. Only way you’re getting through that thing is with —
SCARECROW
Magic!
OZMA
Correct. Stand back.
She puts her hand on the door and starts generating a spell.
DOROTHY
Wait, she’s a witch queen?
TIN WOODMAN
Fairy Princess, technically.
DOROTHY
Is she a good witch or a bad witch?
OZMA
Shh, I’m trying to concentrate.
She keeps trying to push through.
SCARECROW
Is it working?
LION
I don’t know, I can’t see.
BILLINA
Ozma, look out! Your hands, they’re going right through the —
Ozma gasps and tumbles forward.
INT. CASTLE CORRIDOR
Ozma continues falling to the floor — she’s gone through the door itself. The rest of the characters are muffled.
OZMA
Holy Lurline…
OZMA (V.O.)
Not quite what I meant to happen. I was trying to make the door vanish. Instead I just made it momentarily intangible. And I fell through it into the corridor outside.
SCARECROW
(shouting through the door)
Ozma? Are you out there?
OZMA
Yes, Scarecrow, I’m here. Grazed my knee.
DOROTHY
(outside)
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, Princess. Hurry up and let us out.
OZMA
All right, give me a second…
TIN WOODMAN
(outside)
How long does it take to open a door?
OZMA
Look, you… Damn.
LION
(outside)
What?
OZMA
No key.
DOROTHY
(outside)
What did you say?
OZMA
I said there’s no key. No key in the lock. I can’t unlock the door.
DOROTHY
(outside)
Well do that magic thing you did again.
OZMA
There’s no time. I have to see what I can do for Langwidere.
DOROTHY
(outside)
Don’t you dare leave us here!
OZMA
You’ll be safe for the time being. Langwidere won’t have much time — I’ll be back as soon as I can!
She rushes off down the corridor.
DOROTHY
(outside)
Ozma! Ozma, let us out! Ozma! Can you believe her?
SCARECROW
(outside)
She has more important things to do right now. And we’ll be fine.
BILLINA
(outside)
We will?
SCARECROW
(outside)
Yup. Cause I have an idea.
TIN WOODMAN
(outside)
Uh oh.
SCARECROW
(outside)
Shut up.
INT. EV CASTLE HALL
The ‘trial’ is in progress. Tik-Tok is giving evidence before Langwidere, Nanda and the people of Ev.
TIK-TOK
… our Lady unfortunately inherited a kingdom in disarray. From a predecessor who was insane, as evidenced by his tragic suicide. In the absence of his wife and children, it fell to the only remaining member of the royal family —
Nanda has been loudly yawning.
TIK-TOK (cont’d)
Am I boring you, Miss Nanda?
NANDA
Yes, yes you are quite frankly. Are you done yet?
TIK-TOK
You asked me to give evidence as to the circumstances as to Princess Langwidere’s position —
NANDA
Yes, but I didn’t expect it was going to be so boring.
LANGWIDERE
Pay no attention to her, Tik-Tok. Nanda has no interest whatsoever in giving me a fair trial. This is personal because I accidentally fired her the other day. She’s already made up her mind. She’s playing with us.
NANDA
You’re right. I have. And I think we’ve pushed this as far as I can be bothered, don’t you agree?
The crowd murmurs their agreement.
LANGWIDERE
It’s a shame I didn’t choose my Number 23 head. She’s quite fond of fire.
NANDA
And that is why you cannot be our queen. You’re not human. You’re not… we don’t even know what you are. You have thirty heads and you change them around according to your whim. Do any of us know what you really look like, Langwidere? Dare you show us your true face? No. How long before you want to expand your grotesque collection? When will you come for our heads?
The crowd voices their concerns.
OZMA
(entering)
I’m not sure that’s something you should be worried about. I mean have you seen a mirror lately?
NANDA
I thought we locked her up?
OZMA
I’m Ozma, Princess of Oz. I don’t do prisons. You need to let Langwidere go.
NANDA
We don’t have to do anything. You have no power here, Ozma. Go back to Oz.
OZMA
I can’t do that. Your princess asked for my help, because she knew that she couldn’t cope with ruling on her own, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
(pause)
And isn’t that a sign of a good queen? One who can identify her weaknesses and ask for help?
NANDA
A good queen is one who doesn’t change her head every single day.
OZMA
She’s got a point, Langwidere, the head thing is a bit creepy.
LANGWIDERE
I’m so glad you’re helping me.
OZMA
Look, Nanda. Indulge me. When you kill off your princess, what will you do then?
NANDA
Establish a republic. The Republic of Ev!
The crowd cheers.
OZMA
Great, and who will rule your republic? You? You gonna elect a president or something?
NANDA
We will act as a general collective. Everyone having a voice!
OZMA
(laughing)
Oh you’re not serious, right? That never works. Not in any civilisation, the people start fighting amongst themselves and you end up having another revolution. You’d be better off keeping Langwidere, to be honest with you.
NANDA
No. Keep that ghoul on the throne? Forget it. The things she’s done since she took power… you haven’t lived here, Princess Ozma, you don’t know. But I have. I’ve seen!
OZMA
What if she agreed to only wear her original head?
