Read the production script for Episode 1 of The Chronicles of Oz: The Marvellous Land of Oz. This script may differ slightly from the final released audio.
Episode One
INT. THRONE ROOM – FLASHBACK
The Witch marches into the Throne Room, angry as all hell. The Wizard lounges on the throne.
WIZARD
Well if it isn’t my favourite Wicked Witch!
WITCH
You have no right to that throne!
WIZARD
It doesn’t seem to be otherwise occupied.
WITCH
You killed him, didn’t you. You murdered the King!
WIZARD
That is a vile accusation and I should have you up on charges of slander. The late King Pastoria and I were good friends. I was such a comfort to him in his final days. Nursing him as his health ebbed away. Please, don’t talk to me any further on this, the pain is too much.
WITCH
You lying charlatan, I’ll roast you into the middle of the next life!
She builds a fireball.
WIZARD
Uh-ah! I’m the Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz, you know. You don’t want to get on my bad side, do you?
The Witch backs down.
WIZARD (cont’d)
The Guardians have agreed. In the absence of an heir —
WITCH
Ozma is the heir!
WIZARD
— in the absence of an heir, I am to be appointed the interim ruler of the Emerald City. Until some constitutional fine tuning can be parsed. The Lurline family tree traced out, a more legitimate member of the royal family found. In the meantime, someone with the right initials will prove a wonderful placeholder.
WITCH
Placeholder! Where is Ozma?
WIZARD
I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
WITCH
I bet you don’t. What have you done with the princess?
WIZARD
Me, I’ve done nothing. The poor girl has vanished.
WITCH
You’re fooling nobody, Wizard —
WIZARD
On the contrary, my dear, I am fooling everybody. Now listen to me and listen good. The Guardians have chosen to support me now. Not you. Not Glinda, Locasta or the other one. Me. And flying in here cackling and ranting will get you nowhere.
WITCH
Where. Is. Ozma?
WIZARD
Ozma is gone. And that’s all you need to know. There is now only me to rule Oz. You had better get used to that.
WITCH
I’ll find her you know. From this point on I am dedicating my life to finding the lost princess and I will end you. I guarantee it.
WIZARD
Oh, a vendetta, I love it. You Ozians are all so theatrical.
WITCH
This is not a game, Wizard —
WIZARD
It’s always a game, and one that you have lost. By all means, try to seek out the princess if you like. You’ll never find her.
WITCH
She’s dead then?
WIZARD
That would be telling.
WITCH
By Lurline’s bones I promise —
WIZARD
I’m growing tired of these empty threats in my own throne room. If you’re going to nurture your hatred of me, then you can do so elsewhere. I hereby order your return to your own realm.
WITCH
What?
WIZARD
You heard me, I’m banishing you to Winkieland until further notice. You are forbidden to set foot in the Emerald City ever again. Don’t think we’ll miss you. No one mourns the wicked.
WITCH
You don’t want to make an enemy of me, Wizard.
WIZARD
And you don’t want to make an enemy of the Wizard of Oz. You have no power here, Witch. Be gone, before somebody —
(he pauses)
No. You’re not even worth a parting shot.
He saunters off.
WITCH
(to herself)
Mark my words, you’ve not seen the last of me. I will find Ozma, I will return her to the throne. And then you, oh Wonderful Wizard of Oz, will regret the day you crossed the Wicked Witch of the West!
OPENING CREDITS
INT. VOID
As in the previous season, we open with a voice over. TIP, 20 years old, addresses his audience.
TIP (V.O.)
Sometimes you don’t want your world to change. Not in an instant, not in a moment, a day, a year, not ever. Not at all. I mean, is there anything wrong with wanting things to stay the way they are? Other people might talk about finding new places, doing new things, becoming new people or whatever. Everything you know blown away on a gust of wind. No. No, that’s not for me. I don’t want anything to change. I want everything to stay exactly the same. My world isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s pretty damn awful. But it’s mine. And I want to keep it that way.
INT. MOMBI’S HOUSE
It’s spooky, damp, cold and uncomfortable. A cauldron bubbles in the background as MOMBI — middle aged and cranky witch — stirs it.
TIP (V.O.)
Cause in my world, I know who I am. I’m Tippetarius, apprentice to the witch Mombi, indentured to her service until… well Lurline knows. Forever, probably. Which is fine. Like I said, I don’t want things to change. Oh, and everyone calls me Tip.
MOMBI
(off-mic)
Tip! Tip where the hell are you now, boy?
TIP (V.O.)
Just like that.
(pause)
Mombi’s an … interesting person. And not as bad as you might think when you first see her. I know that in the past she’s… Look, you can’t blame her, right? How would you feel if you used to be the Wicked Witch of the North and some little old woman kicked you out and forbade you from casting spells? You’d be a little pissed off, yeah? You know how they say power corrupts? Well imagine how you’d be if you had power, and you had it stripped away and given to some lady with a bubble fixation?
MOMBI
(off-mic)
Tip, I’m giving you ten seconds to show yourself, then I’m coming looking. One! Two!
TIP (V.O.)
You’d go a bit mad, really, wouldn’t you? Maybe a little crazy. And maybe you do things you don’t mean. And if you just understood where she was coming from you’d —
MOMBI
(entering)
Seven! Eight! Nine!
TIP
(in the scene)
You skipped some numbers.
