Episode 1 Script – Ozma of Oz

Episode One

EXT. CLIFFTOP – NIGHT

The wind howls. Rain pours. Far below the cliff the ocean crashes and lets out its rage. It’s the most dramatic of dramatic storms you can imagine.

KING EVOLDO staggers up the path. He’s old, he’s tired and is muttering to himself, incoherently. He approaches the edge of the cliff and yells into the wind.

KING EVOLDO

Are you happy now! Are you glad that you’ve taken everything! Take it all from me, I deserve it! Here! Take my golden key too!

He throws a key off the cliff and it spins away into the night.

From behind him approaches NANDA, the King’s dutiful servant. She’s also highly emotional.

NANDA

King Evoldo! My Lord, please come back from the edge!

KING EVOLDO

Nanda?

NANDA

Please, my Lord!

KING EVOLDO

I can’t do it any more, Nanda. I can’t go on.

NANDA

You must. For the sake of the kingdom. Ev needs you.

KING EVOLDO

I have failed Ev.

NANDA

No, you haven’t —

KING EVOLDO

I have failed Ev, I have failed my family, and now I must pay for my failures. In blood.

NANDA

No!

KING EVOLDO

Stop trying to stop me, Nanda.

NANDA

Ending your life will not bring them back. And if they were ever to return, they would be too distraught to —

KING EVOLDO

They will never come back to Ev. My family is gone. Forever. They are the prisoners of the Nome King, and it’s… it’s all my fault.

He breaks down.

NANDA

I… I know, my Lord. But —

KING EVOLDO

The only way I can appease my guilt is to end my life. It’s more than I deserve.

NANDA

(desperate)

And then who will rule in your place? What will become of the land of Ev?

KING EVOLDO

(faltering)

I…

NANDA

The only one left is Langwidere. And you know what she will do to Ev if she takes the throne.

KING EVOLDO

(new resolve)

That is no longer my concern.

NANDA

Have you no concern for your people, my Lord?

KING EVOLDO

How can I have any concern for my people when I had none for my family? Huh?

(Pause. Nanda has no answer)

Goodbye, Nanda.

NANDA

No stop, I’m begging you, don’t do this!

KING EVOLDO

Pray for my soul. For I am certain it is destined for eternal damnation!

NANDA

My Lord! My Lord, no!!!!

King Evoldo leaps into the air and into the sea. He screams all the way down.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. THRONE ROOM

Ozma starts one of her voice overs.

OZMA (V.O.)

Once upon a time, when the world was freshly made and sparkling new, there lived a troupe of powerful fairies that travelled the Earth spreading their magic and doing good. And the leader of the fairies was Queen Lurline.

One day, as the fairies explored the great continent of Nonestica, they found themselves crossing a great desert. So vast were the shifting sands that they soon grew weary, for even fairies must rest from time to time. But to the fairies’ dismay, they found that they could not land, for the sands had been bewitched by Nomes and would turn anyone to dust who would dare to set foot on them.

But Queen Lurline was not one to be defeated. She created a single emerald jewel from the air and planted it on the deadly sand. And from that one seed a magical country grew, with trees and mountains and magics and wonders of all colours of the rainbow. She declared the land a fairyland (as fairies are wont to do) and her group were able to rest a while, and bask in its marvellousness.

But the fairies soon grew bored and expressed a desire to continue on their way. So Queen Lurline, not wishing to abandon the magic land entirely, left one fairy to care for it. A baby fairy who was called Ozma. And she named the land ‘Oz’ in the baby’s honour.

And so the band of fairies flew away, leaving Ozma — later known as Ozma the First — to build the foundations of the marvellous land of Oz.

OMBY AMBY

And what are you going to do, Princess Ozma?

Hard cut to the Throne Room proper, where Ozma and OMBY AMBY are having an animated discussion. JACK PUMPKINHEAD is in front of them, attempting to hang a large painting.

OZMA

A little to the left please, Jack.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Ok, Dad.

OMBY AMBY

Your Highness —

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Dad, which way is —

OZMA

Left is still that way.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Thank you.

OMBY AMBY

Your Highness, I asked you a question.

OZMA

Did you? Oh yes. Well I’ll be trying not to fall out of my chariot, naturally. Making sure my tiara sits properly, practising my wave —

OMBY AMBY

That’s not what I mean —

OZMA

I’ll be performing the duties all monarchs are supposed to perform. Just, you know, further afield.

(a beat)

Ok, Jack, now you’re too far left, go the other way.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Sorry Dad.

OZMA

It’s ok, Jack.

OMBY AMBY

But you have duties here. In Oz. In the Emerald City. And I don’t mean directing your Pumpkinhead to hang a picture.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

It’s a very important picture, Mr Amby!

OMBY AMBY

It’s a thoroughly unimportant picture, and your Highness —

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

It’s a magic picture!

OZMA

Well, not yet, but it will be. Concentrate, Jack, you’re hanging it crooked.

OMBY AMBY

My Lady —

OZMA

Omby, I’ve done all I can for Oz right now. I’m very confident I can leave the day to day running of the country in your capable hands.

OMBY AMBY

But —

OZMA

And meanwhile our neighbours have asked for our help.

OMBY AMBY

Our neighbours can sort themselves out, quite frankly.

OZMA

Where’s your charitable spirit?

OMBY AMBY

It died a painful death the day someone from outside of Oz turned up and started killing rulers.

OZMA

She only killed the bad ones. Omby, it’s time we opened our borders. Oz has been cut off from the rest of the world for far too long. Between the Wizard’s inward-looking policies, then the dramas in Munchkinland —

OMBY AMBY

Exactly! Dramas that have not yet ceased.

OZMA

The war is long over. You saw to that personally, if I remember.

OMBY AMBY

We have yet to establish a stable government in Munchkinland, my Lady.

OZMA

Didn’t you send our best expert there to help with that?

OMBY AMBY

Yes, I did.

OZMA

And he hasn’t managed to irritate the whole population yet, has he?

OMBY AMBY

Not yet, but he’s well on his way. Did you read the latest report from the Woggle Bug?

(he pulls out a paper)

He wants to establish a new title for the role of Munchkin leader.