LANGWIDERE
(gasp)
Ozma! Please stop helping me!
OZMA
Shh!
NANDA
I think we all know that’s not enough. She’s a terrible queen.
OZMA
And let’s be honest, she agrees with you. She doesn’t want to be in charge either, am I right Langwidere?
LANGWIDERE
Yes. Yes, you’re right. I hate being queen.
OZMA
See? So what’s the point of all this posturing and threatening to kill everyone? Let’s just agree to let her step down and everyone’s happy?
NANDA
If Langwidere lives, how do we know she won’t try to seize power again?
OZMA
Right now you have a gaping vacuum of power, so I do see your point. Who do you want to be in charge? If you could pick anyone?
NANDA
We —
OZMA
If you suggest a people’s collective again, I’m going to laugh at you.
NANDA
Then…
She’s lost for ideas.
OZMA
Some revolution this is going to be. Look, Nanda, keep Langwidere in charge for a bit longer, I’m sure she’ll get better at it over time.
LANGWIDERE
No, I won’t. I really won’t.
OZMA
She can hardly be worse than her uncle. You know, the crazy one who threw himself into the sea.
NANDA
King Evoldo was sick. Everyone knew it was his wife who really controlled things.
OZMA
Why didn’t you have this uprising when he was in charge, then?
NANDA
Because the Queen made things work! And eventually his son would take over and it wouldn’t matter. But now they’re gone, and we cannot bear this insane family ruling us any longer.
LANGWIDERE
Charming.
OZMA
Then let’s get them back.
NANDA
What?
OZMA
The queen and her kids. They’re still alive, aren’t they?
NANDA
I don’t know, they —
TIK-TOK
Yes, they are alive. The Nome King has them prisoner, but as part of the terms of sale, he was to keep them alive.
OZMA
Terms of sale…? Nevermind. Nanda, I have a suggestion for you and your people. It’s radical, but here it is. Go rescue your Queen and prince and princess!
NANDA
From the Nome King? Are they all this crazy in Oz?
OZMA
What’s so crazy about it?
NANDA
You know how powerful he is? He’s got magic — deep magic. And an army of Nomes that live underground that total in the thousands.
OZMA
Well nobody’s saying go and conquer him. Just go there and extract his prisoners.
NANDA
Once you’re captured by the Nome King, you’re never getting out. Not unless he wants you to.
OZMA
Then we need to convince him to let them go. Ok. I’ll do it.
NANDA
What?
TIK-TOK
Please explain.
OZMA
If you promise not to hurt Princess Langwidere, then my friends and I will travel to the Nome King and negotiate the release of the Queen and her children.
LANGWIDERE
You will? You’ll rescue my family?
OZMA
I’m sure the Nome King is a reasonable man. Once I tell him how much they’re needed back here in Ev.
NANDA
The Nome King? Reasonable? What are you on, lady?
OZMA
Oi. That’s your Highness, thank you. And I will only do this if you promise not to hurt Langwidere. If she dies then your government can collapse for all I care.
NANDA
You really think you can negotiate with the Nome King?
OZMA
From one monarch to another, why not?
Pause
NANDA
Fine. You got a deal, your majesty. You’ve got seven days to travel to the Nome King’s mountain and bring back the royal family. If you bring them back alive, and they can rule instead of this… whatever she is —
LANGWIDERE
Hey!
NANDA
— then we’ll spare her life. She can go back to doing whatever she does with her time.
OZMA
Excellent.
NANDA
But if after seven days you don’t come back, then her life is forfeit. And we will manage our country our own way.
OZMA
Sounds good to me. Well, no, doesn’t sound good, but… you know what I mean.
NANDA
Not so far.
OZMA
I’m ok with that. Could someone release my friends please? I’m sure they’re getting pretty agitated in that cell by now. Oh, and could you also wind up Tik-Tok again? I’d like him to come with us to guide us through Ev.
NANDA
Done.
OZMA
Thank you. You don’t need to worry you know. My friends and I are the best kind of people. Your country is safe with us.
INT. CASTLE CORRIDOR
A guard opens the cell door. Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, the Lion and Billina file out.
DOROTHY
Oh it’s about time.
SCARECROW
Freedom! I never thought we’d be free again!
TIN WOODMAN
We were locked up for an hour.
SCARECROW
It was a very long hour.
BILLINA
I wonder what Ozma did to get us released?
LION
Probably something royal. She does royal things you know, people respect that.
BILLINA
Do they now…
They head off, leaving Dorothy trailing behind.
DOROTHY
I wonder what she did do to get us out? I hope it’s nothing awful.
(pause)
What? You’ve been nattering in my ear for days, and now you’re silent?
WITCH
Well I could hardly talk to you while the others were in the cell could I? Like they need to know you’re any more crazy than you are.
DOROTHY
I don’t know if I trust this Ozma. I get the feeling she’s landed us into hotter water than we started in.
WITCH
She’s not lived up to the potential I imagined for her long ago, you’re right. But still, we’ll deal with that in due time. After all, Miss Gale, you’ve got me by your side. With the Wicked Witch of the West to guide you, you’ll never go wrong.
The Witch chuckles.
CLOSING CREDITS