MOMBI
Did I? Where have you been?
TIP
In here, just labelling potions.
MOMBI
Come when I call you.
TIP
Yes, Mombi.
MOMBI
What are you labelling?
TIP
Just the anti-gemomantics. I saw the old ones were faded and don’t want you saying ‘Oh I need a potion to stop people finding me, but I can’t read which anti-geomantic I need’–
MOMBI
Yeah, I stopped listening to you some time back. I have to go out for a while.
TIP
Cool.
MOMBI
A few days.
TIP
Ah.
MOMBI
I’m leaving you in charge while I’m gone.
TIP
(sarcastic)
Really? Wow! I’m so honoured.
MOMBI
Shut up.
TIP
In charge of all the other people in the house?
MOMBI
Enough.
TIP
I sure hope the power of all this authority doesn’t go to my head while you’re away, cause I mean, wow.
MOMBI
Don’t you ever worry that one day you’ll push me too far?
TIP
Where are you going?
MOMBI
Mind your business.
TIP
You’re seeing the Magician again, aren’t you?
MOMBI
You’re getting too clever for your own good, Tippetarius.
TIP
Didn’t he see you off for good the last time you visited him?
MOMBI
Suddenly I feel like talking to you isn’t something I want to be doing right now.
TIP
He’ll run you out of his cottage with fireworks again.
MOMBI
Well maybe I have something he wants this time.
TIP
That’s what you said last time.
MOMBI
Maybe I’ll offer you up to him as a trade!
TIP
Ha! You’ll never get rid of me. I’m too valuable to you.
MOMBI
With this much backchat, you wanna bet?
(she makes for the door)
Right, don’t get into mischief while I’m gone. And stay out of my spell chest!
TIP
Mombi —
MOMBI
Don’t forget to feed the cow.
TIP
Mombi, wait!
MOMBI
Oh what?
TIP
It’s… well it’s the Festival of Jac’acai this weekend…
MOMBI
I can read a calendar. What about it?
TIP
I was wondering if you’d let me… this year, I mean, I could…
MOMBI
Oh not this again.
TIP
I know you don’t like them, but they’re traditional, and we’ve had a lot more pumpkins in the veggie garden this season, so it’s not like we’d miss one.
MOMBI
Oh, for Lurline’s sake.
TIP
Please, Mombi!
MOMBI
Fine. You can make a Pumpkinhead.
TIP
Thank you!
MOMBI
If it’ll stop your incessant whining!
She leaves. Tip jumps in excitement.
TIP
Oh, this is going to be so great!
He starts gathering materials.
TIP (V.O.)
For those that don’t know, a Pumpkinhead is a traditional figure of fun built in celebration of the Festival of Jac’acai. It makes no sense, and it’s kinda stupid, but everyone does it. This time of year you see them everywhere, it’s part of the season and it’s just… I dunno. Fun.
Making a Pumpkinhead is straightforward. First, you find yourself the biggest, ripest pumpkin in your patch. Carve out a face, make it scary, then put it on a body made out of whatever rubbish you can find. The weirder the better. Then you dress it up in your most outrageous old clothes. And you end up with a sort of scarecrow, with a fruit as its head. Look, it sounds bonkers but trust me, everyone in Oz does this once a year just as winter begins. They stand outside your front door, their goofy grins making kids giggle, as they protect your home against the evil Jac’acai hobgoblins, the Awgwas, and the other dark spirits of winter.
Ha! maybe that’s why Mombi never wanted me to make one?
Don’t ask me why I wanted to do one this year. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. Something normal to keep up my spirits as winter started. Even I didn’t know then how much I was going to need every inch of my spirits.
EXT. PALACE STEPS
A crowd has gathered to watch the execution of the Munchkin leader, MALIK. Armed guards stand at attention, the mood is solemn, as the event is watched by the SCARECROW and LOCASTA. FARAMANT addresses their prisoner.
FARAMANT
General Malik of Munchkinland. You have been tried and found guilty for the following crimes against the people of Oz: the murder of over a thousand of your fellow Munchkins. The wilful encouragement of civil war. Refusing to accede to demands of your Sovereign King. And wilfully continuing to promote the ideals of a declared dictator. Before sentence can be passed, you have been brought to the Palace of the Emerald City for final judgement. You are in the presence of Locasta, Good Witch of the North, and his Majesty the Scarecrow, King of Oz.
Have you any final words to say in your defence?
MALIK
What I did, I did in the name of those who opposed the Witch of the East, for the honour and glory of the Munchkin people. And I will not be judged by any pretend king.
(to Scarecrow)
You’re not a king. You’re not even a man. You’re made of straw.
FARAMANT
Is that all?
MALIK
Yes.
FARAMANT
Then with your permission, Majesty?
Tense pause.
SCARECROW
Do it.
FARAMANT
General Malik. By order of his Majesty the Scarecrow, with the consent of the Witch of the North acting in proxy for the remaining Ozian powers, by the laws of the land of Oz and in the name of Lurline herself, you have been sentenced to execution. This sentence will now be carried out. Storkguard, do your duty.
Malik is forced to his knees. He starts to get flustered.
MALIK
(struggling)
This isn’t the end you know. The Munchkins will not tolerate another Emerald City dictatorship. They wouldn’t under the Wizard and they won’t under you. There will be consequences. The Munchkins will —
THWICK! The Storkguard slices his head off. The audience gasps.