OZMA

Well ‘Wicked Witch of the East’ probably doesn’t poll well.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

(straining under the picture)

Dad…

OMBY AMBY

He wants to call it a ‘mayor’ instead.

OZMA

Mayor of the Munchkin City?

OMBY AMBY

In the county of the land of Oz, yes.

OZMA

I’m… sure he knows what he’s doing.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Uhhh, Dad…

OMBY AMBY

And when he inevitably proves that he doesn’t, and single handedly starts another revolution, that’s when we’re going to need our Queen.

OZMA

(correcting him)

Princess.

OMBY AMBY

Sorry, your Highness.

OZMA

I’m not queen until I’m crowned, remember.

OMBY AMBY

Pretty sure that’s not how it works, my Lady.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Daaad, I’m going to drop the painting!

OZMA

Oh, sorry Jack. Yes, that’s a good spot, let’s put it there.

OMBY AMBY

Why does he keep calling you ‘Dad’?

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Because she is my Dad!

OZMA

Don’t fight it, it’s not worth the headache. And anyway, that’s why I should definitely go to Ev.

OMBY AMBY

Because the Pumpkinhead calls you Dad?

OZMA

So I can prove I can be a monarch with some oomph in her.

(a beat)

Seriously, Omby, you’ve got the Emerald City under control, the Woggle Bug will be setting up the Munchkin government for ages, and we’re crisis-free for the first time in a year. There’s no better time for a royal tour.

OMBY AMBY

Responding to a vague distress call from across the desert. We don’t even know if it’s genuine. Nobody’s heard from the royal family of Ev for generations.

OZMA

Nobody’s heard from any of our foreign neighbours for generations, the Wizard cut off all contact.

OMBY AMBY

And what about the danger?

OZMA

What danger? Ev is just across the desert.

OMBY AMBY

The Deadly Desert. How do you propose to cross that?

OZMA

Oh, Glinda’s arranged something, it’s brilliant!

OMBY AMBY

And that’s not the only danger that could await you. What if —

OZMA

Oh, what if, what if, I hate what ifs! Anything could happen out there. That’s the point! That’s why I have to go!

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Dad! I’m done! I’ve hung your picture!

OZMA

Very good job, Jack! It looks splendid.

OMBY AMBY

It’s a painting. It’s hardly a great piece of art.

OZMA

It will be, once I’m finished with it.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

What are you going to do?

OZMA

Tap into some fairy magic. Let me concentrate.

She puts her hands on the painting, and magic builds. Ozma strains trying to manifest her power, but it drains away.

OZMA (cont’d)

Dammit!

OMBY AMBY

What were you supposed to do?

OZMA

Make it into a visual portal so I could see… it doesn’t matter, it didn’t work. I just can’t seem to access fairy magic like I should.

OMBY AMBY

Maybe you just don’t have enough power?

OZMA

Tip could do it. Sort of. When we shared a head we could do teleports and transformations and not to mention the Powder of Life —

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

But you are Tip, I thought?

OZMA

Apparently not as much as I thought I was.

OMBY AMBY

Then how can you possibly consider leaving the safety of the Emerald City? If the one advantage you have — that you’re a descendant of a fairy queen — if that isn’t working for you?

OZMA

It’ll be fine, Omby. And I’m not going alone, am I? I’ll have help!

OMBY AMBY

Oh?

There’s a crash on the other side of the nearest door.

TIN WOODMAN

(outside)

Scarecrow!

SCARECROW

(outside)

Sorry!

LION

(outside)

That statue was an antique!

TIN WOODMAN

(outside)

Ozma’s going to kill you when she sees you’ve broken it!

SCARECROW

(outside)

It’ll be fine. I’ll just put this bit up here and —

More crashing.

LION

(outside)

For Lurline’s sake, Scarecrow, stop touching it.

TIN WOODMAN

(outside)

Give it to me, I’ll fix it.

SCARECROW

(outside)

You’re such a worry wart, it’ll be — oops.

Another crash.

OZMA

See? What could possibly go wrong?

EXT. PALACE GARDENS – DAY

It’s a bright sunny day. An expectant crowd has gathered to see Ozma off on her journey. The Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Lion cross towards Ozma’s chariot.

SCARECROW

Oh look! There’s a crowd!

TIN WOODMAN

So observant.

LION

Do you think they’re here to see Princess Ozma off on her journey?

TIN WOODMAN

No, Lion, there’s a half price sale on statue repair and they don’t want to miss out.

LION

Really?

SCARECROW

I said I’d pay for the statue. Do you think Ozma was mad?

TIN WOODMAN

Ozma doesn’t get mad.

LION

Omby Amby was mad though.

TIN WOODMAN

Omby Amby was turning sixteen shades of purple.

SCARECROW

I’m used to him being irritated with me. I used to be his boss you know.

TIN WOODMAN

Yes, we know.

LION

Yes, we know.

SCARECROW

I’ve mentioned it before, have I?

LION

Once or twice.

TIN WOODMAN

An hour.

LION

You were King of Oz. We get it.

TIN WOODMAN

Move on.

SCARECROW

Fine, fine. Be like that. You see how you feel when you’re in charge of a big city.

TIN WOODMAN

We are.

LION

King of the Forest.

TIN WOODMAN

Emperor of the Winkies.

SCARECROW

Great. Rub it in. Thanks.

Pause

LION

Ozma’s taking her time.

TIN WOODMAN

You’re eager to hit the road, eh?

LION

Well it’s not like I’ve had an adventure in a while. You lot left me out of the last one.

SCARECROW

We didn’t mean to, Lion.

TIN WOODMAN

Yes, we’re so terribly sorry we didn’t include you when we were attacked by Munchkins and fleeing for our lives on a flying couch.

LION

And so you should be.

SCARECROW

But you’re here for this one! The three of us, together again! Just like the old days!

TIN WOODMAN

Only without… well you know.

LION

Yeah, it would have been nice to have Dorothy here too.

Ozma approaches, with Omby Amby.

OZMA

Well I’m afraid I can’t manage that. But you can have me, if you like.

TIN WOODMAN

Your Highness.

OZMA

Look at all those people! For me?

OMBY AMBY

Of course, my Lady.

LION

No, there’s a half-price sale on statue repair.

