Read the production script for Episode 1 of The Chronicles of Oz: Ozma of Oz. This script may differ slightly from the final released audio.
Episode One
EXT. CLIFFTOP – NIGHT
The wind howls. Rain pours. Far below the cliff the ocean crashes and lets out its rage. It’s the most dramatic of dramatic storms you can imagine.
KING EVOLDO staggers up the path. He’s old, he’s tired and is muttering to himself, incoherently. He approaches the edge of the cliff and yells into the wind.
KING EVOLDO
Are you happy now! Are you glad that you’ve taken everything! Take it all from me, I deserve it! Here! Take my golden key too!
He throws a key off the cliff and it spins away into the night.
From behind him approaches NANDA, the King’s dutiful servant. She’s also highly emotional.
NANDA
King Evoldo! My Lord, please come back from the edge!
KING EVOLDO
Nanda?
NANDA
Please, my Lord!
KING EVOLDO
I can’t do it any more, Nanda. I can’t go on.
NANDA
You must. For the sake of the kingdom. Ev needs you.
KING EVOLDO
I have failed Ev.
NANDA
No, you haven’t —
KING EVOLDO
I have failed Ev, I have failed my family, and now I must pay for my failures. In blood.
NANDA
No!
KING EVOLDO
Stop trying to stop me, Nanda.
NANDA
Ending your life will not bring them back. And if they were ever to return, they would be too distraught to —
KING EVOLDO
They will never come back to Ev. My family is gone. Forever. They are the prisoners of the Nome King, and it’s… it’s all my fault.
He breaks down.
NANDA
I… I know, my Lord. But —
KING EVOLDO
The only way I can appease my guilt is to end my life. It’s more than I deserve.
NANDA
(desperate)
And then who will rule in your place? What will become of the land of Ev?
KING EVOLDO
(faltering)
I…
NANDA
The only one left is Langwidere. And you know what she will do to Ev if she takes the throne.
KING EVOLDO
(new resolve)
That is no longer my concern.
NANDA
Have you no concern for your people, my Lord?
KING EVOLDO
How can I have any concern for my people when I had none for my family? Huh?
(Pause. Nanda has no answer)
Goodbye, Nanda.
NANDA
No stop, I’m begging you, don’t do this!
KING EVOLDO
Pray for my soul. For I am certain it is destined for eternal damnation!
NANDA
My Lord! My Lord, no!!!!
King Evoldo leaps into the air and into the sea. He screams all the way down.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. THRONE ROOM
Ozma starts one of her voice overs.
OZMA (V.O.)
Once upon a time, when the world was freshly made and sparkling new, there lived a troupe of powerful fairies that travelled the Earth spreading their magic and doing good. And the leader of the fairies was Queen Lurline.
One day, as the fairies explored the great continent of Nonestica, they found themselves crossing a great desert. So vast were the shifting sands that they soon grew weary, for even fairies must rest from time to time. But to the fairies’ dismay, they found that they could not land, for the sands had been bewitched by Nomes and would turn anyone to dust who would dare to set foot on them.
But Queen Lurline was not one to be defeated. She created a single emerald jewel from the air and planted it on the deadly sand. And from that one seed a magical country grew, with trees and mountains and magics and wonders of all colours of the rainbow. She declared the land a fairyland (as fairies are wont to do) and her group were able to rest a while, and bask in its marvellousness.
But the fairies soon grew bored and expressed a desire to continue on their way. So Queen Lurline, not wishing to abandon the magic land entirely, left one fairy to care for it. A baby fairy who was called Ozma. And she named the land ‘Oz’ in the baby’s honour.
And so the band of fairies flew away, leaving Ozma — later known as Ozma the First — to build the foundations of the marvellous land of Oz.
OMBY AMBY
And what are you going to do, Princess Ozma?
Hard cut to the Throne Room proper, where Ozma and OMBY AMBY are having an animated discussion. JACK PUMPKINHEAD is in front of them, attempting to hang a large painting.
OZMA
A little to the left please, Jack.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Ok, Dad.
OMBY AMBY
Your Highness —
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad, which way is —
OZMA
Left is still that way.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Thank you.
OMBY AMBY
Your Highness, I asked you a question.
OZMA
Did you? Oh yes. Well I’ll be trying not to fall out of my chariot, naturally. Making sure my tiara sits properly, practising my wave —
OMBY AMBY
That’s not what I mean —
OZMA
I’ll be performing the duties all monarchs are supposed to perform. Just, you know, further afield.
(a beat)
Ok, Jack, now you’re too far left, go the other way.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Sorry Dad.
OZMA
It’s ok, Jack.
OMBY AMBY
But you have duties here. In Oz. In the Emerald City. And I don’t mean directing your Pumpkinhead to hang a picture.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
It’s a very important picture, Mr Amby!
OMBY AMBY
It’s a thoroughly unimportant picture, and your Highness —
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
It’s a magic picture!
OZMA
Well, not yet, but it will be. Concentrate, Jack, you’re hanging it crooked.
OMBY AMBY
My Lady —
OZMA
Omby, I’ve done all I can for Oz right now. I’m very confident I can leave the day to day running of the country in your capable hands.
OMBY AMBY
But —
OZMA
And meanwhile our neighbours have asked for our help.
OMBY AMBY
Our neighbours can sort themselves out, quite frankly.
OZMA
Where’s your charitable spirit?
OMBY AMBY
It died a painful death the day someone from outside of Oz turned up and started killing rulers.
OZMA
She only killed the bad ones. Omby, it’s time we opened our borders. Oz has been cut off from the rest of the world for far too long. Between the Wizard’s inward-looking policies, then the dramas in Munchkinland —
OMBY AMBY
Exactly! Dramas that have not yet ceased.
OZMA
The war is long over. You saw to that personally, if I remember.
OMBY AMBY
We have yet to establish a stable government in Munchkinland, my Lady.
OZMA
Didn’t you send our best expert there to help with that?
OMBY AMBY
Yes, I did.
OZMA
And he hasn’t managed to irritate the whole population yet, has he?
OMBY AMBY
Not yet, but he’s well on his way. Did you read the latest report from the Woggle Bug?
(he pulls out a paper)
He wants to establish a new title for the role of Munchkin leader.