FARAMANT
General Malik of Munchkinland is dead.
General cheers.
LOCASTA
Let us hope this brings an end to the Munchkin War at last.
The Scarecrow stands and walks away.
FARAMANT
Your Majesty?
(to Locasta)
Where’s he going?
LOCASTA
Your Majesty!
(to Faramant)
It’s all right, I’ll speak with him.
INT. PALACE CORRIDOR
The Scarecrow rushes in, Locasta close behind him.
LOCASTA
Your Majesty —
SCARECROW
I couldn’t stay out there, Locasta.
LOCASTA
I understand. It’s quite a distressing business for everyone.
SCARECROW
Everyone? You’re just the Witch of the North, you didn’t have to order the death of… of…
(pause)
I’m sorry.
LOCASTA
You had no choice, Scarecrow. It’s regrettable, but he had to die.
SCARECROW
Did he?
LOCASTA
With General Malik dead, the Munchkin Civil War can finally come to an end. He was the last of the Generals, the only one perpetuating the conflict. Without him, his supporters will all dissipate.
SCARECROW
And we can have peace again, so everyone tells me. It’s just…
LOCASTA
It’s not easy, I know.
SCARECROW
There had to be another way.
LOCASTA
There wasn’t. If there was, I would have found it for you. As you know, I spent quite a lot of time in Munchkinland after the Witch died, working towards peace. I wouldn’t have recommended this course of action if it wasn’t the only way.
SCARECROW
I’ve got this wonderful brain, I should have been able to think of another way.
LOCASTA
If you had let him live, the Munchkins would have continued to kill each other under his leadership. You did a good thing, Scarecrow.
SCARECROW
I want to go there.
LOCASTA
To Munchkinland?
SCARECROW
Yes. I need to see for myself that it’s all better now.
LOCASTA
Well, I wouldn’t say it’s all better, there’s still quite a lot to be done. I’m returning there myself today, to help with the restoration and repair —
SCARECROW
Then I should be there. I’m the King, aren’t I? Shouldn’t a king be amongst his people?
LOCASTA
You are, in the Emerald City. You have people here too you know, and they need their leader.
SCARECROW
Yes, but… no, I need to go to Munchkinland. Thank you Locasta, I feel better now. But I need to speak with my Guardians —
He rushes off again.
LOCASTA
Good luck, Scarecrow. I hope you find your way.
INT. STUDIO
Radio reporter PREENA is interviewing the WOGGLE BUG about the events in the Emerald City.
PREENA
Welcome back listeners. For those of you just tuning in, we’ve just heard the execution of General Malik, the leader of the Munchkin Civil War and the one who has, arguably, been keeping the conflict going for so long. In the studio with me now we have Mr HM Woggle Bug TE, who has been taking a significant interest in the Munchkin War since it started six months ago. Mr Woggle Bug, welcome.
WOGGLE BUG
It’s a pleasure to be here, Preena. As you’re aware, I myself have spent quite a bit of time with the Munchkins these past months, so I feel perfectly placed to give a unique perspective on the predicaments.
PREENA
So talk us through the events of today. Does this finally mean an end to the Munchkin conflict?
WOGGLE BUG
Well we can only hope so. I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that the Munchkin situation is a complex one. For decades they’ve been living under the continuous rule of the Witch of the East, who for all her faults had her supporters as well as her detractors. Following her assassination six months ago, her people have been directionless, leaderless, with many individuals both within the Witch’s collapsed government and from the rebel forces trying to take control.
PREENA
Of which Malik was the most powerful.
WOGGLE BUG
He definitely emerged as the leader with the greatest influence, as time went on, as other potential leaders were killed or removed. But he was by no means entirely popular, and unfortunately while he remained in power there was no other way for the conflict to end.
PREENA
So you believe the Emerald City was right to intervene?
WOGGLE BUG
I believe something needed to be done, yes, otherwise the conflict could have continued indefinitely. Or until the Munchkins were wiped out entirely.
PREENA
Indeed, and we’ve all seen the images circulating of the Storkguard army King Scarecrow ordered to invade Munchkinland a month ago.
WOGGLE BUG
Don’t get me wrong, Preena. It’s regrettable such action had to be taken. I was among those who hoped against hope that with the passage of time such things could have been resolved on their own and a natural leader could emerge that would calm the violence. But clearly this was not going to happen, and lives were being lost.
PREENA
There are some who have objected to the Emerald City intervening in the Munchkin affair, do they have a point?
WOGGLE BUG
Perhaps they do, I couldn’t possibly comment. But as I said, I spent some time in Munchkinland, with some of the new Munchkin leaders, including Malik. I can honestly say, there could be no end to the fighting whilst they were in command.
PREENA
Which brings me back to my original question — does the execution of General Malik mean peace for Munchkinland?
WOGGLE BUG
It’s hard to say. Yes, the head of the beast has been cut off — if you’ll excuse the pun — but it will be some time before normality will return to the east. Malik, like the Witch herself, still has followers who I can’t imagine will take this lightly. What Munchkinland really needs now is a new leader. To unite them.
PREENA
And who do you recommend for this position?
WOGGLE BUG
Well what are your career plans, Preena?
They chuckle.