TIN WOODMAN

Lion!

OZMA

(to the crowd)

Hello everyone!

(to the others)

Are we all ready for an adventure?

SCARECROW

You bet!

LION

Whenever you’re ready, my Lady.

OMBY AMBY

Your Highness, please —

OZMA

Omby, for the last time, stop fussing. We. Will. Be. Fine.

OMBY AMBY

Famous last words.

SCARECROW

It’s ok, Ozma. He didn’t like me running away from the Emerald City either.

OZMA

Fussy old fusspot.

OMBY AMBY

Look, I may be a fussy old fusspot, but at least I have the well-being of the Ozian people at heart.

Jack rushes up.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Dad! Dad! You left me behind with the Magic Picture!

OZMA

Jack! You didn’t think I’d go without saying goodbye to you?

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

I wish I was going on the adventure with you.

OZMA

Well… there’s no reason why you couldn’t…

TIN WOODMAN

No!

LION

Uh-uh.

SCARECROW

Are you crazy, Ozma? You remember last time!

OZMA

Ahh… look, Jack, I really need you to stay here and look after Omby Amby. Don’t I, Omby?

OMBY AMBY

I — but he —

OZMA

Don’t I, Omby?

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Oh, Mr Amby, we’re going to have so much fun together! We’ll walk around the Palace! And see all the shops! And play quoits!

OMBY AMBY

Maybe I can leave you with Faramant.

OZMA

Whatever works, Omby.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Is this it, Dad? Is this the magic chariot you were telling me about?

OZMA

Sure is. Another one of Glinda’s little creations.

TIN WOODMAN

I was wondering how you were going to get us across the Deadly Desert without us turning into dust.

SCARECROW

I was hoping you were going to make us another flying Gump.

OZMA

Not this time, Scarecrow.

TIN WOODMAN

Is it self-driving?

OZMA

Not quite. It has to be pulled.

SCARECROW

By what?

From behind the chariot whinnies the SAWHORSE.

SCARECROW (cont’d)

Oh.

TIN WOODMAN

That thing?

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

It’s the Sawhorse!

OMBY AMBY

Oh, now I do have to object.

SCARECROW

What, don’t you like the Sawhorse, Omby?

OMBY AMBY

I had hoped we’d not be dealing with that thing again, yes.

SCARECROW

Me too, if I’m honest.

LION

It doesn’t look so bad, for a wooden horse.

SCARECROW

You didn’t have to ride it.

OZMA

Are you all going to complain like this the whole trip? We’re going to have an adventure! Let’s get excited! All aboard, gentlemen!

LION

(climbing onto the chariot)

Well I’m excited, aren’t you?

TIN WOODMAN

It’s going to be a long journey if we’re doing this by land. There’s a lot of desert between us and Ev.

SCARECROW

Well how about we sing some cheery songs to make the time go faster? I’ll start. ‘Weeeeeeeee’re OFF TO –‘

TIN WOODMAN

On second thoughts, I think should stay behind.

OZMA

Too late, we’re ready to go.

(to the crowd)

Farewell my people! We’re off to the Land of Ev to assist our royal cousins in their time of great need!

The crowd cheers.

OMBY AMBY

Good luck, your Highness!

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

Have a great time, Dad!

OZMA

Look after my city for me, you two.

(to Sawhorse)

Sawhorse! Take us away!

The Sawhorse whinnies and drags the chariot away at top speed.

LION

Holy Lurline!

SCARECROW

I told you it was fast!

LION

I wanna go home!!!!

Everyone yelps and screams as it zooms away.

JACK PUMPKINHEAD

(shouting after them)

Bye Dad! Bye Sawhorse and Scarecrow and Tin Man and Lion! Have fun!

EXT. CHARIOT

The chariot zooms through the streets, the Sawhorse clacking along ahead of it. Crowds line the streets cheering them as the royal party pass.

OZMA (V.O.)

I’ll never forget that sight, seeing the Emerald Citizens lining the streets, cheering as I went past. Waving flags, smiling like crazy. I made sure I took the time to appreciate the goodwill of the people. They love their future queen! And I waved back, smiling and happy and… well you know.

SCARECROW

They like me! They really like me?

TIN WOODMAN

They like Ozma, you idiot.

SCARECROW

Are you saying they don’t like me?

TIN WOODMAN

Shut up.

OZMA (V.O.)

So we paraded through the City streets — faster than I’d have liked, but nobody’s been able to slow that Sawhorse down yet. In due course, we passed through the great Western Gate and bade our farewells to the people of the Emerald City.

Once clear of the City, the Sawhorse was finally able to really show us his speed.

The Sawhorse takes off, double speed. The Scarecrow yelps.

LION

(panicked)

Brakes! You forgot to install the brakes!!!

Ozma giggles.

OZMA (V.O.)

We started the trek through Oz, moving north-west across Winkieland. This, of course, gave the Tin Woodman an opportunity to educate us on the finer details of his realm. Sort of.

TIN WOODMAN

That’s a yellow butterfly, it’s wings can provide —

SCARECROW

Where?

TIN WOODMAN

Back there.

SCARECROW

I missed it!

LION

We all missed it.

TIN WOODMAN

How could you miss it? It was right there!

LION

How can you see anything at this speed?

TIN WOODMAN

Well, as I was saying, its wings have magical properties and —

SCARECROW

Should we go back? So the Tin Woodman can show us the butterfly properly?

OZMA

Do you really think we should turn around just for a yellow butterfly, Scarecrow?

SCARECROW

I suppose not.

TIN WOODMAN

I can always show you on our way back.

OZMA

That sounds thrilling.

(she shakes a map in her hand)

Wait, Sawhorse! Veer left here!

TIN WOODMAN

Left?

OZMA

According to the map, if we’re aiming for the desert, we should go left. Keep going straight and we’ll be into the Oogaboo lands.

TIN WOODMAN

You don’t want to take tea with Queen Ann?

OZMA

Do I even need to dignify that with a response?

LION

What’s wrong with the Oogaboo Queen?

SCARECROW

Don’t ask.

OZMA

(shouting)

Sawhorse! I said veer left! Head towards the desert.

LION

I have a bad feeling about this desert.

TIN WOODMAN

You have a bad feeling about everything.