OZMA
Well ‘Wicked Witch of the East’ probably doesn’t poll well.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
(straining under the picture)
Dad…
OMBY AMBY
He wants to call it a ‘mayor’ instead.
OZMA
Mayor of the Munchkin City?
OMBY AMBY
In the county of the land of Oz, yes.
OZMA
I’m… sure he knows what he’s doing.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Uhhh, Dad…
OMBY AMBY
And when he inevitably proves that he doesn’t, and single handedly starts another revolution, that’s when we’re going to need our Queen.
OZMA
(correcting him)
Princess.
OMBY AMBY
Sorry, your Highness.
OZMA
I’m not queen until I’m crowned, remember.
OMBY AMBY
Pretty sure that’s not how it works, my Lady.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Daaad, I’m going to drop the painting!
OZMA
Oh, sorry Jack. Yes, that’s a good spot, let’s put it there.
OMBY AMBY
Why does he keep calling you ‘Dad’?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Because she is my Dad!
OZMA
Don’t fight it, it’s not worth the headache. And anyway, that’s why I should definitely go to Ev.
OMBY AMBY
Because the Pumpkinhead calls you Dad?
OZMA
So I can prove I can be a monarch with some oomph in her.
(a beat)
Seriously, Omby, you’ve got the Emerald City under control, the Woggle Bug will be setting up the Munchkin government for ages, and we’re crisis-free for the first time in a year. There’s no better time for a royal tour.
OMBY AMBY
Responding to a vague distress call from across the desert. We don’t even know if it’s genuine. Nobody’s heard from the royal family of Ev for generations.
OZMA
Nobody’s heard from any of our foreign neighbours for generations, the Wizard cut off all contact.
OMBY AMBY
And what about the danger?
OZMA
What danger? Ev is just across the desert.
OMBY AMBY
The Deadly Desert. How do you propose to cross that?
OZMA
Oh, Glinda’s arranged something, it’s brilliant!
OMBY AMBY
And that’s not the only danger that could await you. What if —
OZMA
Oh, what if, what if, I hate what ifs! Anything could happen out there. That’s the point! That’s why I have to go!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad! I’m done! I’ve hung your picture!
OZMA
Very good job, Jack! It looks splendid.
OMBY AMBY
It’s a painting. It’s hardly a great piece of art.
OZMA
It will be, once I’m finished with it.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
What are you going to do?
OZMA
Tap into some fairy magic. Let me concentrate.
She puts her hands on the painting, and magic builds. Ozma strains trying to manifest her power, but it drains away.
OZMA (cont’d)
Dammit!
OMBY AMBY
What were you supposed to do?
OZMA
Make it into a visual portal so I could see… it doesn’t matter, it didn’t work. I just can’t seem to access fairy magic like I should.
OMBY AMBY
Maybe you just don’t have enough power?
OZMA
Tip could do it. Sort of. When we shared a head we could do teleports and transformations and not to mention the Powder of Life —
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
But you are Tip, I thought?
OZMA
Apparently not as much as I thought I was.
OMBY AMBY
Then how can you possibly consider leaving the safety of the Emerald City? If the one advantage you have — that you’re a descendant of a fairy queen — if that isn’t working for you?
OZMA
It’ll be fine, Omby. And I’m not going alone, am I? I’ll have help!
OMBY AMBY
Oh?
There’s a crash on the other side of the nearest door.
TIN WOODMAN
(outside)
Scarecrow!
SCARECROW
(outside)
Sorry!
LION
(outside)
That statue was an antique!
TIN WOODMAN
(outside)
Ozma’s going to kill you when she sees you’ve broken it!
SCARECROW
(outside)
It’ll be fine. I’ll just put this bit up here and —
More crashing.
LION
(outside)
For Lurline’s sake, Scarecrow, stop touching it.
TIN WOODMAN
(outside)
Give it to me, I’ll fix it.
SCARECROW
(outside)
You’re such a worry wart, it’ll be — oops.
Another crash.
OZMA
See? What could possibly go wrong?
EXT. PALACE GARDENS – DAY
It’s a bright sunny day. An expectant crowd has gathered to see Ozma off on her journey. The Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Lion cross towards Ozma’s chariot.
SCARECROW
Oh look! There’s a crowd!
TIN WOODMAN
So observant.
LION
Do you think they’re here to see Princess Ozma off on her journey?
TIN WOODMAN
No, Lion, there’s a half price sale on statue repair and they don’t want to miss out.
LION
Really?
SCARECROW
I said I’d pay for the statue. Do you think Ozma was mad?
TIN WOODMAN
Ozma doesn’t get mad.
LION
Omby Amby was mad though.
TIN WOODMAN
Omby Amby was turning sixteen shades of purple.
SCARECROW
I’m used to him being irritated with me. I used to be his boss you know.
TIN WOODMAN
Yes, we know.
LION
Yes, we know.
SCARECROW
I’ve mentioned it before, have I?
LION
Once or twice.
TIN WOODMAN
An hour.
LION
You were King of Oz. We get it.
TIN WOODMAN
Move on.
SCARECROW
Fine, fine. Be like that. You see how you feel when you’re in charge of a big city.
TIN WOODMAN
We are.
LION
King of the Forest.
TIN WOODMAN
Emperor of the Winkies.
SCARECROW
Great. Rub it in. Thanks.
Pause
LION
Ozma’s taking her time.
TIN WOODMAN
You’re eager to hit the road, eh?
LION
Well it’s not like I’ve had an adventure in a while. You lot left me out of the last one.
SCARECROW
We didn’t mean to, Lion.
TIN WOODMAN
Yes, we’re so terribly sorry we didn’t include you when we were attacked by Munchkins and fleeing for our lives on a flying couch.
LION
And so you should be.
SCARECROW
But you’re here for this one! The three of us, together again! Just like the old days!
TIN WOODMAN
Only without… well you know.
LION
Yeah, it would have been nice to have Dorothy here too.
Ozma approaches, with Omby Amby.
OZMA
Well I’m afraid I can’t manage that. But you can have me, if you like.
TIN WOODMAN
Your Highness.
OZMA
Look at all those people! For me?
OMBY AMBY
Of course, my Lady.