WOGGLE BUG (cont’d)
It’s hard to answer that one I’m afraid. But perhaps Glinda the Good should choose someone for the role. After all, she’s pretty much established a precedent.
INT. PALACE CORRIDOR
FARAMANT and JELLIA JAMB march down the corridor, arguing.
JELLIA JAMB
It’s a good idea, Faramant!
FARAMANT
It’s a terrible idea and you know it.
JELLIA JAMB
It sends all the right messages — a united Oz under one King, we support the Munchkins on the road to restoration — and so on.
FARAMANT
He’ll be killed, we’ll be in anarchy and I’m saying no.
JELLIA JAMB
I’m pretty sure there’s not much that can kill him. He was ripped apart by the Winged Monkeys remember, and he walked away from that.
FARAMANT
Are you going to risk it?
JELLIA JAMB
Are you going to be the one to tell him no then?
FARAMANT
I —
JELLIA JAMB
Oh, wait, let me show you how it goes. You’ll be all
(mimicking his UK accent)
‘Oh your Majesty, you can’t possibly go to the, ummm, err’ and he’ll be ‘Yes, Faramant, go on, what is it?’ and you’ll be ‘well, Sire, fact of the matter is, when it’s all said and done, stutter stutter, fumble and stutter.’
FARAMANT
That’s well out of line, Jellia. And a terrible accent.
JELLIA JAMB
Tell me I’m wrong. No, better yet, tell the King he can’t visit his people in Munchkinland. Go on, I dare you.
OMBY AMBY
Rehearsing for the Jac’acai play already are we? Which one of you is playing a Knook and who’s playing a Ryl?
JELLIA JAMB
Oh Faramant’s definitely a Knook.
FARAMANT
Omby, I’ve heard about the King’s plans to visit the Munchkin battlefields. I think it’s a bad idea.
JELLIA JAMB
And I think it’s a perfect opportunity to promote him as a viable leader of the Ozian people.
OMBY AMBY
I agree with Faramant.
FARAMANT
(snapping)
Oh for once Omby Amby, could you please support me and realise I actually know what I — oh. You are supporting me. Sorry.
OMBY AMBY
Don’t get too comfortable with it, I’m not.
JELLIA JAMB
Omby —
OMBY AMBY
Faramant has a point, Jellia. The King might feel like he needs to visit his people, but the situation is still far too volatile for a royal visit. I’m just going to inform his Majesty now.
JELLIA JAMB
Oh please. Let Faramant. He’s on a dare.
OMBY AMBY
Things were so much easier when they only let me in the Throne Room…
He knocks on the throne room door.
INT. THRONE ROOM
Omby Amby, Faramant and Jellia Jamb enter. The Scarecrow is on his throne.
OMBY AMBY
Your Majesty.
SCARECROW
Hmm? Oh! Hi guys, thanks for coming. I wanted to talk about my trip into Munchkinland.
OMBY AMBY
Yes, Sire, about that —
SCARECROW
I was thinking we travel into the Munchkin City itself first, survey the damage. That’s where all the worst of the battles happened, so they tell me. And I can have a look at Dorothy’s house, I always wanted to see that.
FARAMANT
I understand there’s not a lot left of that now, Sire. Not after six months of war.
SCARECROW
Oh. That’s disappointing. Well I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff I can look at. Ruins and what have you. Jelly-ah, you can get them taking pictures of me being thoughtful.
JELLIA JAMB
It’s ‘Jel-i-ah’, Sire.
SCARECROW
Oh. Right, sorry. I’ll get that right one day.
JELLIA JAMB
Well you haven’t in six months…
OMBY AMBY
(muttering)
Jellia…
SCARECROW
And then I thought we’d go out. Through the towns, the farms, talking to people, hearing about their experiences. I want to ask them if they’re ok now. We can travel down the Yellow Brick Road and do a survey at the same time, cause I have to tell you, when we were travelling it last year there was a lot of damage that we should look into repairing.
OMBY AMBY
Sire —
SCARECROW
We’ll have to look out for the Kalidahs though.
OMBY AMBY
(loud)
Your Majesty!
Pause
OMBY AMBY (cont’d)
I’m sorry, Sire, that tone was inappropriate.
SCARECROW
No, it’s ok Omby. You wanted to say something?
OMBY AMBY
It’s just that… well when all’s said and done, when it comes down to it…
FARAMANT
Your Majesty, I’m afraid it just isn’t safe enough for you travel into Munchkinland right now.
JELLIA JAMB
Wow. I completely thought that would go a different way.
SCARECROW
But the people need to see their king, Faramant.
FARAMANT
I know, your Majesty, and I can see this is an important issue for you. Obviously, since you come from Munchkinland originally.
SCARECROW
It’s not just that —
FARAMANT
And — I’m sorry for interrupting, Sire — but we’ve only just executed General Malik. He still has supporters out there. Not to mention supporters of the Wicked Witch who won’t respond kindly to someone as closely associated with Dorothy as you are.
SCARECROW
But that’s exactly why I need to go! To show them who I am, that I’m a good king! And that I can lead them better than any wicked old witch could.
JELLIA JAMB
For the record, Sire, I agree with you.
SCARECROW
Thank you, Jelly-ah.
Jellia sighs.
FARAMANT
I’m sorry, Sire, but as Guardian of the Gates, I’m responsible for your security. And the security of your entourage. I’m afraid not all of your retinue could walk away from a Winged Monkey attack like you can.