LION

But it’s a Deadly Desert. One touch and we turn to sand.

OZMA

We’ve thought of that.

TIN WOODMAN

Glinda’s magic, you said. But you didn’t say what, or how it’ll work.

SCARECROW

Have you ever known one of Glinda’s spells to go wrong?

LION

There’s always a first time.

OZMA

Look, there we are! Right ahead of us. Sawhorse, slow down!

(a beat)

SAWHORSE!!!

The Sawhorse piles on the brakes. The whole crew react.

LION

Whose idea was that dumb horse anyway?

SCARECROW

It’s a long story. Well, Princess Ozma? What now?

OZMA (V.O.)

I smiled, and pulled out of my pocket a small square of green carpet, no bigger than a handkerchief.

TIN WOODMAN

I’m not one to make jokes about size, Ozma, but I don’t think that’s gonna do the job.

OZMA

It’s not how big it is, it’s where you stick it. And what you whisper to it to make it grow.

TIN WOODMAN

Fine. You make the dirty jokes then.

OZMA

(whispering)

Rinky-tinky-little-pinky-woop!

The carpet square glows with magical energy

OZMA (V.O.)

To the boys’ amazement, the square shimmered and glistened with magic. It hovered in the air above my palm, then whooshed away, growing and transforming until it became a long green carpet, unrolling itself ahead of us into the Deadly Desert. It placed itself at the Sawhorse’s feet, inviting it to step aboard.

SCARECROW

Well, good work Glinda!

LION

Is it going to be long enough to stretch all the way from here to Ev?

OZMA

It’ll roll along underneath us as we go. Come on, Sawhorse, it’s ok. Step onto the magic carpet.

The Sawhorse whinnies.

LION

I don’t blame it to be honest.

OZMA

Sawhorse, come on. Just think how much you can run when you get into that open desert.

The Sawhorse whinnies again and steps forward.

OZMA (V.O.)

Tentatively, the Sawhorse took its first steps onto the magic carpet. And to everyone’s surprise, nothing happened.

SCARECROW

It worked!

TIN WOODMAN

We didn’t turn into dust!

LION

Can I open my eyes now?

Ozma giggles. The Sawhorse whinnies again in excitement and rushes away with the chariot, faster than ever.

OZMA (V.O.)

With no roads, or trees, or innocent bystanders around to get in its way, the Sawhorse was able — for the first time in its life — to run at full speed. The crazy wooden horse sped across the Deadly Desert at full pelt. And the four of us settled into the back of the chariot, laughing and enjoying the brilliant weather and the start of a new adventure.

A girl, a scarecrow, a tin man and a lion, travelling together to visit a mysterious monarch in a strange land. Sound familiar at all?

EXT. BEACH – DAY

The ocean crashes on the surf as oceans are wont to do. In the distance we hear the approach of the chariot. Soon followed by the yells and cries of the Tin Woodman.

TIN WOODMAN

Stop! Stop, Ozma! Stop the horse!

OZMA

What is it?

TIN WOODMAN

Dead ahead! Look! Water!

OZMA

Sawhorse, whoah!

The Chariot skids to a halt on the beach. Pause.

SCARECROW

That’s… a lot of water all right.

LION

I’ve never seen a lake this huge before.

OZMA

It’s not a lake, Lion. That’s… that’s the ocean.

LION

The what?

SCARECROW

No way!

TIN WOODMAN

I knew we were covering a lot of desert but, damn…

SCARECROW

I’ve never seen an ocean before.

OZMA

None of us have.

SCARECROW

I didn’t think it would be so… so big.

LION

It just goes on and on, doesn’t it.

OZMA

(shaking the map)

According to the Woggle Bug’s map, I believe this stretch of water is called ‘Baffin’s Bay’.

SCARECROW

Ahh. Hoorah for Baffin’s Bay.

TIN WOODMAN

Right.

LION

Do we… need a boat?

OZMA

No… No, we head down the beach that way. We’re on the borders of Ev. Look, up over that dune there’s grass.

SCARECROW

So we’ve crossed the desert?

OZMA

Looks like.

SCARECROW

Oh wow!

TIN WOODMAN

Can… look can we get a move on? I know it’s over there but all that water makes me nervous.

OZMA

Don’t you think we should rest for a while? We’ve come such a long way already.

TIN WOODMAN

Have I mentioned what water does to me?

OZMA

Sawhorse, would you like a break?

The Sawhorse whinnies.

SCARECROW

He’s like us, Ozma. He doesn’t need rest.

OZMA

Well I’d like a rest from the travelling. I’m starting to see things.

SCARECROW

You are?

OZMA

Yes. I thought I saw a crate or something about a mile that way down the coast.

SCARECROW

That’s not impossible. It might have fallen off a boat and washed ashore.

LION

Maybe a bird dropped it?

SCARECROW

A big bird, like a Jackdaw!

TIN WOODMAN

Does it matter? Can we just go, please?

OZMA

Fine. Sawhorse, bring us up over to the grassy hill there. Let’s put all this sand behind us.

The Sawhorse whinnies in response and drags them off.

EXT. GRASSY FIELD

The chariot moves from sand to grass and comes to a halt. Everyone climbs out of the chariot.

SCARECROW

Look, back over there! The desert stretches back almost as far as the ocean does!

LION

Imagine how quick our trip would have been if we’d had this chariot when we first met.

TIN WOODMAN

It’d be fun getting this thing over the river.

SCARECROW

We could have just jumped over it, probably. No need for that raft.

TIN WOODMAN

Don’t talk to me about that raft.

SCARECROW

I nearly drowned on that thing you know.

LION

You nearly drowned? You weren’t the one who actually got into the river.

SCARECROW

I got stuck on a pole though! Remember the pole?

TIN WOODMAN

We all remember the pole.

OZMA

But you survived.

SCARECROW

Only cause of Dorothy. Talking that Storkguard into rescuing me.

TIN WOODMAN

And then she did that thing. You know with the —

LION

With her forehead and the ‘zing!’

SCARECROW

And the Storkguard was all ‘ahhhhh!’

TIN WOODMAN

And she was all ‘Tell the Wizard I’m coming to see him!’

The three laugh at the memory. Ozma doesn’t.