LION
No, there’s a half-price sale on statue repair.
TIN WOODMAN
Lion!
OZMA
(to the crowd)
Hello everyone!
(to the others)
Are we all ready for an adventure?
SCARECROW
You bet!
LION
Whenever you’re ready, my Lady.
OMBY AMBY
Your Highness, please —
OZMA
Omby, for the last time, stop fussing. We. Will. Be. Fine.
OMBY AMBY
Famous last words.
SCARECROW
It’s ok, Ozma. He didn’t like me running away from the Emerald City either.
OZMA
Fussy old fusspot.
OMBY AMBY
Look, I may be a fussy old fusspot, but at least I have the well-being of the Ozian people at heart.
Jack rushes up.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Dad! Dad! You left me behind with the Magic Picture!
OZMA
Jack! You didn’t think I’d go without saying goodbye to you?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
I wish I was going on the adventure with you.
OZMA
Well… there’s no reason why you couldn’t…
TIN WOODMAN
No!
LION
Uh-uh.
SCARECROW
Are you crazy, Ozma? You remember last time!
OZMA
Ahh… look, Jack, I really need you to stay here and look after Omby Amby. Don’t I, Omby?
OMBY AMBY
I — but he —
OZMA
Don’t I, Omby?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Oh, Mr Amby, we’re going to have so much fun together! We’ll walk around the Palace! And see all the shops! And play quoits!
OMBY AMBY
Maybe I can leave you with Faramant.
OZMA
Whatever works, Omby.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Is this it, Dad? Is this the magic chariot you were telling me about?
OZMA
Sure is. Another one of Glinda’s little creations.
TIN WOODMAN
I was wondering how you were going to get us across the Deadly Desert without us turning into dust.
SCARECROW
I was hoping you were going to make us another flying Gump.
OZMA
Not this time, Scarecrow.
TIN WOODMAN
Is it self-driving?
OZMA
Not quite. It has to be pulled.
SCARECROW
By what?
From behind the chariot whinnies the SAWHORSE.
SCARECROW (cont’d)
Oh.
TIN WOODMAN
That thing?
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
It’s the Sawhorse!
OMBY AMBY
Oh, now I do have to object.
SCARECROW
What, don’t you like the Sawhorse, Omby?
OMBY AMBY
I had hoped we’d not be dealing with that thing again, yes.
SCARECROW
Me too, if I’m honest.
LION
It doesn’t look so bad, for a wooden horse.
SCARECROW
You didn’t have to ride it.
OZMA
Are you all going to complain like this the whole trip? We’re going to have an adventure! Let’s get excited! All aboard, gentlemen!
LION
(climbing onto the chariot)
Well I’m excited, aren’t you?
TIN WOODMAN
It’s going to be a long journey if we’re doing this by land. There’s a lot of desert between us and Ev.
SCARECROW
Well how about we sing some cheery songs to make the time go faster? I’ll start. ‘Weeeeeeeee’re OFF TO –‘
TIN WOODMAN
On second thoughts, I think should stay behind.
OZMA
Too late, we’re ready to go.
(to the crowd)
Farewell my people! We’re off to the Land of Ev to assist our royal cousins in their time of great need!
The crowd cheers.
OMBY AMBY
Good luck, your Highness!
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
Have a great time, Dad!
OZMA
Look after my city for me, you two.
(to Sawhorse)
Sawhorse! Take us away!
The Sawhorse whinnies and drags the chariot away at top speed.
LION
Holy Lurline!
SCARECROW
I told you it was fast!
LION
I wanna go home!!!!
Everyone yelps and screams as it zooms away.
JACK PUMPKINHEAD
(shouting after them)
Bye Dad! Bye Sawhorse and Scarecrow and Tin Man and Lion! Have fun!
EXT. CHARIOT
The chariot zooms through the streets, the Sawhorse clacking along ahead of it. Crowds line the streets cheering them as the royal party pass.
OZMA (V.O.)
I’ll never forget that sight, seeing the Emerald Citizens lining the streets, cheering as I went past. Waving flags, smiling like crazy. I made sure I took the time to appreciate the goodwill of the people. They love their future queen! And I waved back, smiling and happy and… well you know.
SCARECROW
They like me! They really like me?
TIN WOODMAN
They like Ozma, you idiot.
SCARECROW
Are you saying they don’t like me?
TIN WOODMAN
Shut up.
OZMA (V.O.)
So we paraded through the City streets — faster than I’d have liked, but nobody’s been able to slow that Sawhorse down yet. In due course, we passed through the great Western Gate and bade our farewells to the people of the Emerald City.
Once clear of the City, the Sawhorse was finally able to really show us his speed.
The Sawhorse takes off, double speed. The Scarecrow yelps.
LION
(panicked)
Brakes! You forgot to install the brakes!!!
Ozma giggles.
OZMA (V.O.)
We started the trek through Oz, moving north-west across Winkieland. This, of course, gave the Tin Woodman an opportunity to educate us on the finer details of his realm. Sort of.
TIN WOODMAN
That’s a yellow butterfly, it’s wings can provide —
SCARECROW
Where?
TIN WOODMAN
Back there.
SCARECROW
I missed it!
LION
We all missed it.
TIN WOODMAN
How could you miss it? It was right there!
LION
How can you see anything at this speed?
TIN WOODMAN
Well, as I was saying, its wings have magical properties and —
SCARECROW
Should we go back? So the Tin Woodman can show us the butterfly properly?
OZMA
Do you really think we should turn around just for a yellow butterfly, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW
I suppose not.
TIN WOODMAN
I can always show you on our way back.
OZMA
That sounds thrilling.
(she shakes a map in her hand)
Wait, Sawhorse! Veer left here!
TIN WOODMAN
Left?
OZMA
According to the map, if we’re aiming for the desert, we should go left. Keep going straight and we’ll be into the Oogaboo lands.
TIN WOODMAN
You don’t want to take tea with Queen Ann?
OZMA
Do I even need to dignify that with a response?
LION
What’s wrong with the Oogaboo Queen?
SCARECROW
Don’t ask.
OZMA
(shouting)
Sawhorse! I said veer left! Head towards the desert.
LION
I have a bad feeling about this desert.