SCARECROW
In that case I’ll go by myself. I’ll pack a basket, ease on down the road —
OMBY AMBY
No, Sire, protocol won’t permit that. The Monarch may never travel unaccompanied.
SCARECROW
(tantrum)
Well then what’s the point of being King then if I have to stay in my Palace every day? When do I get to do some actual ruling?
FARAMANT
Your Majesty, I only ask for some patience while we —
SCARECROW
I’ve been patient, I’ve been waiting and now I want to go and…
He tails off. Awkward pause.
OMBY AMBY
Thank you Jellia, Faramant, can we have the room now please?
FARAMANT
Of course.
JELLIA JAMB
I have a briefing to get to.
The two of them leave.
SCARECROW
I only want to see the Munchkins, Omby.
OMBY AMBY
And you will, Sire. As soon as the area is secure, we’ll take you to the city centre and Jellia can take as many pictures of you as she likes. But it’s important we do this properly. If you go too soon, things will escalate.
SCARECROW
I know, I know. It’s just… I thought this was going to be different.
OMBY AMBY
Thought what was, Sire?
SCARECROW
This. Everything, this crown this… I used to have adventures, once. With Dorothy, and the Tin Woodman, and the Lion and… oh it doesn’t matter.
OMBY AMBY
Sire?
SCARECROW
It’s fine. I’ll stay put like you say. It makes sense, even I can see that.
OMBY AMBY
Thank you, Sire.
SCARECROW
So what do I need to do now then? What other delightful delights have you got planned for the King of Oz today?
OMBY AMBY
Well, you have a meeting with the former ambassador to Ix to discuss re-establishing an embassy there. After that you’re meeting with the young competition winners from one of the local schools to judge their… war crimes diorama? That can’t be right, I’ll confirm that for you, Sire. And finally I’ve got Faramant briefing you on Storkguard security. Then there’s dinner.
SCARECROW
Fantastic.
FADE OUT
EXT. PIPT’S HOUSE
Mombi slams the front a door and screams at it behind her.
MOMBI
(screaming)
You never know when you’ve got a good thing going for you, Pipt! You and I could do wonderful things together you know! But you’re a bent-up, ridiculous, impotent little magician with no redeeming features whatsoever! And that goes double for your wife!
(quieter)
Well, at least I got this out of that little transaction…
GLINDA
What have you got there?
MOMBI
Oh, just a little Powder of — Glinda!
GLINDA
It’s been a long time, Mombi. Powder of what?
MOMBI
(unnerved)
Oh, a powder for a little condition I have that I’m not comfortable talking about. A lady has to have her privacy.
GLINDA
You’re not dealing in magic I hope. I understand the Witch of the North made the conditions of your living arrangements very clear —
MOMBI
(angry)
I’M THE WITCH OF THE… ahem, I mean, I’m behaving myself I promise. This powder is purely medicinal.
GLINDA
I’m sure.
MOMBI
And what brings you to the doorstep of the Crooked Magician? Or is Glinda the Good so above reproach her actions can go unquestioned?
GLINDA
You bring me here, as it happens. I was looking for you.
MOMBI
Oh?
GLINDA
I have to ask, isn’t it dangerous travelling into Munchkinland, even now?
MOMBI
The fighting has mostly stopped, and it never made it into the mountains. What do you want, Glinda?
GLINDA
I want to ask you some questions.
MOMBI
Then hurry up about it, it’s cold. What do you want to ask me?
GLINDA
Ozma.
Pause
MOMBI
(slightly rattled)
What?
GLINDA
So you know something?
MOMBI
Ozma disappeared decades ago, what makes you think I —
GLINDA
Oh, just a hunch. I’ve been doing some research and it turns out you might have some information as to her whereabouts.
MOMBI
Well, your research is wrong. Haven’t got a clue.
GLINDA
You’re still a terrible liar, Mombi. What do you know?
MOMBI
Nothing. Now I have to leave.
GLINDA
Mombi —
MOMBI
Tip’s expecting me, I have to get back to him.
She heads off into the distance.
GLINDA
I’m on a mission, Mombi. The truth will be found out, and if you don’t help me now, you’ll have to help me later. Mombi! Mombi!
EXT. MOMBI’S HOUSE
Mombi stomps her way up to the door.
MOMBI
(muttering)
How can she know? She can’t. Nobody knew anything besides me and him, and he’s long gone. She’s bluffing. She has to be. But even so, I can’t take the risk she might know something. I need to think. I need to think, and make a plan to — agghhg!
She screams and jumps back, seeing the Pumpkinhead on the porch.
MOMBI (cont’d)
What the hell is that! TIP!!!!
Tip laughs as he approaches.
TIP
Do you like it?
MOMBI
It’s hideous.
TIP
It’s meant to be, it’s a Pumpkinhead.
MOMBI
It’s cluttering up my front porch.
TIP
It’s going to keep away the Awgwas.
MOMBI
It’s going to be toothpicks. Stand back.
TIP
No, stop, you promised!
MOMBI
I don’t give a crap, get out of the way.
TIP
Mombi, please! It’s the Festival of Jac’acai, let it live! Just until the end of the festival!
MOMBI
Let it live? You sentimental little twerp, why would I let…
(she drifts off, thinking)
Let it… live. Interesting.