OZMA

Yeah. Good old Dorothy. She sounds brilliant. Is anyone else hungry?

SCARECROW

I’m a —

OZMA

Yes, I know, you two don’t eat. Lion?

LION

I’m good, thanks.

OZMA

I think I already ate what Omby packed for us… I wonder if there’s any natural sustenance around here?

She walks off to look.

TIN WOODMAN

Natural sustenance? What’s she going to eat, berries? Ozma, wait until we get to Castle Ev.

LION

Hey, can you see that?

SCARECROW

What?

LION

Back over there on the sand. Those markings. Is it… are they words?

TIN WOODMAN

How would you even write words on a Deadly Desert?

SCARECROW

Very carefully. Lion, your eyes are better than mine —

LION

Cause they’re painted on.

SCARECROW

— cause they’re painted on, yes. You should be able to read them better than any of us.

LION

It says…

(sounding out)

Beeeee…ware… Beware the… Wheelers.

Pause

TIN WOODMAN

Well, what’s a Wheeler?

EXT. DINNER PAIL FIELD – DAY

Further away from the coastline, several trees stand in the breeze.

OZMA (V.O.)

Still hungry, I made my way further inland towards a field of strangely shaped trees, where I thought there must be some sort of natural food. I didn’t really want to meet the King of Ev with a rumbly tummy of course. No doubt he’d throw us a big banquet upon our arrival, but for now, roughing it would have to do.

The first few trees I found weren’t that interesting — cotton-wood, eucalyptus and so on. But then two large trees caught my eye. One was covered with square paper boxes, growing in clusters from every branch. Some of them were tiny and green, but there were other bigger ones, turning orange. And on the biggest and reddest of the boxes I could see the word ‘Lunch’ written, in neat raised letters.

OZMA

A lunch tree?

OZMA (V.O.)

The tree next to it was similar, only it bore tin containers with ‘dinner’ written on them, They were so full and heavy the branches bent under their weight. Both trees had leaves that were napkins.

OZMA

I have a feeling we’re not in Oz anymore…

OZMA (V.O.)

I reached up to the lunch tree — obviously it was still a bit early for dinner — and noticed a couple of snapped branches. Someone had eaten at this tree before.

OZMA

Well if I’m not the only one eating here, it must be safe right? Nothing ventured, Ozma…

She breaks off a lunch-box and opens it up.

SCARECROW

(from afar)

Ozma! Yoo-hoo! What’s a Wheeler?

OZMA

(mouth full of food)

Huh?

The Tin Woodman, Scarecrow and Lion approach.

TIN WOODMAN

Have you ever heard of a Wheeler?

OZMA

It’s like a horseless chariot thing, isn’t it? Like the Wizard tried to invent a few years ago.

LION

Well, makes sense to beware of them I guess.

OZMA

Huh?

TIN WOODMAN

Just a warning we found. What are you doing?

OZMA

Lunch.

TIN WOODMAN

Lunch?!

OZMA

From this tree, look! It’s brilliant. It’s got a ham sandwich, a bit of sponge cake, a slice of cheese and an apple. Oh, and a pickle. Anyone want a pickle?

TIN WOODMAN

You just picked a random lunch-box off a tree and started eating it?

OZMA

Well, not the pickle, no. Hate pickles.

TIN WOODMAN

You’re going to make yourself sick. How do you even know if it’s ripe?

LION

You can make yourself sick by eating green things, you know

OZMA

Of course it’s ripe! Doesn’t that look right to you? Not at all green.

(a beat)

Well, except the pickle, that has to be green. Seriously, someone take the pickle or I’m just throwing it away.

From afar is a horrid screech. Wheels rushing on stone coming closer.

WHEELER 1

(from afar)

Thieves! Thieves!

OZMA

Ok, ok, I’ll eat the pickle!

SCARECROW

I don’t like the sound of this.

TIN WOODMAN

Me neither.

LION

They’re the Wheelers!

SCARECROW

How do you know they’re the Wheelers?

LION

What else could they be?

TIN WOODMAN

We’re about to find out. Get behind me, Ozma!

Ozma scurries behind the Tin Woodman as the Wheelers rush up, screeching all the way.

WHEELER 1

Thief! Thief!

WHEELER 2

You’re thieving, thieving thieves, all of you!

SCARECROW

We are not! We haven’t stolen anything!

WHEELER 3

Have too! Have too!

OZMA (V.O.)

I peered around the Tin Woodman to get a better look at the creatures. They were like men, except they walked — well, rolled — on all fours. Their legs were the same length as their arms, so they looked like wild beasts. They wore bright embroidered clothing and straw hats and — oh yeah — they had wheels for hands and feet! I don’t mean they held on to wheels or had skates on, their arms extended down into round spinning castors that they used to quickly encircle us.

The Wheelers begin to rotate around the four of them, every time they speak coming from a different side.

TIN WOODMAN

What are we supposed to have stolen?

WHEELER 1

Don’t deny it!

WHEELER 3

You can’t deny it!

WHEELER 2

We saw you, we saw you!

TIN WOODMAN

I say again, what do you think we’ve stolen?

WHEELER 1

Not you — her!

OZMA

Me? I haven’t stolen anything either!

SCARECROW

Well there was the Powder of Life, and —

OZMA

That was Tip! Don’t encourage them!

TIN WOODMAN

Answer me! What are you accusing her of?

WHEELER 2

She stole! She stole!

LION

I’m getting a bit sick of this.

SCARECROW

They’re making me dizzy.

OZMA

Leave us alone. I am Princess Ozma, a stranger in your country and we have done you no harm.

WHEELER 1

No harm!? No harm!?

WHEELER 3

Did you not pick our lunch-boxes and dinner pails?

WHEELER 2

Have you not a stolen lunch-box in your hand?

OZMA

(meekly)

I… I only took one.

WHEELER 1

No excuse!

WHEELER 2

No excuse!

WHEELER 3

It is forbidden to pick dinner-pails and lunch-boxes!

OZMA

I was hungry! I didn’t know they were yours!

WHEELER 3

No excuse!

WHEELER 1

It’s the law!

WHEELER 2

Anyone who picks a lunch-box without permission must die!

WHEELER 1

Must die!