TIN WOODMAN
You have a bad feeling about everything.
LION
But it’s a Deadly Desert. One touch and we turn to sand.
OZMA
We’ve thought of that.
TIN WOODMAN
Glinda’s magic, you said. But you didn’t say what, or how it’ll work.
SCARECROW
Have you ever known one of Glinda’s spells to go wrong?
LION
There’s always a first time.
OZMA
Look, there we are! Right ahead of us. Sawhorse, slow down!
(a beat)
SAWHORSE!!!
The Sawhorse piles on the brakes. The whole crew react.
LION
Whose idea was that dumb horse anyway?
SCARECROW
It’s a long story. Well, Princess Ozma? What now?
OZMA (V.O.)
I smiled, and pulled out of my pocket a small square of green carpet, no bigger than a handkerchief.
TIN WOODMAN
I’m not one to make jokes about size, Ozma, but I don’t think that’s gonna do the job.
OZMA
It’s not how big it is, it’s where you stick it. And what you whisper to it to make it grow.
TIN WOODMAN
Fine. You make the dirty jokes then.
OZMA
(whispering)
Rinky-tinky-little-pinky-woop!
The carpet square glows with magical energy
OZMA (V.O.)
To the boys’ amazement, the square shimmered and glistened with magic. It hovered in the air above my palm, then whooshed away, growing and transforming until it became a long green carpet, unrolling itself ahead of us into the Deadly Desert. It placed itself at the Sawhorse’s feet, inviting it to step aboard.
SCARECROW
Well, good work Glinda!
LION
Is it going to be long enough to stretch all the way from here to Ev?
OZMA
It’ll roll along underneath us as we go. Come on, Sawhorse, it’s ok. Step onto the magic carpet.
The Sawhorse whinnies.
LION
I don’t blame it to be honest.
OZMA
Sawhorse, come on. Just think how much you can run when you get into that open desert.
The Sawhorse whinnies again and steps forward.
OZMA (V.O.)
Tentatively, the Sawhorse took its first steps onto the magic carpet. And to everyone’s surprise, nothing happened.
SCARECROW
It worked!
TIN WOODMAN
We didn’t turn into dust!
LION
Can I open my eyes now?
Ozma giggles. The Sawhorse whinnies again in excitement and rushes away with the chariot, faster than ever.
OZMA (V.O.)
With no roads, or trees, or innocent bystanders around to get in its way, the Sawhorse was able — for the first time in its life — to run at full speed. The crazy wooden horse sped across the Deadly Desert at full pelt. And the four of us settled into the back of the chariot, laughing and enjoying the brilliant weather and the start of a new adventure.
A girl, a scarecrow, a tin man and a lion, travelling together to visit a mysterious monarch in a strange land. Sound familiar at all?
EXT. BEACH – DAY
The ocean crashes on the surf as oceans are wont to do. In the distance we hear the approach of the chariot. Soon followed by the yells and cries of the Tin Woodman.
TIN WOODMAN
Stop! Stop, Ozma! Stop the horse!
OZMA
What is it?
TIN WOODMAN
Dead ahead! Look! Water!
OZMA
Sawhorse, whoah!
The Chariot skids to a halt on the beach. Pause.
SCARECROW
That’s… a lot of water all right.
LION
I’ve never seen a lake this huge before.
OZMA
It’s not a lake, Lion. That’s… that’s the ocean.
LION
The what?
SCARECROW
No way!
TIN WOODMAN
I knew we were covering a lot of desert but, damn…
SCARECROW
I’ve never seen an ocean before.
OZMA
None of us have.
SCARECROW
I didn’t think it would be so… so big.
LION
It just goes on and on, doesn’t it.
OZMA
(shaking the map)
According to the Woggle Bug’s map, I believe this stretch of water is called ‘Baffin’s Bay’.
SCARECROW
Ahh. Hoorah for Baffin’s Bay.
TIN WOODMAN
Right.
LION
Do we… need a boat?
OZMA
No… No, we head down the beach that way. We’re on the borders of Ev. Look, up over that dune there’s grass.
SCARECROW
So we’ve crossed the desert?
OZMA
Looks like.
SCARECROW
Oh wow!
TIN WOODMAN
Can… look can we get a move on? I know it’s over there but all that water makes me nervous.
OZMA
Don’t you think we should rest for a while? We’ve come such a long way already.
TIN WOODMAN
Have I mentioned what water does to me?
OZMA
Sawhorse, would you like a break?
The Sawhorse whinnies.
SCARECROW
He’s like us, Ozma. He doesn’t need rest.
OZMA
Well I’d like a rest from the travelling. I’m starting to see things.
SCARECROW
You are?
OZMA
Yes. I thought I saw a crate or something about a mile that way down the coast.
SCARECROW
That’s not impossible. It might have fallen off a boat and washed ashore.
LION
Maybe a bird dropped it?
SCARECROW
A big bird, like a Jackdaw!
TIN WOODMAN
Does it matter? Can we just go, please?
OZMA
Fine. Sawhorse, bring us up over to the grassy hill there. Let’s put all this sand behind us.
The Sawhorse whinnies in response and drags them off.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD
The chariot moves from sand to grass and comes to a halt. Everyone climbs out of the chariot.
SCARECROW
Look, back over there! The desert stretches back almost as far as the ocean does!
LION
Imagine how quick our trip would have been if we’d had this chariot when we first met.
TIN WOODMAN
It’d be fun getting this thing over the river.
SCARECROW
We could have just jumped over it, probably. No need for that raft.
TIN WOODMAN
Don’t talk to me about that raft.
SCARECROW
I nearly drowned on that thing you know.
LION
You nearly drowned? You weren’t the one who actually got into the river.
SCARECROW
I got stuck on a pole though! Remember the pole?
TIN WOODMAN
We all remember the pole.
OZMA
But you survived.
SCARECROW
Only cause of Dorothy. Talking that Storkguard into rescuing me.
TIN WOODMAN
And then she did that thing. You know with the —
LION
With her forehead and the ‘zing!’
SCARECROW
And the Storkguard was all ‘ahhhhh!’
TIN WOODMAN
And she was all ‘Tell the Wizard I’m coming to see him!’
The three laugh at the memory. Ozma doesn’t.