TIP
What?
MOMBI
(pulling out the Powder bottle)
This could be an opportunity to test it. Keep back, boy, I’m working.
She approaches the Pumpkinhead and starts scattering powder over it.
TIP
Mombi, what are you doing?
MOMBI
Just a few sprinkles over the subject he said. There we go. And now…
(incanting a spell)
Weaugh! Teaugh! Peaugh!
Thunderclap! Magic spell whizzing as JACK PUMPKINHEAD is brought to life. He starts to stand up, his stick-limbs creaking.
TIP
Mombi…
MOMBI
Shh! It’s working! He’s coming to life! I’ve brought the Pumpkinhead to life! He lives! Holy Lurline, he lives!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Don’t yell like that! Do you think I’m deaf?
MOMBI
He even talks! That Magician isn’t as crooked as he looks!
TIP
Mombi, what have you done? What is that stuff?
MOMBI
Powder of Life. Powerful stuff. As you can see!
TIP
(amazed)
You’re not wrong. Holy Lurline.
MOMBI
You!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Huh?
MOMBI
Pumpkinhead! Yes, I’m talking to you! Don’t stand there looking so surprised, I know you can hear me.
TIP
I don’t think he can help it, his mouth is locked that way. Sorry, Pumpkinhead, if I knew she was going to do this I might have put more effort into carving your face.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Why? Is there something wrong with it? Is… is my head bigger than yours? It feels like it’s —
TIP
It’s a pumpkin.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Right… What’s a pumpkin?
MOMBI
Oh, the thing’s an idiot. And I’ve got enough of them around here as it is. Time to go back to sleep, Pumpkinhead.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Ahhhh!
Tip stands between Jack and Mombi.
TIP
Mombi, no!
MOMBI
Get out of the way, boy.
TIP
You can’t kill him, not now.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Yeah, don’t kill me!
MOMBI
What do you mean I can’t kill him? You just watch me.
TIP
It’d be cruel!
MOMBI
Have you met me?
TIP
He can help out around here. You’re always saying I’m too slow getting things done, now I’ve got help.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Yeah, I can help! I can…
(whispering)
What can I do?
MOMBI
You, Tip, are too slow because you’re a lazy twerp, that’s why you’re slow. Now there’ll be two of you lazing around.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I won’t be lazy, I promise.
TIP
See, Mombi, he promises!
MOMBI
He’s two minutes old, does he even know what promises are?
TIP
I’ll teach him.
MOMBI
Will you?
TIP
Well I made him, didn’t I?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
You did?
MOMBI
A Pumpkinhead isn’t just for Jac’acai Night you know.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
You mean I can stay? Hooray!
Pause. Mombi thinks.
MOMBI
Outside, you stay outside. I’m not having a pumpkin spoiling away in my house.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Spoiling away? Is a pumpkin likely to spoil? Is that what pumpkins do?
TIP
It’s ok, you’ll be fine out here. I’ll… I’ll come out and check on you later.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Umm. Ok.
MOMBI
I’m getting soft in my old age. I know it.
TIP
See, you really do have a heart, Mombi.
MOMBI
Wash your mouth out, and don’t make me change my mind!
The two of them go inside.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I … don’t even know their names. I don’t even know my name!
INT. MOMBI’S HOUSE
TIP (V.O.)
I dunno. Maybe we should have been friendlier. Or at least Mombi should have. But she clearly had other things on her mind. She didn’t speak at all as she unpacked, didn’t respond to my stupid jokes at all. Usually I get a basic ‘shut up’ and the occasional threat to turn me into a toad if I go too far, but tonight she was quiet. She was thinking.
We had dinner, which was some sort of soup thing I’d managed to cobble together for us. Then Mombi got to work. She did this most nights — early evening spell-casting. Dark magic works best as the sun sets — and let’s not be unclear about this, Mombi only ever works in dark magic. So she’d wait for the early evening to begin her work. And I would help her, as a dutiful apprentice should.
MOMBI
Build the fire, Tip. And gather the milk and vinegar, please.
TIP (V.O.)
No, she wasn’t cooking. She was spell casting. She consulted a little tiny piece of paper and called out ingredients for me to fetch.
MOMBI
Rosewood. Nettlebroth. Merrywizzle — no, the powdered one, idiot, I need to grind it in. I think a pepperfeather would also do very nicely — actually, grab two.
TIP (V.O.)
And this would go on. I’d bring her the things, she’d prepare them, pop them in the cauldron, stir, and then send me off for more. Sometimes she’d talk about what she was creating. It’s how I’d learn about dark arts. But this time she was silent. She was focused on her preparations.
MOMBI
A pint of aconite, please. And some marble essence. Yes, that’s going to work well…
TIP (V.O.)
It took me longer than it should have for me to work it out. What she was making. What all these things do when they come together. Pepperfeathers are used for transformative spells, she puts them in everything usually. Aconite is a magical sealant to ensure it doesn’t auto reverse, merrywizzle helps the action-timing. And marble essence was obvious. Someone was getting turned into stone.
TIP
So, umm, who’s this for Mombi?
MOMBI
What makes you think it’s for anybody?
TIP
Well, you’re making a potion so —
MOMBI
Too many questions. Get me some more water, it’s boiling dry.
TIP (V.O.)