WHEELER 3

Must die!

TIN WOODMAN

Good work, Ozma.

OZMA

How was I to know?

SCARECROW

Don’t believe them, your Highness. I doubt the trees belong to these creatures. They’re fit for mischief and probably would try to kill us anyway.

The Wheelers screech with hilarity.

OZMA

Thanks. That makes me feel much better.

SCARECROW

Really?

OZMA

No!

TIN WOODMAN

I’d like to see them try and hurt you.

He swings his axe. The Wheelers laugh.

WHEELER 1

Axes can’t hurt us.

WHEELER 2

Nothing can hurt us.

WHEELER 3

You should see what we did to the last little girl who stole from us.

WHEELER 1

You should see! You should see!

WHEELER 2

And her little bird too!

TIN WOODMAN

(action hero)

I ain’t no bird.

The Tin Woodman goes into battle, swinging his axe at the Wheelers, who start howling.

SCARECROW

Stay with me, Ozma, I’ll protect you!

OZMA

With what? You’re made of straw!

TIN WOODMAN

Stand still, you little punks!

LION

He’s not winning, is he?

SCARECROW

Lion, maybe you should… you know.

LION

Good idea.

The Lion takes a deep breath and gives one of his tremendous roars. The Wheelers stop howling then immediately take fright.

WHEELER 3

Run away!

WHEELER 2

Run away! Run away!

TIN WOODMAN

Oh no you don’t, get back here!

The Tin Woodman reaches out and grabs Wheeler 1 by the leg, and he comes crashing down onto the ground. The remaining Wheelers flee.

OZMA

Nice work, Lion.

LION

It was nothing. These things are easily scared off.

TIN WOODMAN

And easily caught.

WHEELER 1

Let go of me, let go of me.

TIN WOODMAN

Not until you tell me why you were sent here.

SCARECROW

You don’t think they’re just bandits?

TIN WOODMAN

I doubt it.

SCARECROW

Highway robbers do exist you know, even in Oz.

TIN WOODMAN

Yeah, but I’m playing a hunch. Come on, spill. Who’s your boss? The King? Who’s sending you out here to kill anyone who touches these trees?

WHEELER 1

Nobody. Wheelers work alone.

TIN WOODMAN

You can do better than that.

OZMA

He could be telling the truth.

TIN WOODMAN

He’s not. Have a look at the bottom of that lunch box if you don’t believe me.

OZMA

What?

TIN WOODMAN

Just turn it over, what do you see?

OZMA

It’s… Oh.

LION

What is it?

OZMA

A letter ‘E’. It’s stamped on.

TIN WOODMAN

They’re on all the lunch boxes on this tree. It’s the royal mark of the House of Ev.

LION

They’re royal property?

TIN WOODMAN

So I really doubt these guys are guarding these tress out of patriotic duty alone. So, I’ll ask one more time and then I start hacking off wheels. Why is the King of Ev sending you to protect these trees?

WHEELER 1

The King? No, not the King, the king is dead! It is the Princess!

OZMA

Princess? But King Evoldo rules Ev, doesn’t he? How has he let a —

WHEELER 1

Evoldo is dead. Long live the Princess!

TIN WOODMAN

Which princess, Wheeler?

WHEELER 1

L…L.. Langwidere!

Pause

SCARECROW

Princess Langwidere?

LION

I’ve never heard of her, have you Scarecrow?

SCARECROW

No.

WHEELER 1

(getting frantic)

She’s the dead king’s closest relation. She’s the only one left. Let me go!

OZMA

Only one left? What happened to the Queen? The Prince? The Royal Family?

WHEELER 1

Let me go, let me go!

TIN WOODMAN

Answer her!

WHEELER 1

They’re lost! Lost! Lost to the Nome King.

Dramatic moment.

OZMA

I had no idea things were so bad here.

LION

Who’s the Nome King?

OZMA

I’ve only heard stories, but if he’s responsible for killing the entire royal family… We need to get to the capital of Ev. Right away.

SCARECROW

Isn’t that where we’re going?

OZMA

Yes, and we haven’t any more time to lose. Let him go, Tin Woodman, we’ve learned all we can.

TIN WOODMAN

As you wish.

He releases the Wheeler and he scampers off.

WHEELER 1

(rolling away)

You’ll never survive! Langwidere will get you! She always gets you!

He screams in hilarity, fading into the distance.

SCARECROW

Charming fellow.

LION

I don’t like the sound of this Princess.

OZMA

Me neither. Which is why I want to meet her for myself. Back to the chariot, everyone! She’s about to get a royal visit!

EXT. EVNA STREETS – DAY

The Chariot rolls along the streets towards Castle Ev. Ozma narrates.

OZMA (V.O.)

We ordered the Sawhorse to carry us onward through Ev, through the forests and out the other side where we soon came into Evna, the capital city of Ev. As we made our way down the streets of the city, a question soon came to our attention.

LION

Where is everyone?

SCARECROW

Maybe it’s a holiday?

TIN WOODMAN

You’d think with a holiday everyone would be out celebrating.

SCARECROW

Maybe it’s not a holiday. Everyone’s at work?

LION

Except the shop people. There’s empty merchant stands and… look, there’s an empty tavern. When is a tavern empty?

OZMA

Something’s wrong. I don’t like it.

TIN WOODMAN

That’s why we came here, wasn’t it?

OZMA

I would have expected some sort of reception if nothing else. They invited the Princess of Oz to visit, don’t they roll out a green carpet?

SCARECROW

Good thing we brought our own then, isn’t it?

OZMA

Sawhorse! Take a left here. Follow the signs for Castle Ev. I need to find out who’s actually in charge.

EXT. CASTLE EV GATES

A crowd of people are there, very angry, demanding attention from their ruler.

OZMA (V.O.)

It was at the castle we found out why the streets were deserted. Massing at the giant castle doors was the whole population of Evna. Men, women, children, all standing at the gates, calling and yelling for someone’s attention. They were not happy.

NANDA

(shouting)

Let us in, Langwidere! Open the gates!

The chariot pulls up alongside the crowd.

LION

(to Nanda)

Excuse me? What’s happening?

NANDA

We’re waiting for the Princess.

OZMA

You mean this Langwidere? She’s going to address you?