OZMA
Yeah. Good old Dorothy. She sounds brilliant. Is anyone else hungry?
SCARECROW
I’m a —
OZMA
Yes, I know, you two don’t eat. Lion?
LION
I’m good, thanks.
OZMA
I think I already ate what Omby packed for us… I wonder if there’s any natural sustenance around here?
She walks off to look.
TIN WOODMAN
Natural sustenance? What’s she going to eat, berries? Ozma, wait until we get to Castle Ev.
LION
Hey, can you see that?
SCARECROW
What?
LION
Back over there on the sand. Those markings. Is it… are they words?
TIN WOODMAN
How would you even write words on a Deadly Desert?
SCARECROW
Very carefully. Lion, your eyes are better than mine —
LION
Cause they’re painted on.
SCARECROW
— cause they’re painted on, yes. You should be able to read them better than any of us.
LION
It says…
(sounding out)
Beeeee…ware… Beware the… Wheelers.
Pause
TIN WOODMAN
Well, what’s a Wheeler?
EXT. DINNER PAIL FIELD – DAY
Further away from the coastline, several trees stand in the breeze.
OZMA (V.O.)
Still hungry, I made my way further inland towards a field of strangely shaped trees, where I thought there must be some sort of natural food. I didn’t really want to meet the King of Ev with a rumbly tummy of course. No doubt he’d throw us a big banquet upon our arrival, but for now, roughing it would have to do.
The first few trees I found weren’t that interesting — cotton-wood, eucalyptus and so on. But then two large trees caught my eye. One was covered with square paper boxes, growing in clusters from every branch. Some of them were tiny and green, but there were other bigger ones, turning orange. And on the biggest and reddest of the boxes I could see the word ‘Lunch’ written, in neat raised letters.
OZMA
A lunch tree?
OZMA (V.O.)
The tree next to it was similar, only it bore tin containers with ‘dinner’ written on them, They were so full and heavy the branches bent under their weight. Both trees had leaves that were napkins.
OZMA
I have a feeling we’re not in Oz anymore…
OZMA (V.O.)
I reached up to the lunch tree — obviously it was still a bit early for dinner — and noticed a couple of snapped branches. Someone had eaten at this tree before.
OZMA
Well if I’m not the only one eating here, it must be safe right? Nothing ventured, Ozma…
She breaks off a lunch-box and opens it up.
SCARECROW
(from afar)
Ozma! Yoo-hoo! What’s a Wheeler?
OZMA
(mouth full of food)
Huh?
The Tin Woodman, Scarecrow and Lion approach.
TIN WOODMAN
Have you ever heard of a Wheeler?
OZMA
It’s like a horseless chariot thing, isn’t it? Like the Wizard tried to invent a few years ago.
LION
Well, makes sense to beware of them I guess.
OZMA
Huh?
TIN WOODMAN
Just a warning we found. What are you doing?
OZMA
Lunch.
TIN WOODMAN
Lunch?!
OZMA
From this tree, look! It’s brilliant. It’s got a ham sandwich, a bit of sponge cake, a slice of cheese and an apple. Oh, and a pickle. Anyone want a pickle?
TIN WOODMAN
You just picked a random lunch-box off a tree and started eating it?
OZMA
Well, not the pickle, no. Hate pickles.
TIN WOODMAN
You’re going to make yourself sick. How do you even know if it’s ripe?
LION
You can make yourself sick by eating green things, you know
OZMA
Of course it’s ripe! Doesn’t that look right to you? Not at all green.
(a beat)
Well, except the pickle, that has to be green. Seriously, someone take the pickle or I’m just throwing it away.
From afar is a horrid screech. Wheels rushing on stone coming closer.
WHEELER 1
(from afar)
Thieves! Thieves!
OZMA
Ok, ok, I’ll eat the pickle!
SCARECROW
I don’t like the sound of this.
TIN WOODMAN
Me neither.
LION
They’re the Wheelers!
SCARECROW
How do you know they’re the Wheelers?
LION
What else could they be?
TIN WOODMAN
We’re about to find out. Get behind me, Ozma!
Ozma scurries behind the Tin Woodman as the Wheelers rush up, screeching all the way.
WHEELER 1
Thief! Thief!
WHEELER 2
You’re thieving, thieving thieves, all of you!
SCARECROW
We are not! We haven’t stolen anything!
WHEELER 3
Have too! Have too!
OZMA (V.O.)
I peered around the Tin Woodman to get a better look at the creatures. They were like men, except they walked — well, rolled — on all fours. Their legs were the same length as their arms, so they looked like wild beasts. They wore bright embroidered clothing and straw hats and — oh yeah — they had wheels for hands and feet! I don’t mean they held on to wheels or had skates on, their arms extended down into round spinning castors that they used to quickly encircle us.
The Wheelers begin to rotate around the four of them, every time they speak coming from a different side.
TIN WOODMAN
What are we supposed to have stolen?
WHEELER 1
Don’t deny it!
WHEELER 3
You can’t deny it!
WHEELER 2
We saw you, we saw you!
TIN WOODMAN
I say again, what do you think we’ve stolen?
WHEELER 1
Not you — her!
OZMA
Me? I haven’t stolen anything either!
SCARECROW
Well there was the Powder of Life, and —
OZMA
That was Tip! Don’t encourage them!
TIN WOODMAN
Answer me! What are you accusing her of?
WHEELER 2
She stole! She stole!
LION
I’m getting a bit sick of this.
SCARECROW
They’re making me dizzy.
OZMA
Leave us alone. I am Princess Ozma, a stranger in your country and we have done you no harm.
WHEELER 1
No harm!? No harm!?
WHEELER 3
Did you not pick our lunch-boxes and dinner pails?
WHEELER 2
Have you not a stolen lunch-box in your hand?
OZMA
(meekly)
I… I only took one.
WHEELER 1
No excuse!
WHEELER 2
No excuse!
WHEELER 3
It is forbidden to pick dinner-pails and lunch-boxes!
OZMA
I was hungry! I didn’t know they were yours!
WHEELER 3
No excuse!
WHEELER 1
It’s the law!
WHEELER 2
Anyone who picks a lunch-box without permission must die!
WHEELER 1
Must die!