She was avoiding the question — and that was what worried me the most. Mombi wasn’t the sharing sort as a rule, but if she was turning the local postman or an annoying farmer into a statue she’d at least say so. Even if she had plans for the Pumpkinhead she’d rub it in. There was only one reason I could think of why she wasn’t telling me what she was doing. She was saving it for me.
MOMBI
Are you getting that water or not?
TIP
(nervous)
Ah. Right. I’ll just go get that. I need to…
MOMBI
What the hell’s wrong with you now?
TIP
It’s just… the water. There’s only this bucket left.
MOMBI
Then go get some more from the well!
TIP
Right. Sure. I’ll go to the well.
MOMBI
Give me what you’ve got first, I don’t want to have to start over.
TIP
Oh. Sure. Here.
He passes on the bucket.
TIP (V.O.)
I had to think fast. I was certain the potion was for me, she was being too evasive for it to be anything else. And right here was an opportunity to get out of there. I could go to the well, then go past the well, and keep on going until I was far enough away from Mombi that she wouldn’t be able to turn me into stone. Suddenly I had a plan, and my legs were already taking me to the door.
MOMBI
Tip! The bucket!
TIP
Right. Yeah that’d help I guess…
TIP (V.O.)
I was doing so badly at this. I walked over to collect the empty bucket — and there it was, on the bench behind Mombi. The mysterious Powder of Life she’d used that afternoon to create the Pumpkinhead. The most powerful spell I’d ever seen Mombi cast.
I didn’t really know what I was doing at this point. I saw myself reach for the bottle and slip it into my pocket. Then quietly and quickly, I made my way out of the door.
He exits the room, door closing behind him.
EXT. MOMBI’S HOUSE
Tip steps out the door. Jack Pumpkinhead is waiting.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Hi there!
TIP
(jumping)
Ahh!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I’ve been waiting! Just like you said to!
TIP
(whispering)
Shh! Not so loud!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
(whispering)
Sorry. Is this better.
TIP
Yes. No. I don’t care. Excuse me.
He goes past him.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Where are you going?
TIP
I don’t know. I —
(pause)
You’d better come with me, or she might do something to you too.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
We’re going somewhere? Where are we going?
TIP
Just away. We have to get as far away from here as possible.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Why?
TIP
Because I don’t want to be turned into something else.
EXT. GILLIKIN MOUNTAINS
TIP (V.O.)
Winter comes early in the Gillikin mountains, and the snow had already risen up to my knees. I moved as fast as I could away from Mombi’s house, but it was slow going. Even slower with the Pumpkinhead with me.
Jack falls over dramatically.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oops! I fell over.
TIP
Here we go again.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad, can you help me up again please! Dad!
TIP
All right, I’m coming just hold still I’ll — what did you call me?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad.
TIP
Well don’t.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
How about Daddy?
TIP
No!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
But you made me, didn’t you? That’s what you said earlier.
TIP
Technically that’s true but —
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
So you’re my Dad then!
TIP
Please don’t call me that.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What should I call you then?
TIP
My name’s Tip, try Tip.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Tip… No. You’re my Dad. I’m going to call you Dad.
TIP
Look, fine, whatever, just stand up will you.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
And what are you going to call me?
TIP
I’m going to call you all kinds of things if you don’t start trying to stand up.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I need a name, Dad. You can’t just keep calling me Pumpkinhead.
TIP
Why not?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Because … I don’t know. What’s a Pumpkinhead?
TIP
You are. You’re a Pumpkinhead.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
And what am I for?
TIP
It’s for the Jac’acai Festival.
(shouting)
WILL YOU PLEASE STAND UP!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Ok! Ok, you get grumpy when you’re running away from a witch.
He stands up, with Tip’s help.
TIP
There.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What’s a Jac’acai Festival?
TIP
I knew you were going to ask that.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What is it, Dad?
TIP
It’ll take too long to explain.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
It’s ok. I can be patient.
TIP
Since when?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
(whining)
Daaaaad!
TIP
Fine, the Jac’acai…. Jack? Look, you want a name there it is. We’ll call you Jack.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Hooray!
TIP
Jack Pumpkinhead.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oh.
TIP
Suck it up, and keep walking.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Where are we going?
TIP
I don’t know.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
And how long will it take to get there?
TIP
Cut it with the questions, I don’t know!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
You didn’t plan this out very well, did you Dad?
TIP
Shut up. I don’t know what I’m doing I just … we have to keep moving.
VOICE
(whispery voice, inside Tip’s head)
Go to the Emerald City.
TIP
What?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I didn’t say anything. You told me to shut up, Dad.
TIP
I thought I heard…
VOICE
(whispering)
Go to the Emerald City.
TIP
The Emerald City…
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What’s the Emerald City?
TIP
It’s… yeah. Yeah, that’ll work! We’ll go there. Come on Jack Pumpkinhead, we’re heading south!
EXT. CLEARING
TIP (V.O.)
Easier said than done. My newfound son wasn’t built for long term travel. Had I known Mombi was going to bring him to life I might have designed him with a bit more care. I’d have used stronger sticks and reinforced his joints for one thing, not to mention balanced him properly against his giant head. As it was, Jack kept stumbling around, his legs twisting the wrong way, and I was constantly stopping to repair him. And I was very aware that every time we stopped, we ran the risk that Mombi would catch up to us. Cause she had to have known I was missing by now.