NANDA

She will if she knows what’s good for her.

(shouting)

Come out and face your people, Langwidere! We’re still your people!

SCARECROW

Excuse me — what’s your name?

NANDA

Nanda.

SCARECROW

Nanda, that’s no way to speak to your ruler.

NANDA

Then maybe our ruler should think about how she speaks to us. I mean, everyone knows she doesn’t want to be in charge. That’s fine. We don’t particularly want her to be in charge either. We’d much rather have King Evoldo back. He was crazy, but the old Queen kept him in check.

OZMA

What happened to Evoldo?

NANDA

Where have you been? Evoldo died months ago! He… he died.

OZMA

What about his family? He had a son, didn’t he?

NANDA

It’s just Langwidere left.

(shouting)

And frankly the Nome King stole the wrong family members!

SCARECROW

Wait, the Nome King stole them?

OZMA

I’m sure the princess is doing everything she can under the circumstances.

NANDA

No. No she’s not. And trust me, I was in there, working in the castle, I’ve seen it all. She sits there, playing house, polishing her heads, doing whatever she can to avoid responsibility. But the rest of us go without. Nobody’s passing judgement. Nobody’s looking at legislation. Hell, nobody’s maintaining the city!

LION

And so you’re bringing that to her attention?

NANDA

Yeah. Look, I’m for the monarchy as much as the next person — but only while they’re for us. And if Langwidere can’t be bothered being in charge, then let her step down and we’ll put someone else there instead.

(shouting)

The Republic of Ev!

The crowd cheers in response.

OZMA

I wonder if Langwidere even knows what’s going on?

SCARECROW

What do you mean?

OZMA

I wonder if it was her that asked us for help? Look, if she’s been thrown into power following a crisis, she probably hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing. She hasn’t been prepared for this or anything. She’s probably terrified.

TIN WOODMAN

You can relate, huh?

OZMA

A bit. Lion, stay here, talk to the Evians.

(quietly)

Distract them while we pop around inside the castle through that side door there.

LION

I’ll do my best.

OZMA

Good luck! Come on guys.

(to the crowd, walking through)

Excuse me, pardon me…

LION

So, Nanda, tell me more about this awful princess then?

INT. EV CASTLE HALL

The door opens, and Ozma, the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman enter.

OZMA

(yelling)

Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?

TIN WOODMAN

(yelling)

There was nobody at the door, so we let ourselves in.

SCARECROW

Hope that was ok!

OZMA

We’re looking for Princess Langwidere! I’m Ozma, I’ve come from Oz to help!

(pause, then quieter)

I think things are even worse than we thought.

SCARECROW

I know. If this is the royal palace, where are the servants? The guards? Where’s their Omby Amby to tell us off for dropping in like this?

TIN WOODMAN

What sort of queen doesn’t have attendants?

SCARECROW

The sort of queen that hasn’t got the love of her people. Maybe they all quit?

TIN WOODMAN

Maybe they all died? Don’t forget, this is the same queen that had people killed over lunch boxes.

OZMA

(shouting)

Hello?!

Pause.

TIN WOODMAN

I like how the Evians decorate their audience chambers.

SCARECROW

You’re not talking about the couches and the artwork are you?

TIN WOODMAN

No.

SCARECROW

You’re talking about the statues of metal people.

TIN WOODMAN

What can I say? The queen has taste.

OZMA

There’s only one metal man statue though.

TIN WOODMAN

Naturally. One doesn’t want to take these things too far, does one? A little bit of class can go a long way.

OZMA

You’re unreal.

SCARECROW

It looks nothing like you, anyway.

TIN WOODMAN

It sorta does.

SCARECROW

It’s made of copper! With keys and things sticking out of it.

TIN WOODMAN

Well it’s not like Langwidere is going to make actual statues of me for real is she?

SCARECROW

There’s writing on it. Lemme just…

(reading)

‘Smith and Tinker’s Patent Double-Action, Extra-Responsible, Thought-Creating, Perfect-Talking Mechanical Man –‘

LANGWIDERE enters. She’s got a theatrical, pretentious, OTT head on. Everything she says is grand and dramatic, and loud. The others jump as she enters!

LANGWIDERE

Oh, my darling, darling Princess Ozma! How are you my darling friend, my dear!

OZMA

Princess Langwidere, I presume?

LANGWIDERE

Yes, my dear, it has been far too long.

OZMA

We… haven’t met.

LANGWIDERE

Kiss Kiss, darling!

She leans in for theatrical air kisses.

OZMA

Oh, right. Ah, these are my associates, the Scarecrow, and Emperor of the Winkies the Tin Woodman.

LANGWIDERE

Charmed I’m sure…

(she eyes off the Tin Woodman)

Tin Woodman. I see. How very… very shiny you are, my dear.

TIN WOODMAN

Ah, thank you. I guess.

LANGWIDERE

(dripping in innuendo)

You have a very impressive axe there, Mr Woodman. Do you… polish it daily?

SCARECROW

(completely innocently)

Oh, he’s always cleaning the thing. Polishing it up every day — twice a day sometimes, if he’s been busy that morning.

LANGWIDERE

My, what a man!

OZMA

Ahh, is everything ok your Highness? I can’t help but notice you’re alone in here. What happened to your servants?

LANGWIDERE

Servants? Oh yes, I used to have those at one point, didn’t I?

(yelling)

Nanda! Nanda are you there?

(quiet)

I guess she wandered off.

SCARECROW

I think we met her outside. You know, with the… revolutionary crowds?

LANGWIDERE

Oh?

OZMA

Langwidere, you don’t have any idea what’s happening right outside your doors, do you?

LANGWIDERE

Why would I want to look out there, darling? Goodness me, no. Please, allow me to show you more of inside my castle. You must have a tour!

TIN WOODMAN

Well, actually, we wanted to know why you asked for help from the Emerald City.

SCARECROW

And why your Wheelers are trying to kill people at the border.

LANGWIDERE

Yes! A tour! Please, Tin Woodman, allow me to take your arm so that I can better escort you through my little world!

TIN WOODMAN

I … oh, hang on. Sorry, just need to pick this up.

(he bends down and up again)

A feather, your Highness. Don’t want to leave that on the floor, someone might trip.