WHEELER 3
Must die!
TIN WOODMAN
Good work, Ozma.
OZMA
How was I to know?
SCARECROW
Don’t believe them, your Highness. I doubt the trees belong to these creatures. They’re fit for mischief and probably would try to kill us anyway.
The Wheelers screech with hilarity.
OZMA
Thanks. That makes me feel much better.
SCARECROW
Really?
OZMA
No!
TIN WOODMAN
I’d like to see them try and hurt you.
He swings his axe. The Wheelers laugh.
WHEELER 1
Axes can’t hurt us.
WHEELER 2
Nothing can hurt us.
WHEELER 3
You should see what we did to the last little girl who stole from us.
WHEELER 1
You should see! You should see!
WHEELER 2
And her little bird too!
TIN WOODMAN
(action hero)
I ain’t no bird.
The Tin Woodman goes into battle, swinging his axe at the Wheelers, who start howling.
SCARECROW
Stay with me, Ozma, I’ll protect you!
OZMA
With what? You’re made of straw!
TIN WOODMAN
Stand still, you little punks!
LION
He’s not winning, is he?
SCARECROW
Lion, maybe you should… you know.
LION
Good idea.
The Lion takes a deep breath and gives one of his tremendous roars. The Wheelers stop howling then immediately take fright.
WHEELER 3
Run away!
WHEELER 2
Run away! Run away!
TIN WOODMAN
Oh no you don’t, get back here!
The Tin Woodman reaches out and grabs Wheeler 1 by the leg, and he comes crashing down onto the ground. The remaining Wheelers flee.
OZMA
Nice work, Lion.
LION
It was nothing. These things are easily scared off.
TIN WOODMAN
And easily caught.
WHEELER 1
Let go of me, let go of me.
TIN WOODMAN
Not until you tell me why you were sent here.
SCARECROW
You don’t think they’re just bandits?
TIN WOODMAN
I doubt it.
SCARECROW
Highway robbers do exist you know, even in Oz.
TIN WOODMAN
Yeah, but I’m playing a hunch. Come on, spill. Who’s your boss? The King? Who’s sending you out here to kill anyone who touches these trees?
WHEELER 1
Nobody. Wheelers work alone.
TIN WOODMAN
You can do better than that.
OZMA
He could be telling the truth.
TIN WOODMAN
He’s not. Have a look at the bottom of that lunch box if you don’t believe me.
OZMA
What?
TIN WOODMAN
Just turn it over, what do you see?
OZMA
It’s… Oh.
LION
What is it?
OZMA
A letter ‘E’. It’s stamped on.
TIN WOODMAN
They’re on all the lunch boxes on this tree. It’s the royal mark of the House of Ev.
LION
They’re royal property?
TIN WOODMAN
So I really doubt these guys are guarding these tress out of patriotic duty alone. So, I’ll ask one more time and then I start hacking off wheels. Why is the King of Ev sending you to protect these trees?
WHEELER 1
The King? No, not the King, the king is dead! It is the Princess!
OZMA
Princess? But King Evoldo rules Ev, doesn’t he? How has he let a —
WHEELER 1
Evoldo is dead. Long live the Princess!
TIN WOODMAN
Which princess, Wheeler?
WHEELER 1
L…L.. Langwidere!
Pause
SCARECROW
Princess Langwidere?
LION
I’ve never heard of her, have you Scarecrow?
SCARECROW
No.
WHEELER 1
(getting frantic)
She’s the dead king’s closest relation. She’s the only one left. Let me go!
OZMA
Only one left? What happened to the Queen? The Prince? The Royal Family?
WHEELER 1
Let me go, let me go!
TIN WOODMAN
Answer her!
WHEELER 1
They’re lost! Lost! Lost to the Nome King.
Dramatic moment.
OZMA
I had no idea things were so bad here.
LION
Who’s the Nome King?
OZMA
I’ve only heard stories, but if he’s responsible for killing the entire royal family… We need to get to the capital of Ev. Right away.
SCARECROW
Isn’t that where we’re going?
OZMA
Yes, and we haven’t any more time to lose. Let him go, Tin Woodman, we’ve learned all we can.
TIN WOODMAN
As you wish.
He releases the Wheeler and he scampers off.
WHEELER 1
(rolling away)
You’ll never survive! Langwidere will get you! She always gets you!
He screams in hilarity, fading into the distance.
SCARECROW
Charming fellow.
LION
I don’t like the sound of this Princess.
OZMA
Me neither. Which is why I want to meet her for myself. Back to the chariot, everyone! She’s about to get a royal visit!
EXT. EVNA STREETS – DAY
The Chariot rolls along the streets towards Castle Ev. Ozma narrates.
OZMA (V.O.)
We ordered the Sawhorse to carry us onward through Ev, through the forests and out the other side where we soon came into Evna, the capital city of Ev. As we made our way down the streets of the city, a question soon came to our attention.
LION
Where is everyone?
SCARECROW
Maybe it’s a holiday?
TIN WOODMAN
You’d think with a holiday everyone would be out celebrating.
SCARECROW
Maybe it’s not a holiday. Everyone’s at work?
LION
Except the shop people. There’s empty merchant stands and… look, there’s an empty tavern. When is a tavern empty?
OZMA
Something’s wrong. I don’t like it.
TIN WOODMAN
That’s why we came here, wasn’t it?
OZMA
I would have expected some sort of reception if nothing else. They invited the Princess of Oz to visit, don’t they roll out a green carpet?
SCARECROW
Good thing we brought our own then, isn’t it?
OZMA
Sawhorse! Take a left here. Follow the signs for Castle Ev. I need to find out who’s actually in charge.
EXT. CASTLE EV GATES
A crowd of people are there, very angry, demanding attention from their ruler.
OZMA (V.O.)
It was at the castle we found out why the streets were deserted. Massing at the giant castle doors was the whole population of Evna. Men, women, children, all standing at the gates, calling and yelling for someone’s attention. They were not happy.
NANDA
(shouting)
Let us in, Langwidere! Open the gates!
The chariot pulls up alongside the crowd.
LION
(to Nanda)
Excuse me? What’s happening?
NANDA
We’re waiting for the Princess.