One of Jack’s legs crack.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I’m sorry Dad.
TIP
It’s not your fault.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Maybe you need to build me more joints?
TIP
I don’t think we have the time. But we can’t keep going like this.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What if my legs wear out before we get to the Ennerald City?
TIP
(correcting him)
Emerald City. And you’ve got a point. Ok, let’s stop here for a minute, let’s see what I can do.
They stop and Tip starts inspecting Jack Pumpkinhead’s legs.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oooh! That tickles.
TIP
Stop it.
Pause
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad, where are we?
TIP
How should I know? Middle of nowhere.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
With a bench.
TIP
Yes, we’re in the middle of nowhere, with a bench. Hold still.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Odd looking sort of bench.
TIP
You’ve seen many have you?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Well no.
TIP
Then shut up.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Why is there a bench in the middle of nowhere?
TIP
Oh, I don’t know.
(he looks)
It’s cause it’s not a bench, it’s a sawhorse.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Right.
Pause.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD (cont’d)
What’s a —
TIP
A sawhorse is a block of wood on stumps that woodcutters use to cut wood with.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
You read my mind!
TIP
This place was probably a sawmill, once. A long time ago.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Wouldn’t it be good if this was a real horse?
TIP
Sure would be.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I wish it was a real horse.
TIP
If wishes were horses, pumpkins would ride.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Exactly! I could ride the horse to the Emerald City and you wouldn’t have to keep repairing my legs!
TIP
(thinking)
Yes…
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
But I guess it can’t. Cause it’s just made of wood.
TIP
Just like you.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What is it, Dad? Have you fixed my legs?
TIP
No. Jack, move over for a second, let me have a closer look at this thing.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Ok.
He moves up. Tip examines the wood.
TIP
It’s sturdy. The legs are thicker planks than what you’re walking on, that’s for sure. And if you squint, you can kind of imagine it to look like a horse.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
You’re right! This bit up here could be its head! And the little knots there are its eyes.
TIP
And the stick at the back could be a tail. You know what, Jack?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What?
TIP
The thing about magic is that the key ingredient is imagination. Imagining what you want to happen is half the job. Move out of the way.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Why, what are you doing?
TIP
(producing the Powder of Life)
I knew I stole this for a reason.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What’s this?
TIP
The Powder of Life. It’s what Mombi used to bring you to life. And I’m going to do the same to this sawhorse.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
This is so exciting! But can you do it?
TIP
Jack, I have been a witch’s apprentice for as long as I can remember. I think I know a thing or two about casting a transformation spell. Stand back…
He sprinkles the powder all over the horse.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Is it working?
TIP
Got to get as much of it covered with the powder as I can manage. There we go. And now…
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Yeah? Now?
TIP
Now we do the spell. Hope I remember it right. Ahem… Weaugh!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What does that mean, Dad?
TIP
I don’t know, shh! Teaugh!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What’s that?
TIP
It means shut up. Peaugh!
The magic builds, exactly as before. The horse begins to whinny itself into life.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oh, you really are a clever sorcerer, Dad!
TIP
Now we can really get moving!
INT. ARMY CAMP
The Munchkin army are mourning the death of their leader.
TIP (V.O.)
I didn’t think much at the time how easy it was to cast the spell. I was only an apprentice, I knew lots of theory but I can’t do any actual magic. I suppose that was you, helping me bring the Sawhorse to life that night.
VOICE (V.O.)
You could say I had something to do with it.
TIP (V.O.)
I figured.
VOICE (V.O.)
It was becoming obvious that you weren’t getting very far, and I needed you in the Emerald City. The idea was yours though. Do you regret that I stepped in?
TIP (V.O.)
To create the Sawhorse? No, you were right, and he’s been a loyal steed. There’s plenty more I regret since then.
VOICE (V.O.)
Then continue your story, Tip.
TIP (V.O.)
Right. Well, just as Jack and I were about to get moving, things were moving elsewhere in Oz as well. In Munchkinland, General Malik’s followers were learning of the day’s events in the Emerald City.
JINJUR
Dead?!
VICTON
I’m sorry for your loss, Colonel —
JINJUR
Save your pity, Lieutenant, and give me your report.
VICTON
Are you sure you want to know?
JINJUR
I want to know how the Scarecrow killed my father.
VICTON
Beheading, so the reports say. They tried him, and judgement was found to —
JINJUR
That’s ridiculous. Tried under what authority? A straw man king with no more right to sit in that throne than the Wizard before him? What right has he to sign my father’s death warrant?
VICTON
Ma’am, I —
JINJUR
My father is… was… a descendent of Lurline herself. Like the old King Pastoria. He had more right to the Emerald City than any stuffed…
(she takes a resolving breath)
Gather the troops, Victon. We march tonight.
VICTON
Colonel —
JINJUR
No, not Colonel. With my father’s death, I am now the highest ranking member in the Munchkin army, and I am therefore promoted. And my orders are that we march on the Emerald City. Let them know that the Munchkins are under the command of General Jinjur, and we will not tolerate any further interference from the so-called King of Oz.
VICTON
Right away, Ma’am.
He scurries out.
JINJUR
And the Scarecrow will learn to suffer for what he’s done to my family. And once he is gone, we will finally make Oz marvellous!
CLOSING CREDITS