LANGWIDERE

(uncertainly)

Ah, yes, a feather, please pay no attention to it, silly things.

TIN WOODMAN

You keep many chickens in your palace?

LANGWIDERE

Chickens? What chickens? Who said anything about chickens, I haven’t seen any chickens in months!

TIN WOODMAN

I just mean because it’s a chicken feather.

LANGWIDERE

Oh…. Oh, is it! Such… such a wise mind you have my Emperor. Ooh, I can see we’re going to have to keep an eye on you! Please, come along, I am eager to have many discussions with you!

TIN WOODMAN

Your Highness, I think we need to —

OZMA

Let her give us a tour, Tin Woodman. Indulge her and we might get some answers later.

TIN WOODMAN

If you say so.

LANGWIDERE

Wonderful! Now, as you see through here, these fabulous arches were designed by King Evring the Second back in the fourth dynasty…

She leads the Tin Woodman away.

OZMA

Coming, Scarecrow?

SCARECROW

Hmm? Oh, you go ahead. I’m going to keep looking at this statue. I have an idea.

TIN WOODMAN

(from the other room)

Uh-oh.

SCARECROW

(shouting)

Shut up!

OZMA

Ok. We’ll probably circle back later. You have fun.

She heads off. Scarecrow ponders the statue.

SCARECROW

(reading)

‘Mechanical Man. Fitted with our Special Clock-Work Attachment. Thinks, Speaks, Acts, and does everything but live’ Oh that’s so sad! And it doesn’t even look like it’s living right now. Wonder if I should wind it back up again? Oh look, there’s some more instructions down here…

EXT. EVNA STREETS

The Lion is talking to Nanda.

NANDA

You have no idea how bad it was in there. The things she’s doing. She’s not connected to the outside world at all! She just lives in her own little heads doing… doing whatever she wants.

LION

Heads? Plural? She has more than one head?

NANDA

Didn’t you know?

LION

No I… what’s she doing, Nanda? Who is that princess?

NANDA

I’ve told you everything.

LION

No you haven’t. I can see it in your face, you’re holding something back. What aren’t you telling me?

NANDA

I’ve seen things, Mister Lion. She’s… even I can’t talk about it. Not even now.

LION

Nanda, if you don’t tell me, how can we —

The crowd start reacting to something, cutting him off.

LION (cont’d)

What’s going on?

NANDA

Oh goodness… I thought she’d killed her.

LION

I think I can see… is there someone in the window?

NANDA

Langwidere can’t even get that right. If you’re going to kidnap someone, don’t put them in a window-facing cell.

LION

Kidnap? Nanda, you have to tell me what’s going on. Who’s in that tower?

He trails off. From high above he can hear a voice calling down. It’s faint — we can’t quite work out who it is.

DISTANT VOICE

(faintly)

Lion! Lion it’s me! It’s me.

LION

No way…

INT. EV CASTLE HALL

The Scarecrow continues to operate the controls of the mechanical man.

SCARECROW

Right, if I’ve read this thing correctly, then that must be his thinking mechanism wound up. Now for the key under his right arm for his speaking.

The Scarecrow winds up the other key. The robot starts to whirr and tick into life. It is, of course, TIK-TOK.

SCARECROW (cont’d)

There we go!

TIK-TOK

— you would not want to make an enemy of me.

(pause)

Where is the girl?

SCARECROW

It talks! It really talks!

TIK-TOK

Please answer my question.

SCARECROW

What? Oh, right! Umm, girl — do you mean Langwidere? She went that way.

TIK-TOK

No, I mean — internal scan of castle complete. Rescue mode engaged!

SCARECROW

What? Rescue mode? Who are you rescuing?

TIK-TOK

Please wind up my action immediately. It is a matter of life and death.

SCARECROW

It is? Well then!

He starts winding. The Lion rushes in from the other entrance.

LION

Scarecrow! Where are the others?

SCARECROW

They’re on a tour with the Princess — what’s going on Lion?

LION

You won’t believe who I’ve seen just now!

INT. CASTLE CORRIDOR

Langwidere continues her tour with the Tin Woodman and Ozma.

LANGWIDERE

And to the left you’ll find the art gallery of Ev, where my ancestors portraits hang for the benefit of all the little, insignificant —

Tik-Tok stomps his way into the hall.

TIK-TOK

(approaching)

This way.

SCARECROW

(from a distance)

Clockwork man, wait!

TIN WOODMAN

Oh, so it does move!

OZMA

Is it magic?

LANGWIDERE

No! No you woke it up! Why did you do that?!?

TIK-TOK

Stand aside.

SCARECROW

(angry)

Where have you got her, Langwidere?

OZMA

Scarecrow, don’t be so rude — we’re guests.

TIN WOODMAN

Yeah, what’s going on, buddy?

LION

She’s at the top of the highest tower.

TIK-TOK

Further conversation with the princess is not required — I have found her location.

OZMA

Who’s location? What’s happening?

TIK-TOK

Please follow me.

He stomps towards the stairs.

LANGWIDERE

No, stop! I’m in charge of this place and I order you to stop! Stop!

INT. TOWER

Tik-Tok stomps up the stairs with the others following behind.

OZMA (V.O.)

Ignoring the increasingly desperate cries of Princess Langwidere, the strange mechanical man led us up the staircase to the top of a tower. Where a locked wooden door awaited us.

TIK-TOK

Please open this door.

LANGWIDERE

No. No, you can’t make me, I refuse!

SCARECROW

Open the door, Langwidere. Or we’ll force it open.

TIN WOODMAN

Scarecrow, will you just explain —

LION

(roaring)

Give him the key!

Langwidere gibbers and hands over the keys.

LANGWIDERE

Here.

SCARECROW

Thank you.

LION

Quickly, Scarecrow!

The Scarecrow unlocks the door and swings it open. The whole group gasp.

LION (cont’d)

I knew it!

TIN WOODMAN

Holy Lurline!

SCARECROW

It’s you, it’s really you!

DOROTHY

Well thank God for that! If you three took any longer to rescue me, I was going to really start complaining!

ALL

Dorothy!

DOROTHY

Admit it. You missed me, didn’t you?

CLOSING CREDITS