OZMA
You mean this Langwidere? She’s going to address you?
NANDA
She will if she knows what’s good for her.
(shouting)
Come out and face your people, Langwidere! We’re still your people!
SCARECROW
Excuse me — what’s your name?
NANDA
Nanda.
SCARECROW
Nanda, that’s no way to speak to your ruler.
NANDA
Then maybe our ruler should think about how she speaks to us. I mean, everyone knows she doesn’t want to be in charge. That’s fine. We don’t particularly want her to be in charge either. We’d much rather have King Evoldo back. He was crazy, but the old Queen kept him in check.
OZMA
What happened to Evoldo?
NANDA
Where have you been? Evoldo died months ago! He… he died.
OZMA
What about his family? He had a son, didn’t he?
NANDA
It’s just Langwidere left.
(shouting)
And frankly the Nome King stole the wrong family members!
SCARECROW
Wait, the Nome King stole them?
OZMA
I’m sure the princess is doing everything she can under the circumstances.
NANDA
No. No she’s not. And trust me, I was in there, working in the castle, I’ve seen it all. She sits there, playing house, polishing her heads, doing whatever she can to avoid responsibility. But the rest of us go without. Nobody’s passing judgement. Nobody’s looking at legislation. Hell, nobody’s maintaining the city!
LION
And so you’re bringing that to her attention?
NANDA
Yeah. Look, I’m for the monarchy as much as the next person — but only while they’re for us. And if Langwidere can’t be bothered being in charge, then let her step down and we’ll put someone else there instead.
(shouting)
The Republic of Ev!
The crowd cheers in response.
OZMA
I wonder if Langwidere even knows what’s going on?
SCARECROW
What do you mean?
OZMA
I wonder if it was her that asked us for help? Look, if she’s been thrown into power following a crisis, she probably hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing. She hasn’t been prepared for this or anything. She’s probably terrified.
TIN WOODMAN
You can relate, huh?
OZMA
A bit. Lion, stay here, talk to the Evians.
(quietly)
Distract them while we pop around inside the castle through that side door there.
LION
I’ll do my best.
OZMA
Good luck! Come on guys.
(to the crowd, walking through)
Excuse me, pardon me…
LION
So, Nanda, tell me more about this awful princess then?
INT. EV CASTLE HALL
The door opens, and Ozma, the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman enter.
OZMA
(yelling)
Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?
TIN WOODMAN
(yelling)
There was nobody at the door, so we let ourselves in.
SCARECROW
Hope that was ok!
OZMA
We’re looking for Princess Langwidere! I’m Ozma, I’ve come from Oz to help!
(pause, then quieter)
I think things are even worse than we thought.
SCARECROW
I know. If this is the royal palace, where are the servants? The guards? Where’s their Omby Amby to tell us off for dropping in like this?
TIN WOODMAN
What sort of queen doesn’t have attendants?
SCARECROW
The sort of queen that hasn’t got the love of her people. Maybe they all quit?
TIN WOODMAN
Maybe they all died? Don’t forget, this is the same queen that had people killed over lunch boxes.
OZMA
(shouting)
Hello?!
Pause.
TIN WOODMAN
I like how the Evians decorate their audience chambers.
SCARECROW
You’re not talking about the couches and the artwork are you?
TIN WOODMAN
No.
SCARECROW
You’re talking about the statues of metal people.
TIN WOODMAN
What can I say? The queen has taste.
OZMA
There’s only one metal man statue though.
TIN WOODMAN
Naturally. One doesn’t want to take these things too far, does one? A little bit of class can go a long way.
OZMA
You’re unreal.
SCARECROW
It looks nothing like you, anyway.
TIN WOODMAN
It sorta does.
SCARECROW
It’s made of copper! With keys and things sticking out of it.
TIN WOODMAN
Well it’s not like Langwidere is going to make actual statues of me for real is she?
SCARECROW
There’s writing on it. Lemme just…
(reading)
‘Smith and Tinker’s Patent Double-Action, Extra-Responsible, Thought-Creating, Perfect-Talking Mechanical Man –‘
LANGWIDERE enters. She’s got a theatrical, pretentious, OTT head on. Everything she says is grand and dramatic, and loud. The others jump as she enters!
LANGWIDERE
Oh, my darling, darling Princess Ozma! How are you my darling friend, my dear!
OZMA
Princess Langwidere, I presume?
LANGWIDERE
Yes, my dear, it has been far too long.
OZMA
We… haven’t met.
LANGWIDERE
Kiss Kiss, darling!
She leans in for theatrical air kisses.
OZMA
Oh, right. Ah, these are my associates, the Scarecrow, and Emperor of the Winkies the Tin Woodman.
LANGWIDERE
Charmed I’m sure…
(she eyes off the Tin Woodman)
Tin Woodman. I see. How very… very shiny you are, my dear.
TIN WOODMAN
Ah, thank you. I guess.
LANGWIDERE
(dripping in innuendo)
You have a very impressive axe there, Mr Woodman. Do you… polish it daily?
SCARECROW
(completely innocently)
Oh, he’s always cleaning the thing. Polishing it up every day — twice a day sometimes, if he’s been busy that morning.
LANGWIDERE
My, what a man!
OZMA
Ahh, is everything ok your Highness? I can’t help but notice you’re alone in here. What happened to your servants?
LANGWIDERE
Servants? Oh yes, I used to have those at one point, didn’t I?
(yelling)
Nanda! Nanda are you there?
(quiet)
I guess she wandered off.
SCARECROW
I think we met her outside. You know, with the… revolutionary crowds?
LANGWIDERE
Oh?
OZMA
Langwidere, you don’t have any idea what’s happening right outside your doors, do you?
LANGWIDERE
Why would I want to look out there, darling? Goodness me, no. Please, allow me to show you more of inside my castle. You must have a tour!
TIN WOODMAN
Well, actually, we wanted to know why you asked for help from the Emerald City.
SCARECROW
And why your Wheelers are trying to kill people at the border.
LANGWIDERE
Yes! A tour! Please, Tin Woodman, allow me to take your arm so that I can better escort you through my little world!
TIN WOODMAN
I … oh, hang on. Sorry, just need to pick this up.
(he bends down and up again)
A feather, your Highness. Don’t want to leave that on the floor, someone might trip.
LANGWIDERE
(uncertainly)
Ah, yes, a feather, please pay no attention to it, silly things.
TIN WOODMAN
You keep many chickens in your palace?
LANGWIDERE
Chickens? What chickens? Who said anything about chickens, I haven’t seen any chickens in months!
TIN WOODMAN
I just mean because it’s a chicken feather.
LANGWIDERE
Oh…. Oh, is it! Such… such a wise mind you have my Emperor. Ooh, I can see we’re going to have to keep an eye on you! Please, come along, I am eager to have many discussions with you!
TIN WOODMAN
Your Highness, I think we need to —
OZMA
Let her give us a tour, Tin Woodman. Indulge her and we might get some answers later.
TIN WOODMAN
If you say so.
LANGWIDERE
Wonderful! Now, as you see through here, these fabulous arches were designed by King Evring the Second back in the fourth dynasty…
She leads the Tin Woodman away.
OZMA
Coming, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW
Hmm? Oh, you go ahead. I’m going to keep looking at this statue. I have an idea.
TIN WOODMAN
(from the other room)
Uh-oh.
SCARECROW
(shouting)
Shut up!
OZMA
Ok. We’ll probably circle back later. You have fun.
She heads off. Scarecrow ponders the statue.
SCARECROW
(reading)
‘Mechanical Man. Fitted with our Special Clock-Work Attachment. Thinks, Speaks, Acts, and does everything but live’ Oh that’s so sad! And it doesn’t even look like it’s living right now. Wonder if I should wind it back up again? Oh look, there’s some more instructions down here…
EXT. EVNA STREETS
The Lion is talking to Nanda.
NANDA
You have no idea how bad it was in there. The things she’s doing. She’s not connected to the outside world at all! She just lives in her own little heads doing… doing whatever she wants.
LION
Heads? Plural? She has more than one head?
NANDA
Didn’t you know?
LION
No I… what’s she doing, Nanda? Who is that princess?
NANDA
I’ve told you everything.
LION
No you haven’t. I can see it in your face, you’re holding something back. What aren’t you telling me?
NANDA
I’ve seen things, Mister Lion. She’s… even I can’t talk about it. Not even now.
LION
Nanda, if you don’t tell me, how can we —
The crowd start reacting to something, cutting him off.
LION (cont’d)
What’s going on?
NANDA
Oh goodness… I thought she’d killed her.
LION
I think I can see… is there someone in the window?
NANDA
Langwidere can’t even get that right. If you’re going to kidnap someone, don’t put them in a window-facing cell.
LION
Kidnap? Nanda, you have to tell me what’s going on. Who’s in that tower?
He trails off. From high above he can hear a voice calling down. It’s faint — we can’t quite work out who it is.
DISTANT VOICE
(faintly)
Lion! Lion it’s me! It’s me.
LION
No way…
INT. EV CASTLE HALL
The Scarecrow continues to operate the controls of the mechanical man.
SCARECROW
Right, if I’ve read this thing correctly, then that must be his thinking mechanism wound up. Now for the key under his right arm for his speaking.
The Scarecrow winds up the other key. The robot starts to whirr and tick into life. It is, of course, TIK-TOK.
SCARECROW (cont’d)
There we go!
TIK-TOK
— you would not want to make an enemy of me.
(pause)
Where is the girl?
SCARECROW
It talks! It really talks!
TIK-TOK
Please answer my question.
SCARECROW
What? Oh, right! Umm, girl — do you mean Langwidere? She went that way.
TIK-TOK
No, I mean — internal scan of castle complete. Rescue mode engaged!
SCARECROW
What? Rescue mode? Who are you rescuing?
TIK-TOK
Please wind up my action immediately. It is a matter of life and death.
SCARECROW
It is? Well then!
He starts winding. The Lion rushes in from the other entrance.
LION
Scarecrow! Where are the others?
SCARECROW
They’re on a tour with the Princess — what’s going on Lion?
LION
You won’t believe who I’ve seen just now!
INT. CASTLE CORRIDOR
Langwidere continues her tour with the Tin Woodman and Ozma.
LANGWIDERE
And to the left you’ll find the art gallery of Ev, where my ancestors portraits hang for the benefit of all the little, insignificant —
Tik-Tok stomps his way into the hall.
TIK-TOK
(approaching)
This way.
SCARECROW
(from a distance)
Clockwork man, wait!
TIN WOODMAN
Oh, so it does move!
OZMA
Is it magic?
LANGWIDERE
No! No you woke it up! Why did you do that?!?
TIK-TOK
Stand aside.
SCARECROW
(angry)
Where have you got her, Langwidere?
OZMA
Scarecrow, don’t be so rude — we’re guests.
TIN WOODMAN
Yeah, what’s going on, buddy?
LION
She’s at the top of the highest tower.
TIK-TOK
Further conversation with the princess is not required — I have found her location.
OZMA
Who’s location? What’s happening?
TIK-TOK
Please follow me.
He stomps towards the stairs.
LANGWIDERE
No, stop! I’m in charge of this place and I order you to stop! Stop!
INT. TOWER
Tik-Tok stomps up the stairs with the others following behind.
OZMA (V.O.)
Ignoring the increasingly desperate cries of Princess Langwidere, the strange mechanical man led us up the staircase to the top of a tower. Where a locked wooden door awaited us.
TIK-TOK
Please open this door.
LANGWIDERE
No. No, you can’t make me, I refuse!
SCARECROW
Open the door, Langwidere. Or we’ll force it open.
TIN WOODMAN
Scarecrow, will you just explain —
LION
(roaring)
Give him the key!
Langwidere gibbers and hands over the keys.
LANGWIDERE
Here.
SCARECROW
Thank you.
LION
Quickly, Scarecrow!
The Scarecrow unlocks the door and swings it open. The whole group gasp.
LION (cont’d)
I knew it!
TIN WOODMAN
Holy Lurline!
SCARECROW
It’s you, it’s really you!
DOROTHY
Well thank God for that! If you three took any longer to rescue me, I was going to really start complaining!
ALL
Dorothy!
DOROTHY
Admit it. You missed me, didn’t you?
CLOSING CREDITS